‘Courageous’, ‘special’, ‘brave’, and ‘loving’ are adjectives I’ve read in many ‘Dear Birthmother’ letters…

Question

These ‘qualities’ are used by many potential adopters in their letters to entice pregnant women to place their babies with them.

No offense to natural mothers, but the words I think of to describe them are ‘naive’, ‘gullible’, ‘desperate’, ‘ignorant’, and in some cases, ‘shallow’.

What adjectives do you think of if you had to describe mothers who are contemplating adoption?

Answer 1

Wait a minute here-   the way that you describe birth moms- almost make it sound like they would be less naive, gullible, desperate and ignorant if they aborted their babies.  Some mothers cannot raise their children, no matter how much that they would want too due to finances or whatever.  A birth mom is shallow to take a very selfless approach to their babies?  EXCUSE ME.  I would call them sacrificial, loving, Life-giving and every other positive adjective.  Some women cannot raise their children, so if every person in the world called them what you call them, they would not choose adoption, and the only other choice they have due to the fact they could not raise their child, is abortion.  The words that you use for a birth mom, I would give to women who are talked into abortions. NO OFFENSE you say- you have got to be kidding. What do you expect birth moms to think when they read this question. Thanks for being someone that may have changed a birth moms mind from adoption to abortion-  if a woman could not raise their child no matter what- your comment would not make them raise the child.

Maybe some birth moms were forced to place their babies, and they could have raised them, however I personally know the birth moms of my 2 adopted children- and they both knew fore SURE they could not raise, and the only 2 options for them were abortion or adoption- and their were unselfish in their choices- not because my hubby and I were the adoptive parents, but because they gave life to their precious children.

Answer 2

I don't think those words are coersive, because they letter is presented AFTER the birth mother has made her decision for adoption.  I do in fact think that if a birth mother truly after much though and consideration has decided to choose adoption for their child and are putting work into choosing a correct family for their child, then I do think that is loving.  

I am adopting three children who were taken away from mother after neglect.  If she had assessed before she had her children that she had poor mental reasoning and did not have skills to parent (even after many interventions) then the children could have been prevented much suffering.

If a parent is choosing adoption without consideration, then well you are certainly entitled to your opinion.  I woudl call them struggling, hurting, I would not ever put judgement names on them, but you have also previously called all PAP's greedy, so I guess equal oppurtunity bashing.

Answer 3

I'm a birth mom and am not offended by the words used. I was scared. I was naive. I was definetly despirate. I had a closed adoption 35 years ago so there were no mushy letters. There was no contact of any kind before or after relinquishment.

I have no idea what the AP's thought of me after I gave Rachael to them. Her parents were told that I was 13 not 16. They were told I was a drug addict, not true. I had tried drugs but did not have a problem letting them go when I found out I was pregnant. Problems started after relinquishment. They were told that I did not know who the father was, LIE, and that I had run away, another non truth. There was no place safe to run to or I would have.

I thought all adoptive parents were wonderful and perfect. I was naive. I didn't start hearing the nightmare stories until after I had signed the papers, but figured it was too late and I had no options.

Sunny makes a valid point. She's not saying every natural mom was all of the things listed above but I can find several of them that fit my description back when I was 16 and trying to make grown up decisions, by myself. How many birthmom's feel betrayed by the industry? I know I do. How many AP's were told to just cut contact after they got what they wanted?

My daughter got a good set of parents like all kids deserve. Her parents were lied to just like I was. There are some good AP's out there, Rachael is proof of that, but that doesn't mean that there isn't coersion and manipulation going on and that  scared, despirate women aren't being fooled at one of their weakest most vulnerable moments. This would make them feel gullable, naive, ignorant and yes even stupid for not being smarter.

Answer 4

I would go with courageous, special, brave, loving.  Now words for you I might use.....judgemental, rude, arrogant, ignorant, and a few others that Y/A will just replaces with *****

Answer 5

OMG... last night I was up until some ungodly hour reading PAP's letters. I could hardly believe that they actually allowing advertising for babies on this site. It was on the right hand of the screen, which I never look at, but did for the first time last night. I couldn't believe the redundant cr@p I read. They all started with a letter to the "birthmother". How special. Yes, and they all said that cr@p and actually you left out quite a bit of the REALLY outrageous lines they used. I was going to copy and paste them, but I was too tired. Then they had photo albums. I believe there were somewhere between 20 - 30 on the page. I could have puked. "Here we are in Italy", "Here's my husband with the neighborhood kids, he's a real kid magnent (pedaphile came to my mind)." It just went on and on. OH, yes, they had pictures of the house / mansion, almost always a pet, babies they were holding that belonged to their friends or other family members... The agency is slick. Very slick. Is that what you saw?

ETA:

Found this on the right side of the page. I have deleted the contact information, as I don't want to support this kind of coercion. I hope people can see this is  a billion dollar business. What I copied and posted was on this attorneys site. I guess she's proud of herself.She wants to reform adoption laws? IN WHAT WAY?????????

The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys is a national association of approximately 330 attorneys who practice, or have otherwise distinguished themselves, in the field of adoption law. The Academy's work includes promoting the reform of adoption laws and disseminating information on ethical adoption practices. The Academy publishes a newsletter, holds annual meetings, and hosts educational seminars.

Please review the reasons why you should consider retaining as well as tips for choosing an attorney.  Click on AAAA Brochure for a printable guide.  The Member Directory is an excellent resource to locate an adoption attorney.  The Agency Directory will help you locate an agency affiliated with an AAAA member.  Additional Academy Information is also available.  Simply select one of the navigation bars on the left of the screen or underlined links in this paragraph.

The Board of Trustees of the Academy approved The New Compact (complete text at underlined link) after extensive discussions and substantial revisions by the American Public Human Services Association (APHSA).  The New Compact is intended to replace the existing Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) if passed by at least thirty-five (35) states.



AAAA Contacts

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Visit the Directory of Members on this website.

The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys has members throughout the U.S. and Canada who are experienced in the complexities of adoption law as well as interstate and international regulations surrounding adoption. The Academy is the largest and most accessible resource for finding an adoption attorney.

Answer 6

Scared

Misinformed

Thoughtful (for 9 months, in most cases)

Torn

I don't know how to put this last one, but it would be something along the lines of low self esteem.  I've known two "birth mothers" while they were pregnant.  Both of them would have made fine mothers, but were absolutely convinced they couldn't raise a child due to their current circumstances.  Why would they think they're not good enough to be a mom NOW?

Answer 7

These women are brave, and loving.  They are brave for not taking the easy way out and having an abortion.  Is it bad to be pro- life?  I understand that these women should have been using protection and not getting pregnant in the first place. They take a lot of heat for giving their children up for adoption.  Would you much rather see them keep the baby, not have enough money to support them, and give them a crappy life?  I think they are both brave and loving, for opting to carry the baby, deliver them, and give them to another loving family.

Answer 8

From your question, it is difficult to tell what your "interest" in adoption is or what experience you have. Why are you reading these profile letters? I do know that there is nothing SHALLOW about the COURAGE and LOVE it takes for a woman to carry a child to term and make a responsible decision to make sure the child is taken care of. Using YOUR words, would it make more sense to you to see children grow up in a house with a naive, gullible, desperate and ignorant mother, or in a home fully ready and able to nuture them???? Passing judgment is SHALLOW. Some situations just don't have perfect words to describe...adoption is one of them.

Answer 9

Selfish.

We are told that our lives will be better if we place, that everything will return to normal. I bought into that hook, line and sinker.

Funny though... I don't remember feeling this kind of pain before he was adopted.

Answer 10

Unsupported, scared, sad, betrayed, distressed, in crisis, alone, heartbroken...oh, and easy mark.

Answer 11

I think that you are correct in some respects.  Even if some people find the question offensive, I think the point you are trying to make is a valid one in some respects.  I personally feel that our son's bio family did the brave & loving thing for him after realizing that they were unable to parent - a choice that they reinforced by refusing the help the state provided them.  Yet in the same respect, I do think their are some other negative adjectives to use because of the neglect my son suffered before the adoption.

The reality is that every situation is different and I think that in order to use any adjective to describe a bio parent is unfair until you truly understand their reasoning behind making an adoption plan.  If a parent is doing it because they know 100% that they do not want to parent, then yes, they are doing the responsible thing.  However, for those bio parents who are not sure what they want to do or are forced into it by others or society's perception of how things should be, then yes, they are sadly in a gullible situation.

ETA:  I think you may have misunderstood my answer.  I did understand the point you were making.  My answer is just pointing out that no one can be certain (especially in a prospective letter) what the real reasons are for a bio parent considering adoption - and yes, it can be coercion.  Sorry if my answer seemed to express differently.  : )

Answer 12

Well, I've heard some describe themselves as scared, alone, no support,  young, no money, too trusting.  

I can remember being all of those things once in my life.  It was so easy for people to sway me because I didn't feel I had any "clout."  I can't imagine being me back then and being pregnant, too.   I just don't think I'd have come out on the winning side.

ETA:

How did abortion get into this discussion?  (several posts down)

Answer 13

unknowing.

Answer 14

courageous, special, brave, loving...

I'm a natural mother - and no offense taken - but as difficult and complicated as my pregnancy was, the aftermath is more difficult. Being a mother is different than mothering. So whoever can take on the mothering role is courageous, special, brave and loving...

Answer 15

Sunny, you have such a wonderful way of looking at these issues, and a gift for putting thoughts into cohesive questions that need to be asked.

"Courageous, special, brave, and loving"....hmmm.

I imagine that PAPs desperate enough to engage in "dear birthmother letters" probably project these adjectives on to themselves rather than on to the mother. It's the sales pitch that they are taught, nothing more, nothing less. It amazes me how willingly they participate without knowing who the young mother is, or what her circumstances are - all they want is what they want - a baby. They are focused on themselves "we are stable", "we are wealthy", we can offer your child 'things' that you cannot", blah, blah, blah, we, we, we, me, me, me: the perfect dear birthmother letter. If that isn't participating in coercion, I don't know what is.

The whole "birthmother" thing is just a way to dehumanize. (It *might* be harder for some people to take a child from a mother than a mere birthmother.)

I was definitely naive, guillible, desperate and ignorant. I lived a relatively sheltered life. I had 21 years compared to their 36 and 40 years life experience, money, and savvy. Without a support network of my own, there was no way I could be a match to them, add to this their friend the adoption facilitator, and their other friend who was hired as my lawyer. Nice.

I guess what makes me so angry, besides the lost years and intimacy with my son, is that I know I was taken advantage of and I'd really like to kick their collective asses now.

Answer 16

Wow.  You really have a lovely way of insulting people in your "questions."    I can't begin to describe a person I don't know.  I imagine these descriptions must be different for each person.  So I suppose "unique" or  "special" might fit, as it would for all of us in the adoption triad.

Answer 17

some people want more 4 their children then they can provide u dont know every mother who has ever given a child up for adoption's story or reason so u seem very "ignorant" and "shallow"...get a life and stop posting rude and offensive blogs....

Answer 18

Why don't you just delete this question before yahoo does it for you. Your comments are very offensive and this question is completely uncalled for and certianly cannot offer you any value or insight. Are you an adopted person, a birth mother, an adoptive mother etc? If not, you should not be making such ignorant statements about things you have zero knowledge on!!!

Answer 19

you're entitled to your own opinion.  i'll leave it at that.

but this hokey dear birthmother letters is exactly why i went with someone who didn't use those.  they went by personal contact between the mother and PAP's.  how they interact and how well they respond to each other.  it's better than some silly a$$ letter.  the fact there are books you can buy on how to write a perfect dear birthmother letter is awful.

Answer 20

responsible

Answer 21

fOR GOODNESS SAKE JUST LET GO WILL YA! you say how your bio fam had more oney etc than your Aps? And you prob would have had a better life am I right?

Since when does money come above love? Just because they had money doesnt mean they were gunna you love. MONEY DOESNT BUY LOVE.

Be happy with the parents you got, Some kids dont even get to have parents so you and me and every other adoptee with Aps are very lucky.

Answer 22

Sunny I'm so grateful for your presence in my life.

yes yes and yes!

I'm not surprised some people here don't get it. Its just a position in life, they've just never been there or been effected by it, they just can't see it from our view. The "loss" isn't there for them. I know some can understand and do a h**l of a job at getting it too, but not many.

Answer 23

All pregnant women who are considering adoption are different, they end up reading those horrid "Dear Birthmother" letters for many different reasons.  That said, my description of these moms-to-be do NOT apply to all women.  They are:

Frightened of parent's opinion of them

Low self-esteem

Self absorbed

Inexperienced with motherhood

Brain washed by the US happy-clappy adoption culture

Lacking resources

Desperate need to please people

Don't want to be a mother

Adoption workers coach adoptive parents to use words like special, courageous, brave, loving, selfless as part of the "befriending" process to lure a vulnerable young woman to give away her precious children.  It is very similar to the courting and grooming process that pedophiles use to lure adolescents out of the oversight of their parents.  Those words are not accidental at all.  They are carefully selected to attract the gullible.

I forgot an especially pukey one - "our angel".

Answer 24

scared, vunerable, desperate, heart broken, naive, alone, angry (never at the baby but at myself and others)

I heard all that "special: and "brave c**p" right up until they got my baby. Then I was suddenly a w***e, unfit mother, stupid, s**t that never wanted or deseved MY baby. Strange how I changed so quickly

ETA: I am way more offended by the people "defending" natural moms. I hate being spoken for. I am in no way offended by the question. Its a good thing to explore

Answer 25

The words I would use are the same as yours.

No offense to natural mothers, but the words I think of to describe them are ‘naive’, ‘gullible’, ‘desperate’, ‘ignorant’, and in some cases, ‘shallow’.

I would also add in scared, confused, ashamed

Answer 26

I'm a natural mom, and I'm honestly not offended at what Sunny said. With the exception of "shallow" (don't think I've ever been that), I'd use ALL those words she used to describe myself back when I was considering and chose adoption.

Naive--yep.

Gullible--yep.

Desperate--heck yeah.

Ignorant--yeah.

I WAS naive... I thought I could trust an adoption agency to be concerned about me. It never occurred to me that they'd have a bias in favor of me placing my baby due to the fact that they'd make money off of her placement--and wouldn't make a bit of money if I parented.

Gullible--well that's just a stronger word for "naive," right? So yes. I was gullible. I believed what people told me.

Desperate--21, pregnant, being treated as if I'd ruined my AND my child's life for all eternity just by being pregnant and unmarried.... yeah, I felt REALLY desperate.

Ignorant--oh yeah. But I don't blame myself for this one--I TRIED to research adoption, thinking that there had to be more of a downside to it all than people were telling me, but everywhere I turned I got the same spiel... that adoptees were always grateful to be adopted, that women who relinquish do better in life than women who parent, blah blah blah. Not once did anyone bother to tell me that there are studies showing relinquishment carries with it an increased risk of PTSD, depression, suicidal ideations, substance abuse, intimacy issues, and so on. Not once did anyone bother telling me that adoptees sometimes don't feel overall glad to be adopted.

Yeah, I was ignorant. And naive, and gullible, and desperate. And also hurting, scared, confused, very much in love with my child and wanting to do the best thing for her, ashamed at getting pregnant, full of self-doubt.... I was so many things. And the industry took advantage of all of it to convince me to place my baby--just so they could make a few thousand dollars.