1 year old son- living with my husband, sis in law, and her boy friend who is a homophob and racist?Edited?

Question

My husband and I have my sis in law as a roommate this year to help with rent (we all contribute equally to a house we just moved into) while he finishes law school and I start grad school. Her boyfriend is over constantly. In the months I got to know him I found out these things- very religious, a basketball coach who knows most ppl in our little town, and buys her flowers & nice little gifts. He seems like a good guy. Over the past months I have thought I heard little racist remarks, but wasn't sure until about a week ago when he said something in front of me. Then Wed night he made a comment about "those people", meaning g*y people, and said he thought they should all die or be sent away to live on an island away from everyone else! I was speechless. What do I do? Say? We have a 1 yr old son and I don't want him growing up around someone like this. Help! They are already talking marriage and it kills me! She is such a big part of our family and loves our son.

Answer 1

I would not kick her out but I will have a talk with her and your husband has to be involved in it as well so she knows it both of you  Tell her you don't agree with alot of his views on people and find it funny that she agrees with him.  let her know it is his choice to feel how he wants but it makes you and your husband uncomfortable to have his views forced on you and your child.  And if he could please watch what he says in front of your child.  She should understand if not you may have to except it and teach your son all people are intitled to an opinion no matter how silly it is.  but you guys live together and they should respect the baby and if he continues to do it you may have to tell him your opinion now please keep it to yourself

Answer 2

I'm into giving people the benefit of the doubt to begin with. He's got a lot of great things going for him so maybe he's just ignorant and is parroting things he's heard around growing up. You could try talking to him on the side and saying something like this: "You're such a great guy and I know you would not want to ever see anyone hurt... so I wanted to let you know that I'm sensitive to even making jokes about other races or g**s or what ever...."

Sometimes when you say something positive about someone ("I know you'd never want to see anyone hurt"), you call them out to rise to the good things you're saying (a good thing to do as a parent too, by the way ;-)). Also, it sends him the message in a gentle way what your boundaries are. If he's just being a lunkhead, he may just rise. If he's really got a problem, you're laying the groundwork for setting the boundaries you want to keep and you can get stronger later if need be.

One thing that I do when I need to talk to someone and I don't want it to turn into a confrontation is to imagine the outcome of the conversation as positive (or you can say a little prayer, what ever your style). If you're fighting hatred, don't fight it with hatred, see if you can transform it with a loving approach.

All the best blessings!

Answer 3

I dont think you should kick her out...he is entitled to his beliefs.  However I would tell him in a calm matter next time he says somthing.......I understand that you have certain beliefs but we do as well and we would appreciate it if you would not speak of those things in our home or in the prescence of our child.  We are trying to teach him to like all people of all types.  If it happens again just tell your sis in law that your child will not be welcome around him and he will not be welcome in your home if he continues to talk like that!

Answer 4

oh lord.

i have a STRONG opinion about this fella.

my mother is g*y and i couldn't be

more proud of her.

and when i hear things like this

i can't help but want to ring this guys neck.

ask him would he feel the same if his mother was g*y.

would he want her dead because of her sexuality choice?

being g*y ISN'T a problem.

there is nothing wrong with being g*y.

we don't choose to be g*y or straight.

it happens at birth.

love is love.

it has no boundaries.

love doesn't discriminate against

gender, age, or race.

and as for his little comments about racism.

i feel that everytime someone makes

a racist comment it is just helping the KKK continue their destruction.

because it confirms that racism is still occuring

as we speak.

the colour of our skin DOES NOT define who we are.

the colour of our skin DOES NOT affect how we act.

sit that man down and explain that as long as he is that house that those racist/homophobic comments will not continue.

especially not while your child is around.

that is your home.

not his.

so he is under your rules.

and tell him that that kind of language and derogitory remarks are not welcome under your roof.

and if he says another comment like that

please whatever you do, DON'T LAUGH.

if you laugh that is basically cheering him on

to make more and more comments like that

because he will think it is okay.

and it is far from okay.

hope this helps.

Answer 5

You shouldn't have to talk to her boyfriend. You should talk to her and have HER discuss it with him. Even if you didn't have a child in the house, it's INAPPROPRIATE to go into someone else's house and speak/act ignorantly and offensively. He should have the decency to keep his opinions to himself when in someone else's house. You shouldn't kick her out, but let her know that if he doesn't stop, he won't be welcome in the house. After all, you and your husband are probably paying more than she is and you DEFINITELY get a say in who is allowed at your home. Good luck.

EDIT: I know that you can't kick your sister out, but if they both refuse to listen to reason, you could ask her to leave. It's obviously a tense and uncomfortable situation, so she may go without argument.

Answer 6

You should express your feelings toward her boyfriend in private and let him know that the things he has been saying are inappropriate and offend you. If he doesn't know how you feel then he won't stop saying things in front of you. Probably the only reason he says them in your presence is because he thinks you feel the same way. Don't be pushy or act angry when y ou speak to him, so it gently and let him know that he has his way of thinking and you have yours and you just don't agree so when he's speaking around your child would like for him to not address those issues.

Answer 7

Simply explain to the both of them (sis-in-law and her boyfriend) that you all have to live in the same space, and you really need their respect and consideration to not say things like that in front of your child.

Answer 8

>He seems like a good guy<

Actually, he seems like a barely evolved piece of trash, from your description.

NOT someone I'd have around my child.

It's not just a matter of dislike- he is foul rubbish and such ideas are dangerous to children. Therefore, I would tell her he is not welcome in my child's home.

If he swore constantly would you have him around your child?

I think not. Yet there is even a Q of allowing this pig around your son, when what he says is far worse than swear words- because what he says will teach your son hatred that may last a lifetime?

If she wants to marry this neanderthal you can't stop her, but yes you CAN bar him from your child's presence, and hopefully your conscience will lead you to do just that.

Or are you waiting for him to phyically assault a g*y person, or burn a cross on a Jewish family's lawn? How much hate is 'too much'?

I'd say,

any.

Suggest your SIL move in with him.

If she can't because of his 'xian ideals', you can just laugh them both right out the door. I'd put a LOT of distance between this guy and my own children, regardless of who he was bringing flowers and 'nice little gifts' to.

Answer 9

If he is such a nice guy then maybe he does not know that being g*y can be an option for good healthy people. I myself don't understand the situation of being g*y but I think all good people can agree to disagree on something. If you think he is really good as a person, give him time and disagree with him off and on gently and tell him that killing them is not an option. They need a life too.

Answer 10

if it was me, i would pull him to the side , and let him know that even though he is entitled to his own opinion , that you and your husband would be grateful if he kept his comments away from your son b/c you dont want him growing up like that  . good luck .

Answer 11

If you teach your son what you want him to learn and teach him about intolerance, the boyfriend will not be that big of a factor.  Your son will just learn a little earlier than most that some people have a certain belief system but this is what Mommy & Daddy believe.

Next time he says something to you with a racist tone just call him out, you don't have to be confrontational about it, just have a regular conversation, if he's not a complete jerk it may help the situation.