10 points for grammar help. English is my second language. Thank you?

Question

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am interested in applying for a Volunteer and Community Affair Coordinator position. The skills that I have developed from work experience, training, and academic

background support my strong interest in the program.

As indicated in the accompanying resume, I have recently earned the degree of Master of Public Administration from Bowie State University where I worked as a Graduate Assistant to the Chair for 2 years. In addition, I was an intern at the Royal Thai Embassy

and actively involved many non-profit and public organizations and professional development training. These experiences have given me an opportunity to effectively practice my skills in planning, researching, decision-making, team and systematic working, and organizing. I am a hard worker who is highly motivated and dedicated to accomplish tasks efficiently.

I would appreciate a few minutes of your time to discuss my qualifications. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone or E-mail. Thank you very much for your time. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully yours,

Hope Smith

Answer 1

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am interested in applying for a Volunteer and Community Affair Coordinator position. The skills that I have developed from work experience, training, and academic

background support my strong interest in the program.

As indicated in the accompanying resume, I have recently earned the degree of Master of Public Administration from Bowie State University, where I worked as a Graduate Assistant to the Chair for 2 years. In addition, I was an intern at the Royal Thai Embassy and actively involved in many non-profit and public organizations and professional development trainings. These experiences have given me an opportunity to effectively practice my skills in planning, researching, decision-making, team and systematic working, as well as organizing. I am a hard worker who is highly motivated and dedicated to accomplish tasks efficiently.

I would appreciate a few minutes of your time to discuss my qualifications. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone or E-mail. Thank you very much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully yours,

Hope Smith

Answer 2

This seems fine - you could say where you found out about the job (its useful feed back). It might be better to take the trouble to find out the hiring manager's name and use that. Also don't repeat what's in your CV - it might seem good to emphasise you main points, but most people don't read this sort of letter in detail: they can scan a resume pretty deftly. Make it clear you are actually looking for a position - with them - now, though, not just a chat about the possibilities of a future career.

Answer 3

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am interested in applying for a Volunteer and Community Affair Coordinator position. The skills that I have developed from work experience, training, and academic

background support my strong interest in the program.

As indicated in the accompanying resume, I have recently earned the degree of Master of Public Administration from Bowie State University, where I worked as a Graduate Assistant to the Chair for 2 years. In addition, I was an intern at the Royal Thai Embassy and actively involved in many non-profit and public organizations and professional development trainings. These experiences have given me an opportunity to effectively practice my skills in planning, researching, decision-making, team and systematic working, as well as organizing. I am a hard worker who is highly motivated and dedicated to accomplish tasks efficiently.

I would appreciate a few minutes of your time to discuss with you regarding my qualifications. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone or E-mail. Thank you very much for your time and I am looking forward to hear from you soon.

Respectfully yours,

Hope Smith

Answer 4

This really is pretty darn good.

Your intro is a tad abrupt. The first sentence needs to be how  you learned about the position.

I'd changed the words "The accompanying" to "my".

In your last paragraph, You don't need to discuss your qualifications, they are apparent. You want to discuss the job.

One other thing I would put in, and this is just me, is say YOU WANT THE JOB. Don't leave them guessing.

Make sure you give them your email and phone number. I am assuming that they are on your resume.

Very nice