10 points to anyone who can tell me the funniest joke =]?

Question

so i could use a really funny joke right now !! got any?

Answer 1

Puppy

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods

on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs

mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked

the small child, staring intently at the scene before

them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's

father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.

A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up

from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by

his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from

within. He opened the door and was surprised to see

his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange

way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly,

both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed

for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up

and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you

doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still

wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well,

we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe

a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father,

now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.

"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute.

"Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn

her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

Answer 2

A drunk walks into a bar...

OUCH!!

Answer 3

Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet

eating her curds and whey

along came a spider

who sat down be-side-er

and said "Yo B***h whats in the bowl"

Answer 4

*_*  Confessions of a kid *_*

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell

his_ mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked

him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behaviour over the last

year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your

birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to

write God a letter.

*_/*/Letter 1_/*_/*/

//Dear God,

//I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my

//birthday. I want a red one.

//Your friend,

//Bobby//_/**

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this

year,

so he tore up the letter and started over.

*_/*/Letter 2_/*_/*/

//Dear God,

//This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I

would like

//a red bike for my birthday.

//Thank you.

//Your friend Bobby//

_/**

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and

started again.

*_/*/Letter 3_/*_/*/

//Dear God,

//I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike

for my birthday.

//Bobby//

_/**

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote

a

fourth letter.

*_/*/Letter 4_/*_/*/

//God,

//I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be

//a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

//Thank you,

//Bobby//

_/**

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a

bike.



  

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he

wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as

Bobby

looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

  

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby

went

into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone

was

there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped

the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,

into

the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down

with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

*_/*/Letter 5_/*_/*/

//God,

//I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, //

//SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!//

Answer 5

The Chicken and the egg were lying in bed together

a few minutes later the chicken rolls over, lights up a cigerette and says

I GUESS THAT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION!

Answer 6

Most people use only 10% of their brain.  I discovered recently that I use 20%.  The second 10 is to keep the first 10 working.

I may need to work at upping that.

Answer 7

A man is sitting on a park bench, and suddenly a genie appears before him.

"Who are you?" the man asks.

"I am a wish-granting genie," the genie says. "I give you anything you want, but only two things. And anything I give you, every politician in the world gets two of."

"OK..." The man says. "How about a Mercedes Benz?"

The genie claps his hands once. "Done! What is your second wish?"

The man thinks hard about this for a while, then a grin breaks out on his face.

"Yes?" the genie asks.

The man looks at the genie and says, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Answer 8

joke1

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

joke2

One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then, the dog bit the mailman.

"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."

joke3

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

joke4

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"d**n!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up.

joke5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

joke6

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Answer 9

there werer 2 people in a mental hostpital

and one name was jane and the other was mike

one day mike decied to go drown himself

by jumping in the pool

so he jumpe in the pool

then jane saw him drowing and saved him

the next day the nurse came

in janes room and said

"ok i have some good news and some bad news

which would you like to hear first?"

then jane said

"good"

the nurse said

"the good news is that you be realsed from the mental hospital in 2 weeks the bad neews is that your freind mike hung himself last night and died"

then jane said

"oh he didnt hang himself i put him up there to dry"

Answer 10

i love this one.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 11

A guy is sitting at a bar that has one of those piano players with the little monkeys who collects tips for the piano player.

The monkey keeps walking back and forth across the bar, dragging his *** through the guy's beer.  

Fed up, the guy finally turns to the piano player and says "Hey!  do you know, your monkey's dragging his *** through my beer?"

And the piano player says "no but if you hum a few lines, I'll try to catch on."