10 pts for best critique of my poem

Question

Summer Crushes

Strolling carelessly

as in a vivid dream,

Until clouds gather

as I cross a stream,

Rain then cascades,

Loose strides before

become more mindful

and my steps unsure.

Rhythmically the rain

falls, urging my steps

to be more mindful,

Ahead the road is wet,

Puddles on the road

that's where I slipped,

It's hard to see far

When not having a grip

The path, soft before

was hard when I fell,

This drizzle remains

as I begin to dwell,

Clothes soaked, I sat

thinking it's wrong,

The fall was so short

but the hurt so long.

I shout at the rain

now becoming intense,

It wasn't her fault

I never did listen.

Time it appears, time

will help it seems,

I stagger slowly away

hoping it was a dream.

Answer 1

I wish I could be as thorough as Rowmay, but alas, I cannot.

However, I really thought that your poem was beautiful!

Your imagery was fantastic, and it was easy to picture what you were describing. :)

Answer 2

I understand the metaphor and there are some good things going on here, as well as some that seem like your reaching.  The 1st stanza, last three lines; the strides become more mindful, yet the steps are unsure? Is that how it is supposed to be interpreted?  Seems contradictory. You have also used the word mindful almost back to back between stanza 1 and 2.  The 2nd stanza, last line, sticks out like a sore thumb.  "When not having a grip."  Really feels like you were just looking for a rhyme. You might also want to check your punctuation.  It is a bit inconsistant. Okay, that's the bad stuff in a nut shell.

The good stuff, is that the metaphor and feeling is apparent, but not in your face.  The visualization is good as well as some of your word choices.  Realy liked the lines "thinking it's wrong, The fall was so short, but the hurt so long."  That phrase can be used for a number of pains in life. Very nice. Over all, nice job. Hope that wasn't too harsh. Just my gut reaction.