10 pts...what do you think of my poem?

Question

10 pts for best critique.

Christine

The road disrupts me

as the sun in a dream,

My desires are real,

Even if I am asleep,

Maybe I can see you

tonight if I believe.

Perpetual rain ahead

clashing the street,

I never heard you say

it would be so easy,

But I never thought

it'll be hard for me.

Here not in control,

With my hand to steer,

Nearby the road twists

mirroring how I feel,

The windshield's fogged

Hiding what is real.

I am tempted to stop

at every exit sign,

Never doing so because

a voice still reminds

of moments, and hopes

of repeated times.

Tonight these dreams

true as they're shown,

I wish you've told me

and I would've known,

But dreaming is tiring

and I want to go home.

**My intended message is about a guy who chases after this girl, but only has her in his dreams**

Answer 1

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it

other than that i pretty much hate it

Answer 2

pretty horrible

Answer 3

Parts are good, but the lyrics of the poem get a bit confusing.  It's fine after the exit signs part.  Delete words here and there like tonight if I believe.  Make it tonight when I believe.  This is because the guy is dreaming about the girl..so he should be(not..if he maybe sort of wants to not really dreams).  A lot of stanzas sound wordy

Overall..its pretty good..just remember to focus with what you are trying to say..like the message of the story..

Answer 4

sorry ,on a scale of 1-10 i give it a 5..no rhyme or rhythm here.

Answer 5

Good work; although it come across as if you are trying too hard to rhyme.  

Answer 6

it seems so real and the plot of it is such a smart idea. it was an amazing poem i think you should write more.

Answer 7

It's not bad, you can understand what you mean in the poem but maybe find a way to make it less wordy.  

Answer 8

omg this poem is great

Answer 9

on a scale of 1-10 6

Answer 10

It's pretty good. I really like your imagery, but there isn't much meter/rhythm.

Answer 11

wow, its really deep and i can actually feel it!

Answer 12

its OK

Answer 13

Yes, I agree, your rhyming seems too forced. It would be perfectly good without rhyming, of course. Your stanzas are clean, and your flow is wonderful. The first stanza is a bit confusing to the reader. Saying that the road disrupts you, like a sun in a dream. Which to me means that you are wakened by the sun, its disturbing you, like the road. And then you go on to say, you are asleep. And it tripped me up there. With polishing, this could be lovely, your imagery is fantastic. And I can feel real emotion, which is the most important part of any poetry, or any art. Stay strong.

Answer 14

great words.but it needs not to be so dull.like put something exciting in it.i really like it.pnce you make it more exciting you should submit it to teen magazines or poem books.hope i helped!thx!