11 year old daughter's "friends"?

Question

My daughter has 3 "friends" that I despise. They do mean things like when they are all together the 3 will ignore my daughter or they will email my daughter saying "we are having a sleepover for two nights together!" - when they are not inviting my daughter. It drives me crazy.

There are nice girls who try to be friends with my daughter and she semi- blows them off in order to be accepted by these other 3.

When I let her have a sleepover, she always chooses one of these 3 instead of one of the nice ones.

When the 3 do something mean, I have been trying to nicely point it out by saying "what do you think about what they did? I don't think it is very nice." and she always says "it's fine. they aren't trying to be mean"

Any advice would be helpful on how to handle this situation. I find myself leaning towards not letting her have friends over night, etc because I know she is going to pick one of these girls that I don't care for.

Answer 1

does your daughter bug them or wine all the time because i know what you mean some times the other girls are mean to her because she bugs them and they get anoid...

dont always think its there fault ask your daughter about it my neighbor goes through the same thing accept she is ten

good luck.

make sure some of it isnt realated to your daughter dont go pointing fingers all a sudin

Answer 2

Girls are Evil, I pray I only have a boy and for the problem at hand. Your the parent, tell your daughter that the other girls are not allowed over so she can either pick nice kids to play with or no kids and be sitting in her room alone. It will only take a couple of sleepovers for her to realize how much more fun having friends is than trying to impress the "mean girls" of the p*****n world.

Answer 3

You can't really choose your child's friends.  She will learn - she's young still.  Perhaps these girls are considered the "populars" and she's trying to become one.  I know some of the populars in my high school were also not so nice and I wonder why people were friends with them.  It may drive you crazy, as it would myself, but does it drive your daughter crazy?  If she seems ok with everything and doesn't complain, I would let it be.  Perhaps she will make new friends when school starts up.

Answer 4

These 3 girls are being mean to your daughter, usually real friends are ALL invited to a sleepover.. but tell your daughter not to look up to these 3 girls or it will cause more trouble.

Answer 5

You can't do anything about it. Sorry. Most girls at some point will go through this. Eventually SHE'LL get sick of it, and stop hanging out with it. She's only in middle school, trust me, in high school - you grow up, find your place, and find your friends. Just let her get through this, and if she ASKS for help, THEN give it to her. She'll get through it - everyone does. For the time being, let her invite the friends she likes. Just put up with it, you can't control who she likes. These people don't seem to be into drugs or something, and that's the only time you should tell her she can't be with them. But trust me, you need to let her realize that they don't deserve her, and honey, she will. She'll get sick of being the dirt at their feet, and she'll leave for better. Just put up with it until she decides she's not their doormat anymore.

Answer 6

I went through the same thing with my daughter.  she is 12 now but  no matter how many times I pointed it out, she had to realize things herself.   It is very hard to watch but really until she gets tired of it it will not stop.

And honestly,  the harder you push the more she is going to want to hang out with the girls. believe me it is hard and it is a hard lesson to learn.  but a necessary one.

Good luck .  it is a rough road.

Answer 7

Obviously your daughter likes these girls whether you do or not.  It really isn't good to pick your child's friends escpecially at this age.  Keep in mind that these girls are going through puberty and whether you would like to remember yourself as being an angel at this time i doubt it.  You have let her know that you don't care for these girls now drop the subjet and allow your daughter to use her own good judgement or would you rather she become just like them to spite you?

Answer 8

Sorry but I don't agree with these people saying "sorry you can;t do anything, she's just gonna do what she wants from here on in". That's BULL! That attitude is why teens DO do what they want and are self obsessed with bad attitudes!

YOU are the parent and SHE is your child. Put your foot down. If these girls are a bad influence (and clearly they are) then tell her they absolutely CANNOT come over anymore and she is no longer allowed to go out with these girls and explain why. She will probably throw a tantrum and lock herself in her room, but didn't we all do that when our parents told us we couldn't do something?

Answer 9

I think u should talk to her and share feelings about these girls.

Answer 10

I am mom to 4 kids who are now 29, 26, 23, and 10 (will be 11 on July 25).  I understand about children being friends with children you really wish they wouldn't be friends with.  On the surface it seems as though trying to get your daughter away from these 3 girls is in her best interest in every way.  However, my experience has shown me that by this age, children really want to have their own autonomy to choose the friends they want to.  Learning from mistakes is an important part of the growing up process.  Friendships are an odd thing sometimes.  People you don't care for at all are often someone else's best friend.  You don't understand it, but it is important to the other person.  I think it is great that you are asking her opinion about situations that arise.  Your daughter is probably pretty smart and I am sure she knows exactly how you feel about these 3 girls even if you haven't told her everything you think or feel.  Some children lean towards doing the opposite of what they know their parents want.  It is a normal part of separting from your parents and can be quite exasperating from the parent stand-point.  For some reason, your daughter is willing to put up with being treated poorly to have the attention of these girls.  I've seen it happen many times.  I don't know why, but it is not uncommon.  I wouldn't forbid your daughter having friends overnight just so she won't spend time with these girls because she may resort to doing what she can to find a way to be with them.  It may even work to your advantage if you can get them away from their little "threesome" and get to know them each as individuals instead of as a group.  It would be likely that you will find just one (or maybe 2) of them is the "ring-leader" and the other 2 (or at least one) are pretty nice girls.  My oldest and my middle as well as my youngest are all girls so we've gone through quite a lot of friend drama over the years.  We have just one son and his friendships were so much simpler than the girls'.

Answer 11

In theory:

Along comes something in a fifth graders life called "popularity." Your daughter might find them the "in crowd" or something like that. By your daughters age I could expect that she is going to be a middle schooler next year. She will meet new people and become friends with them. It's almost like everyone is your best friend in middle school. If the girls are bothering you so much you might want to talk to your daughter or the girls' parents.

Amanda

Answer 12

Why...Do...You...Care? Unless your daughter cares it's fine...and i can garuntee the 'nice' friends are losers who wear girrafe pants

Answer 13

you could let her not hang out with them and make her hang out with others.

if her happiness isn't different when she is hanging out with the different kinds of friends I wouldn't worry about it, you might be looking deeper than you need to.

you can also let her know that they are not invited to your house if they are going to act like that.

Answer 14

its just a stage where she desperately tries to fit in with the 3 popular girls who let it get to their heads.

i used to have 3 really mean friends -- and eventually i gave them up for the better :)

try explaining to her that she shouldnt be treated that way. and that "friends" like that arent worth her time. she should be enjoying her youth while she still can!!! the most you can do is try to let her go through the tough times in life with the support, but not all the guidance. just think on the bright side. it will teach her a valuable lesson on how to pick who shes friends with ---

i did :)

Answer 15

I know exactly what you mean and this is the age when this starts.  It's so hard to stand by and watch but we have to let our girls learn on their own to some extent.  Unless these girls are trying to be mean and emotionally hurting her..don't do anything drastic.

Answer 16

More then likely these three girls are some of the "popular" girls in school that your daughter and probably some of her nicer friends "look" up too because popularity always seems to mean so much.  You are right to not want them overnight, as your daughter is still in the time frame that they aren't trying to be mean.  Try to encourage her to invite other people over and to be herself, that she doesn't have to impress these girls to have friends, that she can have more fun with the nicer girls and have more to do then being left out, hopefully soon she will realize that it's more fun with the other girls then these three.

Answer 17

It's obvious that for some reason your daughter looks up to these girls and would rather be with them and be treated bad than to not be with them at all......it's like popularity by association. Many teen movies are out there based on the same topic.........

Check out the book: Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind by Michael J. Bradley

Even though she' s only 11.........she is on her way to the terrible teens! My daughter was at her worse at 12 & 13 but she is much better at 16!  Good luck!

Answer 18

as a mom of 6 ..i can tell you the more you tell her you dislike them..the more she will want to be with them...mine all went through with this....my one daughter never had anyone over because she thought i was aweful...now she talks about how stupid that was when she was young and how much she missed out on...say your peace and then let it work itself out...