13 yr old girl wants freedom?

Question

My stepdaughter is 13 and she wants "to be like everyone else". Other kids who get to just hang around streets and store parking lots and have cell phones and have myspace. Her father is very against all that and is overprotective. She just thinks that he is mean and doesn't let her do anything. We have told her she can go out with friends we just have to know where she is and with who and there has to be an adult around. Is this too much? Her father was a youth pastor for 12 years and saw too much of what happens to younger girls and doesn't want that for his daughter (she lives with us). What is ok to allow? He also doesn't want her dating yet, this is reasonable right?

Answer 1

That's totally reasonable!

Too many young people these days grow up too fast, without the consequences or responsibility..

Hanging on street corners and partying late at night should be reserved for when she turns 18 or so.. Don't let her learn the hard way now

Answer 2

This is such a tough call because 13 is very young and the world can be such a dangerous place.

I have two teenage sons and I have similar problems. As much as you want to protect them you also have to give them their freedom. I've done it a little at a time after they have shown me they can handle it or have earned it.

Your daughter wants a cell phone, make her earn it. My boys have a list of stuff they want and when they improve their GPA they get item off of that list.

I spend a lot of time with my boys. They might not always think I'm reasonable but I explain the best that I can all of my decisions effecting them. Once they know why, they usually don't feel I'm being arbitrary or unfair. Also I do talk to them regularly about s*x, dating, drugs, the world at large both good and bad. During these talks no subject is taboo, like how else are they going to learn, either you tell them or someone else will. (and that someone else might not have their best interests in mind)

13 is too young for dating but group activities with boys and girls her own age, maybe. School and church dances, probably yes.  You have to take an active part in planing what your children will be allowed to do. You can't just say no without giving them an option.

Answer 3

the less freedom you give her, the more she will do behind your back .. its like that with almost every teenager. give her freedom.

Answer 4

I believe the restrictions are reasonable. She's thirteen years old... far too young to be doing things on her own. These other children who have cellphones rarely use them, and when they do they MISuse them. I, personally, do not believe a child should have a cellphone until they start going and doing things on their own. Or, if the child is on a sports or school team that travels without you there, that would be a good reason as well.

As for the myspace, no-one under the age of 14 is allowed to have one according to their TOS. Your daughter's friends must be lying about their age just so they can have one. If myspace found out about this, they'd be deleted promptly.

What is she thinking? Children shouldn't hang out ANYWHERE by themselves. I remember at that age how incredibly untouchable I felt. I didn't have fear of anyone. In today's day & age, you should.

Explain these things to her father and her.

Answer 5

Very reasonable! You are the parents, you make the rules. 13 is not old enough to take care of her self. Let her know that she is not alone. there are plenty of teens who live by the same rules including my 14 and 16 year old daughters.My girls try to tell me the same thing all the time and my response is always the same "The other kids don't belong to me. I love you and want you to be safe. When you are 18 and move out you get to make all your own decisions but until then I make them". They are so use to me saying it that they very rarely ask for anything outside the box anymore.

Answer 6

my advice to you is mostly to let your husband do what he thinks is right with his daughter. i understand that you are in your stepdaughters life probably as much as him, but ultimately it's his duty to care for her. i think that rules you talked about are understandable. the more you know, the better for you. try maybe to give her a little more freedom, but remember she's still young. maybe give her a cell phone so that she has something more to feel special about and you have another way of contacting her. i'm sure you guys are doing a good job. good luck. :)

Answer 7

let her do one out of all the things let her stay out with other kids and give her a cell phone give her limited minutes and a  crewfew then she wont do bad things if she does then you can take thing away  good luck hun :)

Answer 8

She's FAR too young and immature to date GEEZE wanting her to wind up pregnant at 15 are you?  She also doesn't NEED a my space, besides can't have one until she is 14 anyway.  She also doesn't need to have access to the internet unless it is for schoolwork anyway.  She doesn't need a cellphone, unless SHE can pay for the phone and the plan herself.  Overlyprotective I don't think so, he is being a RESPONSIBLE parent, that's HIS and YOUR job.

Answer 9

you're doing the right thing, stick to your guns on this, 13 is VERY young, you do need to know where she is, always!

she should be monitored on the internet, there are sicko's out there that prey on little girls, and yes, she is definately too young to date, you're doing a good job, keep it up, someday she'll understand that..

start the freedom process slowly, freedom is earned not just granted..

Answer 10

I think a 13 yr old should have a small amount of freedom, but I think they should have to earn it.  I can't imagine how bad it must be to be a pastors daughter (no offense) in the sense that she is probably hugely overprotected and sheltered.  It's natural for her to want to rebel which is a perfect reason to cut her some slack.  Give her an inch, but make it clear the consequences of taking a mile.  Let her feel it out and you can then base your level of trust on her actions.  That is a way of earning.  Let her go to the mall, its a public place with security.  Know who she is with and you could even pop in for shopping just to check on her to see that she is being honest.  She may hate you for it, but she will know you mean business.

Answer 11

At 13 she is still a kid. All kids want freedom but just hanging in the streets is too much. I would rather tell my 13year old no now because I would hate to be telling her how to change diapers 9 months from now because she didnt have enough supervision

Answer 12

i think what you're doing is the right thing, i'm only 18 myself..

but i found something horrific on sunday morning..i am an auntie to 7, and my oldest niece, who is just turned 14 had pictures of herself on bebo, where boys are touching parts of her body, and she is making rude gesters to the camera. I also found on her msn display picture she was flashing her chest, and that she has been talking to an 18 year old boy who lives in her area and arranging to meet up and go 'drinking'.

i felt sick at what i had seen, and i have never done anything like that. her mum (which is my sister) has let her go out on the streets have a mobile, msn, bebo etc. and it has affected her badly...

you should just explain things like that to her, if you havent already, and what you are saying is reasonable, if they get into the habit too young, they'll end up like my niece, and thats exactly what you dont want for your daughter..

as she gets older she'll be greatful for it, i know i am to my mum for having the control over me.

but i hope you work out this problem, as my mum always says to me, you have to be a mum to your daughters before you're their friend :)

Answer 13

13 year old girls do not need to be hanging out on the street!  she needs to have her but at home. remember at 13 she is still a little girl, she may have the body of an older girl (most girls do now) but they still have the brain of a child, they would not know how to fend off a guy making advances to them. I say you support your husband and stick with the rules unless you want to be grandparents or something else. ok for all you 13 year olds out ther go ahead and give me a thumbs down but I am grown and times were different the world was a safer place for 13 year olds to go hang out and have fun but now days there are too many predators out there and they will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up!

Answer 14

Give the girl her freedom. Wake up, people over the age of 12 never hang out with a parent around. It's not reasonable at all. Maybe her not having a myspace is, I agree with you on that one. Be protective, just don't go overboard like you are. She's got to live, and experience things. She can't have you guys experience them and just automatically shut down everything she'd like to do.

And yes, you do need to know where she is just follow your own judgement.

Answer 15

I mean I can see why she'd be upset. You all need to trust her to go to the mall with her girlfriends, or to a movie. Get her a cell phone so she can call you if she has any problems, you could drop her off at whenever the movie started then pick her up whenever it was over. It doesn't sound like she's enjoying her teenage years. As for myspace, that's your alls decison; she can make her page private on there where only her friends can see it though, there are ways to make it safe. I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your 13 year old daughter; but no offence, give her some freedom.

Answer 16

I am 15 and I can relate to your daughter. Teens need to not be coddled by their parents and they need to feel like they have a life apart from their family. Although your husband thinks he is doing the right thing by restricting her, it will just encourage her to rebel. It would be much better to let her be a bit more adventurous but with reasonable precautions. I don't think that not allowing her to have a mobile phone is a good idea. Has it crossed his mind that if he lets her have a phone, then she could always be in contact with him, and therefore, be much safer? I agree with knowing where she is and who with, plus when she will be likely to be back. If it will make her feel better tell her that I am 15 years old, live in a small village with a low crime rate and I need to do the following things to please my mum:

I am not allowed to stay after school and hang out with my freinds unless I have phoned my mum and she knows where I am and when I will be back.

If i get the answering machine I have to come home and tell her.

I have chores to do, and they need to be done before I go anywhere.

I have to PHONE and tell her not text so there is no room for her to miss the text or something.

With regards to dating, when you are 13 "dating"or "going out" with a boy usually just means that you don't think a certain boy has "cooties" She would probably just be hanging out with him at breaks and lunch etc. She probably already has had some boyfriends that your husband doesnt know about.

Hope this helps, if she or you want to email me regarding this then fire away!

Answer 17

My daughter is knocking on 12,  What I do, is I allow her to go to activity night at her school, she goes to the dances at her school,  We take her to basketball games and football games but she sits in the student section with her friends and we sit away from her but still in eye shot.  She goes to the ice rink and we stay in the car and blink the lights when it is time to go.  She is never out of our sight or an adults sight.  

You could let her have a myspace, the only time kids run into trouble, is if their sight is public.  You could set it up as private.  no one can view that sight if they are not her friend.

you can also have it set up where the people who send a friend request has to actually know your daughter.  They have to answer a question like  her last name or what ever question you set up.  Just make it manditory that you know the login information and check it.  Make sure she understands not to go into chat or add any friends that she does not know.

I wouldn't allow her to be hanging out in the streets or in parking lots that is for sure to much can happen.

She doesn't need a cell phone unless she is going to be some where with out an adult. or she is going to spend the night at a friends.

I give my daughter my cell if she is over at a friends house due to the fact that we recently had a problem with my daughter being in a car with a friends father and he was drunk she called and my husband and I picked her up.  And that is one friend she will never stay with or go any where with again unless it is with us.

As far as dating goes, I wouldn't let her go out by herself with a boy,  But I would allow her  to have a boyfriend at school  and she could hang out with him at  school activities and  or at the skating rink with my supervision.  And there would be no sitting on laps or playing smoochy face or butt grabbing or anything else.  

I don't think your husband is unreasonable,  there are things you can do to give her a sence of freedom and still make sure she is safe.   You as a family just need to sit down and

work out something that will work for both you and you daughter.

Answer 18

You're doing the right thing. There are a lot of Marvin B's out there.

Answer 19

At 13 all parents are mean and never let them do what they want. Even the kids who hang out in parking lots and in the streets have issues. Your husband has a high level of integrity for his daughter and that is fantastic. Keep to your guns and do what is best for you and your daughter. She has no business dating at this age. But a well supervised group outing to the movies and mall for a little bit is what I did at that age and is best. I've seen so many 12 - 14 year old girls on this answers asking for advice on whether or not they could be pregnant. And the main reason is time left unsupervised. Bored kids trying to be grown up. You can explain to her that there are laws on loitering in parking lots and streets for a reason and she should refrain from that. Perhaps she should be more involved with her youth group and you guys should find parents of kids her age who share the same values. This way she won't feel so pressured by these "friends" at school. Our youth group had many things to do, bowling night, days at the beach, even just a dinner at the fellowship hall and game night. These can give her the social life she craves without the exposure to bad things. Tell your husband kudos to him for caring about his daughter's future. As for myspace there is an age, I'm not sure what, that teens can have a myspace, it is for a good reason. If she wants one that bad try allowing her to do on a supervised basis. Let her know it's not her you don't trust but other people and you want to make sure she is protected. If she doesn't like that idea then too bad, no myspace. There are rules to follow in life and teaching them to respect the rules can never be a bad thing!

Answer 20

U are doing the right thing. This world is crazy out there. I also think it depends on how mature your step-daughter is. Does she do what u ask of her around the house? Does she do good in school? All these things come into play. I have kids to and one they same age and she can't go anywhere like that unless a adult is around and she does have a cell phone. Absolutely No DATING UNTIL MAYBE  SHE IS 16 AND WE WILL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET THERE TO ADJUST IF NEEDED.

Answer 21

Simple when she starts paying the bills that is when she will have her freedom!!!  Are ya crazy its a rough world out there!!!  If I had a daughter  I would be just like your husband no way no how is she on a date or on the street!!!  I dont care about anyone else end of story!!!  You just tell her because I said!!!

Answer 22

I agree with dad for sure!!  She is 13 not 31, though I'm sure she feels like 25!!!  She should be allowed to go to the mall, for 2 hours or so, and the cell phone thing, I didn't have one til I was 29, and I'm okay!!  My space is asking for trouble if you aren't careful, and parking lots, streets, make you look like a little hood elem!!  If you live near the country get her a horse!!!  Or put her into some sports that keep her busy like soccer! Volleyball, softball....  She will get a new group of friends too....

Answer 23

Keeping her locked up more then letting her out can cause her to get in to a lot of trouble when she is of age. I'm not saying that ya'll are doing a bad thing by wanting to know where she is at all times but I am saying that it is good to let her get out there and learn that people aren't what they seem to be. I was dating at the age of 13 years old when I found my first love but then again I was way more mature then I should of been. It's really up to ya'll to decide what is worse for her. Spending time with people and learning from her mistakes or making her be a home body until she is of age and become something she isn't

Answer 24

Sounds like your husband needs to work on his own issues before he is ready to interact in an appropriate way with his daughter. Send him to therapy

Answer 25

i am 13 and my parents want to know who i'm with and where i'm going but u should prolly think about getting her a cellphone so when she goes out u can get a hold of her.so u r doing a good thing just let her have a little more freedom

Answer 26

Yes it sure is! Keep it up, my parents were the same way, i couldn't date till I was 18, I am 18 now and still haven't dated, haven't found the right guy, but i have good morals and havne't been in any trouble, trust me she will live just don't give in to her, she is still a minor and you cant control her now if you give her freedom she could go wild and you won't be able to control her, when she is older she will understand and likely be greatful. Good luck and God Bless

just make sure she knows how much you both love and care for her and that you want to protect her!

Answer 27

This is your child, raise her how you want and its ok to be overprotective a bit. As long as you let her do stuff its ok to want to know what she's doing and with who, you're just doing your job.

Answer 28

Everyone should have freedom. You should not take her freedom away from her because she may be missing out on al ot of things.I am 22 years old and I found the love of my life who is 13 yrs. old and we are very happy. She might miss the love of her life because u took away her freedom. Love at first sight is a real thing.

Answer 29

I think you are being reasonable. It's only natural for her to want some independence at her age, but your husband is right, too. Invite some of her friends over for dinner or a sleep over. 13 is too young for a cell phone and for hanging out without knowing where she is.