19 year old daughter has us at our wits end. ?

Question

We love her unconditionally but she has become an emotional drain on all. She's been dating a boy who is a liar & emotionally abuses her. We used to all be very close but not anymore. It's like she isolated herself from us and is now an accomplished liar. In Dec she's home from college after her 1st quarter away from home. She gets pregnant during break gets an abortion two days before she's to return. 2nd quarter she's on academic probation with a 1.24 gpa (she graduated HS with High Honors)pulls it out spring quarter. She's at summer school gets arrested for a drunk in public and goes to court next week. We don't know if it's time for an ultimatum that she must go to weekly counseling. I have asked her before but my husband has said since she's 19 there isn't much we can do. I say time for tough love and cut her off financially. I've tired to make her go to counseling to no avail. She's wearing us out. In HS we had no problems, she played 3 sports and cheered for 3 years and was captain of her high school squad. Any serious input would be appreciated. She choose the college she goes to and loves it there but she certainly has some issues.

Answer 1

It is time for tough love.  You can't do anything to change her mind but you can save yours.  She has to face consequences..and I know how hard that is...I am a mother myself.  Sometimes you have to hurt and let them make their own mistakes and hope they don't get too hurt.

She needs to be respectful to you if she expects you to pay her college which she is failing...and help her out.  She isn't doing it and so you have no choice.  You can't keep enabling her...it is time to let her fly and fall and pick herself up again.  

Believe me...I understand how hard it is to be tough when you see the child you have loved and raised and had hopes and dreams for....lose her way and not seem to care about anything.

Your husband is right...there is nothing more you can do for her.  INSIST she go to counseling?  It isn't going to help but eat up your money.  She will lie and not cooperate.  You can force someone to go ...but you can't make them ENGAGE in counseling.  It will be useless.  Counseling is only helpful to those that want to figure out what is wrong and want some insight into what problems there are and how to resolve them in a way that is good for them.  She doesn't know what is good for her.  It might help you and your husband to go to counseling together though.  You need to be together through this and talk it out and make sure you both are in this together and that you both fully understand each other.  This is going to be stressful and you don't want later for one of you to say...see I didn't agree but I went along with it...or someone say....I told you that wouldn't work..this is your fault...etc.  You two are under a lot of stress and you can get some insight into your options and resources.  It can help you be stronger together when you are really talking about this.  

I am so sorry you are going through this.  We raise our children and pray for the best for them.  We have these dreams and hopes for them and then we realize when they turn a certain age they can say...hey you can't boss me around anymore..quit being my mom.   HOW do you stop being a mother when your whole life was protecting them and teaching them and taking pride in them?  It can't stop overnight.....you can't turn off your emotions that quickly.  

Please take care...and please consider counseling for you and your husband.  You have no idea how much that will help.  It will help relieve the stress that might come out in problems in your marriage.  STAY STRONG together!

Susanna

Answer 2

Well, sometimes these things happens in families for one reason or another.   Sometimes, parents think that just because they send their children to play sports and pay for all these extra curricular activities that the kids will grow up to be excellent.   I grew up never getting a chance to do any of those things because we didn't have the money, and I had to come home and baby sit while my mom worked until late at night just to be able to pay the rent and have food on the table.  Maybe you have given it to her too easy. So far her life has been about fun, and about the parents making all these things available to her.  Now, she went off to college, she has all this freedom and ran with it.  You are right, it is time for tough love.   Take the money away, and whatever goodies you are providing that she hasn't earned.  Its time she learns that her actions have consequences.  

I personally think she falls easily under the influence of others, so I do think she might need some sort of counseling to gain confidence in herself, and begin to learn that she needs to think before she acts. It will be a tough road, and she might resist, but you as parents must not give up.   Be tough, and dint give in.   Seek help for her.   As far as her boyfriend goes, love is blind, and no matter what you say she will not listen until she realizes he is no good.

I think it would be a terrible mistake for her to go away again.   Have her transfer to a school near home where you can keep an eye on her.  

Answer 3

I think its probably time to bring her home for a while take the funds away. No money no party:(

Answer 4

Look this to me isn't any "issues"

she is 19 years old she's gonna do stuff that you dont like. you can't try to control everything.

You can cut her off finacially there's no reason for her to go to college if she's not actually learning or going to graduate. but other than that let her be she's young.

Answer 5

Turn the spigot off on the money.  Tell her she has a room at home but that you expect her to get straightened out before you will pay for her to go back to college out of town.  Maybe if she gets a job and goes to community college she will realize what a gift she had.  She doesn't sound very mature and might possibly going wild because she couldn't experience things at home?  If that doesn't work then drop her at a women's shelter, that ought to wake her up.  It's tough love because it's tough on you too.  

Answer 6

It's sounds like she was a very good student and athlete in High School.  It could be she is hitting the rebellion stage now.  But without financial assistance from mommy and daddy it makes one grow up and have to handle there own business.  

Answer 7

well counseling is a good option for her. im 14 and my parents made me go to counseling cuz i was binge drinking. yeah shes obviously got issues and i have a feeling it has to do with that boyfriend of hers.dont give her an ultimatum bcuz she needs to know that ur still there for her but also at the same time that ur not gonna keep living like this. tell her she needs to change her life or else she can keep living miserably like this and immaturaly. it is time for tough love and it sounds to me like ur husband is just in denial. yeah i know im only 14 and ur prob thinking what do u know? but i do know a lot and i hope im helping. =) good luck with everything and dont let this get u down. and remember.. dont give up on her.  

Answer 8

Hmmm looks like you should have raised her better.

Its okay though.  99% of american parents are failures.

Answer 9

tough love. she needs it.

Answer 10

Been there. It's easy to be in our kids corner when they are doing everything right. But please believe me it is so much more important to not let her push you away. Don't make any comments about the boy friend. The more you hate him the more she will want him. Try asking her in a non-judgemental way if she is really happy. Ask her where she sees her life taking her 5 years from now. Tell her you love her no matter what and you would do anything she needs to help her untangle her life. Please know that I lost my daughter last year and I wish I were dead. Don't let your daughter slip away. Hang onto her with both arms. I'll pray for you all.

Answer 11

Cut her off! She sounds terrible! abortion! She needs to see a shrink!

Answer 12

Does your daughter or you as her parents know the lord ? I would highly recommend attending a good bible based Church and setting up a counseling session or meeting with the pastor.  Most Churches have a first baptist Church in them and they are very sound biblicaly speaking . Also ,statistics show that Christians counselors make up the best counselors in the country. I'm by no means trying to push the Baptist Church. I myself don't even attend Church right now it's just a recommendation based on experience. .. I hope this helps you and your daughter... God bless you !

Answer 13

She's 19, you can't really tell her what to do anymore, and it won't help her if you do try to   best thing to do is let her ruin her own life, she can't learn from her mistakes unless you let her make them

My sister is 24 and still making mistakes, she won't stop and doesn't think what she is doing is wrong because my mother continues to take care of her when she needs it... She has 3 kids (all by diff dads) and no money to take care of them and a huge drug user

Answer 14

This calls for tough love. Im sorry i am not telling you how to be a parent but i can certainly see you have been way too lenient to let her get this far!

You are going to have to give her an ultimatum and quickly. Demand that she calmly and respectively has a family meeting with you and your husband (her dad).

You would be right to tell her, "Look, obviously we can't tell you who you can and can't date anymore now that you're 19 but if you want to continue doing all of this and acting as irresponsible as you have been , we refuse to financially support you and you will have to be on your own."

this is a big thing for teenagers, i went off the rails when i was 16 and my parents were very tough about it too. They said that they would no longer support me, that even meant with food to eat with meals.

You're also going to have to tell her if she refuses to see a professional, she'll have to stay with a family member / grand parent .

(temporarily of course)...Something like that.

You need to stop being so lenient and although it hurts to punish your child and feel like a monster, you're only doing what you have to , to get results.

Answer 15

yes, its time to get her help.

i might be too young to say but it seems like she was so 'good' in highschool .. that shes sick of being that type of person and now shes just rebelling, but if you can have a heart to heart with her and take her to some councelling and hopefully get rid of her boyfriend,

maybe things will improve..

Answer 16

I would defiantly send her to weekly counseling. Your daughter may not like it at all, but life decisions certainly matter. Take her to weekly counseling, if she does not listen, just keep on trying for as long as you think you can.

Good luck!

Answer 17

Caroline, I too have the same problem, only it is with my 19 year old son.  I found the support group Tough Love and they have been fantastic!  I am in Sydney Australia, but they tell me that the founders of the group are actually American, so you should be able to find a group fairly easily.  Please go to the group and see what it is all about and you will find amazing results.  You should Google it first and read all about it.  

I wish you nothing but luck and sympathize with you, because I have also been through this with my other son (who is now 26).  It was a nightmare, but he has pulled himself out of it, so don't worry because you have a lovely supportive husband (I am single) and with some help and guidance your daughter will be OK. lol

Answer 18

heres the situation.. im 20... message me back and i will get her email or myspace or something and tlak to her ... just to let her now she dosent have to be with a guy that treats her like c**p... it rly chaps my hide when a guy is disrespectful and rude to a woman... and it sounds like she has got alot going for hwe as far as sports and cheerleadin.. most cheerleaders can get guys anywhere.. and tenagers are emotional no matter what... but the guy stressin her out dont help... the main thing is let her know that you love her no matter what.. and even though you mat not agree with her choices in men or anything else you will respect it and let her be her own person... but yeah ... message me and we can talk a little more...

Answer 19

definately time for tough love. cut her of financially and explain that while you still love her, you will not condone her behaviour and once she shows she is serious about her education, health and life you will concider going back to how things were. Just done blame yourself, children make their own choices and you can only show them the path to take. if they choose to go a different one you can but sit at the end and hold your arms open for when they come out.

good luck to you and your family.