2 Adoption Question For Adoptees Who Will Truthfully (& Sensitively Answer)?

Question

My husband & I were excitedly and ignorantly getting our paperwork together to adopt. Meetings on: open adoption - truth - honesty & answers about our baby's birth family & more - we studied the importance of as though reading "What to Expect While Expecting" word for word. I had lunch with an adopted friend of mine who told me "Don't do it". With my mouth wide opened, (& selfish tears) E. shared all of the pain and loss that she & her sister felt and has had their entire lives. Growing up w/E. and her adopted sis. & seeing the love & laughter w/their mother and father always made me want to adopt 1 day. The 2 beautiful girls who entered this happy family (because of their presence & long waited arrival) no longer existed - nor do their happy smiles & joy that they had as children & more. Her pain is strong & deep of leaving her birth family. 1. How can I be there for her besides having an open heart & open mind? 2.Should we still give our lives & huge love to the baby we dream of?

Answer 1

Whats better?

To be born and thrown into a world of foster homes and maybe even abuse?

OR

To be born and adopted to someone that will truly love you and give you the love and support that every child deserves?

Answer 2

I definitely agree with Mama Kate about educating yourself about the adoptee experience. There are many helpful books out there that shed light on much of what an adoptee goes through.

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

20 Things Adopted Kids wished their Adoptive Parents Knew - Sherrie Eldredge

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness- Betty Jean Lifton

etc. etc.

I'd also suggest checking out those blogs that were mentioned, too. Being adopted is hard, and it's a pain that can't just be taken away by love, but  I think truly educated adoptive parents who go about adoption with their eyes wide open can be a great benefit to kids, especially those who are in foster care. The motto should be homes for kids, not kids for homes, ya know?

Answer 3

As MamaKate has mentioned - adoption is extremely complex - and too often only the happy happy side is exposed - while so much of the truth is glossed over.

Do read widely - from adoptees and first mothers - this really is the key to better understanding.

Adoption of children - that really really need a loving family - such as those who have already had parental rights relinquished  - such as those in foster care - are the one's that need adoption.

Infant adoption - where a child is made to be given away - is wrong - as it's a whole heap of head-mess for the adoptee - on so many many levels.

To your questions -

1. Read widely - and pass on good finds to your adoptee friend. Know that you're trying to understand what it's like from the adoptee view point. It helps when 'real' kids (non adopted peeps) try hard to understand. Do validate the loss and adoptee experience - and never invalidate or dismiss the adoptees feelings. Many adoptees are told often to be grateful they weren't aborted - and similar comments - that I'm sure non-adopted peeps are rarely told the same.

Validation validation validation. It's important.

2. Keep your dreams in check. Any child that is adopted - will never be like one of your own bio kids. They just can't be (different genetic pool) - and they should never be made to pretend just to please their adoptive parents.

A child up for adoption - comes with a history/past/story/genetic stock - that is different to your own. Always honour that - allow those stories to be told - never keep secrets.

Adoptees don't ask to be given away to another family - they really just want to be loved and cared for by their own family.

If that can't happen - another loving family would be great - but don't dismiss that child's past - it is a very large part of who they are.

Most adoptees ultimately want to know and love all their families - and be loved deeply in return.

Answer 4

It's unfortunate that your friend is having such a hard time.  HOWEVER, if you truly believe in your heart that you can love an adopted child as you would a bio one, then do it.  There are children out there that need homes, and love.  Otherwise, they get stuck in the system.

Answer 5

First don't let one person who isn't happy change your mind. When my parents adopted me they had a bio son. I was never treated any differently and my brother never treated me like I wasn't his sister. Just do your research and follow your heart. The best thing (from my own adoption experience) was having open and honest parents. There are thousands of kids out there just waiting for someone like you to give them a chance and the love you have to offer.

Answer 6

U SHOULD WHEN I GOT ADOPTED IT MENT SO MUCH TO ME AND MY PARENTS!! U CAN BE VERY PROUDE OF YOUR CHILDREN & YOUR SELF!!

Answer 7

I am not adopted, but my sister in law and her husband adopted a beautiful baby girl 4 years ago when they discovered they both had fertility issues.

It is a very open adoption, the birth mom (16)was refered to by her aunt to my husbands aunt. My b&s in law went to the girls home and met with her and kept in touch by email and phone over the course of the pregnancy.

Their daughter knows that her moms tummy was broken and so she had to come from another moms tummy. She knows the names of her birth parents and has pictures of them, letters, recieves presents on special occasions and in turn her new parents send pictures and letters quarterly.

I think if you have the love to give, and the patience to wait you should go for it. They love her just as much as if they concieved and gave birth to her themselves.

As to having your own children already, if you can have more naturally do it that way (so many people who can't are waiting for a child) and talk with your children to make sure that they are comfortable with the idea. It should be a family decision, of course but you should take their feelings into consideration.

Answer 8

Dear W&W,

I think that you and your husband are wonderful to want to open your hearts and home to a child and can understand your shock at your friend's response - especially if she is part of your inspiration to do so. Adoption has many sides and every situation is different.

E. is right about many things that I'm sure never crossed your mind. Adoption agency brochures conviently leave out large amounts of VERY important information out of their glossy pink pages - as your friend has revealed to you. I think you are very lucky to have a friend who is willing to share her pain and be honest with you about her feelings. If you do decide to adopt, she will be a wonderful resource for you.

I would suggest thet you and your husband do some more research into adoption - this time from the pov of Adoptees and First Parents. You may be surprised a bit more but I assure you that knowing these things will help you navagate the waters of adoption a bit more smoothly. Learning about these povs will help you to better understand adoption, plan an ethical and healthy adoption, will make you a better (adoptive) parent and can help stregnthen the relationship you have with E.

Have you and your husband considered adopting from foster care? While it is not perfect, it has many benefits including less chance of unethical practices, added support and resources and the knowledge that you are providing a home and family to a child who is truely in need.

Here are some useful links to get you started:

On ethics:

http://www.ethicanet.org/itemlist.php?pa...

http://www.karensadoptionlinks.com/pear/

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=ethical...

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Blogs:

First Mothers:

http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/

http://exiledmom.blogspot.com/

http://birthmom1986-confessionsof.blogsp...

Adoptees:

http://chezblot.blogspot.com/

http://adoptedjane.blogspot.com/

http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/

You sound like a very nice couple and I hope that you will continue with your journey through adoption. You are in a special position to do something amazing and you have a very special friend who can help you make it happen.  Please accept my warmest wishes for a happy and healthy future with you friend and your family!

PS I hope we see you around some more on Y?A - we can be a good resource too! :)

ETA: I'm glad I can help! <3 If I can ever help or answer a question you may have, please don't hesitate to e-mail me! You sound like a truely lovely bunch of people. My sincerest best wishes to all of you!