2 kids one source of income.

Question

I'm really frustrated,

before we had kids, me and my wife had a plan to have kids and then she would go back to work to help financially.

we are on our second child and now she doesn't feel it worth going back to work because my work is so demanding, and she doesn't believe in day care.

that means there is only on income coming in and its a financial burden on me.

am i being selfish to think she needs to get a job?

i understand being a mother is tough and i try to help as much as i can.

any body have any experience with this situation?

how did you guys get through it.

how should i be thinking about this instead of looking at it as supporting 3 people?

Answer 1

This is a HOT topic.  I read a few answers and got so mad I had to stop to write my answer.

People listen up closely:  Some people can not afford to live on one income and support a family of 4.  I'm so glad that your husbands make soooooo much money to be able to do this for your family.  Truth is no matter how much you penny pitch on every single item, or live in low income housing, you still sometimes can't make it on one income.  Congratulations to you sahm's and your husbands for having a "high" paying job.

No, you should not have to get a higher paying job.  Please!!  In this economy, we are all lucky to have a job!

If it's a financial burden on you and your household, then you need to sit down with your wife, with a budget in hand, and explain why you need her to work.  It's not too much to ask that she work p-t in the evening a few times a week, if you can get by on just that.  So many department stores need help in the evening and you won't be paying for daycare.  Maybe she can start off with this and see if this works out.  Otherwise, see if she's willing to do a stay at home job, like selling jewelry (Lia Sophia is a good one).  You work 1 to 2 evenings a week and eventually you can bring in a few hundred dollars a month.  You can make $20-40K a year doing this. (so I've heard).  good luck and don't listen to the people who say listen to your wife.  This is a marriage and its all about compromise and supporting eachother.

Edit:  Interesting comments Amy M.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe I do have kids and they are in daycare, and my opinion is based on my life experience?  Did you ever go to my daughter's Kindergarten teacher or Preschool teacher or 1st grade teacher and ask if my daughter behaves in school?  I'm sure that ANY Kindergarten teacher will tell you Yes, madam, ALL the boys and girls in daycare are always in trouble in my class.  Oh please.  What will you do if your husband dies tragically, or loses his job for a year?  Will you still stay home with the kids, because by goneit that's why I had kids!

Edit: Hmm.. interesting, believing something and knowing something is true are completely different.  I don't believe my kids behave.  I know they do.  And my other comments completely flew over your head.  Why don't you try re-reading them slowly then respond with some sort of logic.

Thanks for the insults Amy.  Congratulations on being such a nice person - I really hope your attitude doesn't rub off on your children.  I don't think of my kids grandmother as being a stranger.  That shows how much you know about me and my family.

Answer 2

I am a female and personally I don't think that you're selfish for feeling that she needs to get a job because she does. She sees that things are tight right now and she should want to help out financially. I don't think it would be fair if (knock on wood) you lose your house and then she's blaming you for being out on the street when she could've done something to help. As far as daycare goes I'm sure there's a family member or friend that would be willing to help during the day with the kids if she were to work even part-time, and if she doesn't want to do that then there are work-at-home jobs. Legit ones! http://jobs.aol.com/article/_a/companies...

And if you're into home-based-businesses check out

www.sdwintegrity.tk

I also do surveys online which if I took all the surveys that they sent me I'd earn at least an extra $100 a month. But you have to join a few of them. E-mail me and I'll send those to you if you want.

Hope you guys can work it out I know finances can put a lot of stress on marriage! Wish you luck.

Answer 3

After figuring in the staggering cost of daycare for two children, are you sure that she'd be pulling in enough income to make it worth it? That is the situation in my house. If I worked outside of the home, I'd basically be handing over my entire paycheck to daycare. Plus, I hate the thought of spending the majority of the day away from my children, only to see them for maybe one or two hours in the evening before it's bedtime.

To help make ends meet, while still spending the day with my children (ages 3 and 1), I began running a daycare out of my home. I watch three children full-time (in addition to my own own 2 kids) and it's been GREAT. I wish I'd started doing this long ago! Since the daycare kids arrive after my husband goes to work and leave before he gets home, it doesn't affect him at all - he rarely even sees them.

That's just one alternative, if your wife thinks she can handle the extra children each day. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, if you can afford it, it's best that one of you stay home.  If you discussed this ahead of time and your wife said she'd go back to work, I can sort of understand why you're upset.  However, a lot changes once you have a baby.  It's hard to try and fathom how you're going to change after having a baby.  It's not uncommon that women chose to stay home.  Women who spent years in school and working up the ladder plan to return to their rewarding, lucrative, prestigious jobs, but can't bring themselves to leave their babies.   She's going to feel angry, hurt and trapped if you keep insisting she go back to work.  Would you rather have everyone unhappy, or will you feel better if you suck it up?

Answer 5

I would say, as a guy, that she is more right in her thinking than you are.

Of course, if the bills are piling up, then she might consider a part time job to help financially, but your priority, as a family, is to make sure your kids are well brought up.

Answer 6

Think of it this way. No daycare or nanny can provide the amount of love, support, value and care that a mother can. In daycare you really never know how their day went. A lot of daycares behave differently at drop-off and pick-up times than during the day. Your kids will be too small to tell you what really goes on.

Even if the care providers conduct themselves perfectly, look at the viewpoint of the child. A work day, is most of a kid's waking life. Mom and Dad are their whole lives and they miss their parents terribly during this day. Especially the primary caregiver which is usually Mom. How hard would it be to have little concept of time, but feel like you're always with these "other" people. Kids in daycare are also subject to the bad behaviors of their peers. They may get picked on, abused, taught other bad behaviors and such, and believe me the caretakers have their hands full. Where I live, it's 4 infants to 1 adult. My stepson's class is 1 adult to 12 three year olds. Kids can't possibly get the amount of love and attention they need this way. My stepson isn't a happy child and he's grown up in daycare. My daughter, who has had some very traumatic events take place in her life, has always had me with her and is a much happier kid than you'd think she should be.

If you wanted something done right, what do think you'd have to do, to do it right? Do it yourself, of course. When both parents work, a child is usually in daycare full-time. So parenting becomes a very part-time job. What job can you think of that you could go to a few hours (or less) per day and a little more on weekends and be successful? None. People always strive for success in the work place. Isn't parenting the most important job we as humans can do? It's up to us to raise children into adults who are secure, resilient, well-socialized, productive members of society. How effective can we be at this job part time?

And don't believe the myth that kids need daycare to socialize properly. Children learn to socialize by emulating the behavior of adults, not by imitating other kids. Ask ANY kindergarten teacher and he or she will tell you that daycare raised kids behave worse in school. And this continues for many years.



To answer your earlier question, yes you are being selfish. Money, material possessions, your nice car, whatever is being put before the needs of your kids is all ego. A real man cares more about his family's welfare more than his convenience, status or comfort. My husband gladly shoulders the burden of all of us (2 kids with twins on the way) and we all gladly make sacrifices so that we (mostly I)are always there for our kids. In sickness, health, good days, bad, when they need adjustments in their schedules (which daycare doesn't provide)no matter what. I have and will continue to be here for my kids first words, steps, first everythings. No one can say for sure they got to be there for this if their kid spent most of the day with someone else.

One more thing, I had a career that I loved. When you are a stay-at-home-mom, it's a thankless job. Only other SAHM's know what you're going through. You get no praise, no pats on the back and no recognition for what you do. So please understand that your wife is, in addition to a bona fide mother, a housekeeper, peacekeeper, errand runner, accountant and all around very busy woman. Throw some appreciation her way. It truly is the hardest job in the world.

There's a good website www.daycaresdontcare.org it's obviously really leaning toward one way, but you will get a lot of good info to help convince you that you're doing right by your kids. Best of luck to you.

I'm reading a lot of answeres here and some are great. The people that say she should work make no argument on the kids' behalf. It's all bills, "money is tight", etc. Will these people say daycare is good? They don't mention the kids, because the kids are not the focus, money is.It's interesting to look at from a sociological standpoint. The ones who put their kids first are the ones making it work. CEM what about the kids? They didn't even factor in your argument.

CEM your focus is still not on the kids. Just because you believe yours behaves well, doesn't mean it's true. You sound like someone trying to rationalize his decisions.

If, God forbid something should happen to my husband, I would still do what's best for my kids and stay home. Since our kids are what we focus on and since they are always what is most important to us, we have excellent life insurance policies that will provide for us for the rest of lives, and quite comfortably. Because we had our kids needs always at the front of our minds, we committed to making it work. If we were so focused on money, our kids wouldn't matter as much and they'd go to daycare and we wouldn't think twice about it. The truth is that you don't in so many back and forths with me, come across as someone who puts his kids first. And statistically daycare kids do behave worse. So congrats on your exceptional child. I'm sure she'll thank you for the high quality strangers she grew up with. You have a lot of ridiculous ranting about poor people having to use both incomes, but single parents get by don't they? I used to be one so I know first hand. Very few people find themselves in such horrid conditions with 2 parents or maybe they're incredibly stupid with money. The truth is, if your willing to commit right from the start to raise your children the right way, you'll find a way. CEM you still haven't factored your kids into your argument other thant to tell me your daugter is well behaved.

CEM my logic is irrefutable, so why don't you read through MY answers again, or perhaps brush up on your reading comprehension skills with your daughter's teacher.

Answer 7

My daughter and son-in-law own a grocery store.  They are both 26.  They have 2 boys ages 9 and 2 and a new baby coming in November.  They have a mortgage on the house and on the store building, a truck payment,  health care, and normal bills, besides the pay before the baby is born bills.

My son-in-law works Mon, Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat.  Thursday is his day off.  My daughter does the accounting for the store and the advertising from home.  She works in the store Thurs. as the cake decorator.

They don't use daycare.  It's too costly.  It's $2.50 per hour for 1 child and $3.50 per hr. for 2 kids.

During the summer, my daughter watches 2 extra kids Wed, Thurs, and Fridays.  So Thurs. my son-in-law watches the extra kids.

I never hear them complaining about the financial burdens.  The only thing I hear is I'm tired.  I'd be tired too if I had to own and operate a grocery store.

Your wife has a job.  Shes' the maid, the cook, the babysitter, the chauffer, the nurse, the teacher. What more do you want her to do?  She's not getting paid to do these jobs.  She's doing them because she wants too.

Life is a financial burden.  You might need to cut back on doing the "fun" things you like to do.  Do you go out alot?  Take your family to the park instead.  It's free.  Do you eat out at restaurants?  Don't.  Home cooked meals are so much better.  Eat outside in your own yard.  Have a picnic.  Do finger foods, kids love it.

Relax, Enjoy life.  Be glad you're a dad.  Love your wife and kids.  Tell her how much you appreciate her.  Spend time with them.  They are the most important things in your life, besides God.  They will be the only things left if you loose all the rest.  Love them.

Answer 8

in home child care for a few(1or2) kids,after school child care also helps a lot of parents need that type of care.Is she good at baking? Bake pies or cakes,sometimes all it takes is word of mouth and you can land  a couple of accounts .

Answer 9

I work graveyard.....my husband works dayshift so that we don't have to have a babysitter.  Cause we can not afford one for that matter.

But we have to have 2 incomes we can not make it otherwise.

Just tell her once the kids get in school you expect her to go back to work to help out.

Or try an arrangment like my household has.  It is deffinatly not for everyone.

Make sure she gets on birth control or make sure YOU get a vesectomy and then you will not have to worry about taking care of anyone else.

Answer 10

It's tough living on one income when you have kids.  When my kids were very little I was a SAHM.  As they got a little older, I got a part time job in the evenings and my husband looked after them.  Now I'm divorced and a single mother of two teenagers, so I have to work two jobs to support the three of us.  I think pre-schoolers benefit enormously from having a SAHM, but as they get a little older it's good for the mother to be working part time - it helps take the burden off her partner and he also gets to experience exactly what it's like to look after kids on his own whilst she's out.

Answer 11

As a stay at home mom myself, I really see your wife's point. you need to think about what is the bigger priority... raising your children well, or having a little extra money. It's not a matter of her being lazy, raising kids every day is tough. some moms actually use work as a way to escape from it. And you know, daycare is insanely expensive. she would probably just be working to make enough to pay for that, maybe not even enough. you should be able to provide for your family, and if you currently can't do that you need to sit down and think about how to make that happen. I know it takes two people to keep a household running, but your wife is doing that by raising the children. I am in the same situation, my husband wanted me to go back to work 6 weeks after our baby was born, and I refused. I'm not leaving an infant in daycare, nor can we afford it. when you really think about it, the pros of her staying home definitely outweigh any financial hardship.  

Answer 12

There's a number of things that you can do. One, suggest finding a home day care provider, maybe a older woman to watch both children, and interview them. So your wife can go back to work. Or if she is not going back to work, cut some of the costs. No more shopping sprees, no more eating out, and let her know if you are going to take on all the bills, then she needs to handle all of the house work. include mowing the grass. You just need to talk to her, and let her know you are frustrated. That paying all of the bills is getting to you, and see what she says. Let her know you went over the budget and things have't to be cut unless she can find a way to bring in extra money...Or you can always get her to do one of those online stay at home mommy jobs.

Answer 13

I am pregnant with my first and see your point of view.  We have a business and I plan to continue being a part of it up to and after our son is born.  To expect my husband to shoulder the burden alone is unfair.  We have always had two incomes, and while I will work less after I have children, I will still work.  I would talk to your wife and let her know that you are frustrated and struggling to pay all the bills yourself and that you need her to start contributing financially.  If staying home is important to both of you, then she can look at selling on Ebay or making something at home that you are able to sell.  I have seen SAHM earning some extra $$ doing a variety of things.  They can babysit, teach swim lessons, bake cakes, go to yard sales and resell on Ebay and clean other peoples houses.  There are many things that she could be doing to bring in some extra cash.  Then you will feel like you have an equal partner.

Answer 14

as a stay at home mom i understand her point of view. how ever if money is tight there are ways to work with out putting your children in day care.first off how old are your children. if they are in school full time there is no reason she can't work part time while they are in school. this actually is what i am going to do as soon as my youngest is in Gr 1. Now if they are not in school here's a few things I have done while at home when money was tight.

Baby sit other kids, it's a good way to make some money and your kids have others to play with

data entry, you chose the hours, I used to get up an hour be fore my kids, do it when they were napping and a few hours after they went to be.

I have delivered those dreaded junk mail flyer's.

none of these make great money but every little bit helps take the pressure off you. there are many more things but she has to put in the effort and get inventive.

Answer 15

well, not to be mean, but my husband is our sole source of income  and we do fine, maybe  you just need a better paying job.  He thinks a mother should be home with the kids at least until they start school, and im inclined to agree. he busts his butt every day on an oil rig, and has to stay away from home all week, but we make it. you do what you have to do.

no need to be snippy (cem) nobody is making judgments here, ( not me anyhow) just telling you our opinions on the matter, i may not agree with everyone but im not going to bash the way they do things,  im not going to apologize for my husband making enough money to support the 4 of us, and no one else should either, sure everyones lucky to have a job, but it doesnt  hurt to shop around either. if youre kids are in day care that all fine and good...for YOU, not everyone wants to do it that way, but we did hash all that out before we got married,so it really wasnt an issue. he doesnt  WANT me working outside the home, i had a computer repair shop  up and running when we met, i gave it up because he asked me to as he didnt want me working outside the home, i told him as long as he makes enough for us to be comfortable id stay home and take care of everything there.  you act like theres something wrong with a man making enough money to support his family

Answer 16

While some people are SAHM’s and very successful doing so, they agreed as a COUPLE that this is what would happen and made sure finances wouldn’t be so seriously impacted that it affected the household.

I am not a SAHM because we cannot afford to have only one income. We’re already pinching pennies as it is now, clipping coupons, watching what we spend on groceries, it’s already bad enough for us at this moment, I can’t imagine having only one income.

I think honestly, that regardless of what you say or do, your wife won’t budge on this. And I wish I had better advice other than “talk to her” and see if you two can reach a compromise. Maybe suggest she work part time? At night? So she’s putting in some hours but still gets to stay home with the kids??

I wish you luck, I’m sure this will be an uphill battle for you!

**ADD**

And I’m NOT turning this into a debate about SAHM vs working mom vs daycare or none at all….I’m stating my opinion on the daycare my son attends. It’s very difficult to find a daycare and staff members that you are completely comfortable with. It’s a full time job just LOOKING for a daycare, interviewing people and surprising them with a random visit. It is time consuming but there ARE good daycares and staff out there to watch your child. I pay $165/wk for daycare no matter how many days my son attends. But I make significantly more than $165/wk along with added benefits and because we need the money at this time, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. However, my son has really done quite well since starting at this daycare. He has started talking more, has been more social with other kids, he’s learning numbers and counting and how to respond to other adults and children besides my husband and myself and our family. He actually kisses me goodbye and walks away with no worries when I drop him off and he cries when I pick him up each day because he wants to stay and play.

Again, this is NOT up for debate because this is my experience with MY daycare, but just wanted to add in that there are good daycares and bad daycares, you just have to do your research as a parent.

Answer 17

Not completely sure BUT I am very happy that you are trying to look at things in a different angle.

That can mean a lot right there.  

Answer 18

we have 1 income and 3 kids and manage well without anyone going without,We don't have holidays BUT that is actually because of us having pets and having no one who can pet sit. But we do manage day trips and over night visits..

The main reason i don't work is our daughter has a dissability and one of us needs to be available if she takes ill..

we are lucky in the fact that my husband makes enough to support us all.........

maybe your wife could work from home to provide extraincome,that way she does not need child care.or she could work part time while you are at home