2 poems, what is your opinion?

Question

Eyes of glass, skin of china, a fragile diamond in her heart.

Alone at a window, the gray of the sky reflects her soul

Behind closed eyes blooms a field of flowers, once so lovely in the sun.

They lie still now, ravaged by sorrow.

Fallen petals of faded colors carried away by the bitter wind piercing the silence.

A raindrop falls.

A crystal tear rolls down her cheek of porcelain.

A diamond heart has shattered.

#2

I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong

Nothing to tell to no one.

I'm holding back and I don't know why, what is there to be scared of?

I'm just one more person, no one cares if I'm there or not

so why not just live and be bold?

I'm lost in emotion, drowning in feelings that I can't explain

Head swirling, eyes crying; but not in a beautiful mysterious way.

No smeared mascara or soft locks of hair to shelter my hidden face

I'm barely there, I've escaped with my thoughts to a place where I'm alone.

A place where I'm loved and loving myself, a place where I'm beautiful.

No one to act for, always alone. but why?

I'll always be there for myself but who else? I cannot cry upon my own shoulder.

Answer 1

Wow, you're a great poet! I was very interested in your two awesome poems.

The first one was beautiful, especially because it involves a lot of very vivid imagery. The second poem was also very meaningful and had a very intense atmosphere. Nice job!

However, I'd advise you to use more descriptions in your first poem. Instead of a raindrop falls, how about you say a raindrop falls heavily?

For your second poem, I would advise you to end with a better conclusion. I think you should add one more line that repeats your introduction as your conclusion - I can't shake this feeling that something is wrong.

Answer 2

They're both obviously laments.

The first one captures the tragic cause and effect of a broken heart which has turned cold and empty. A Cold gray sky agrees with her personal sorrowful feelings, and precious memories recall when "splendor in the grass" was warm and beautiful. She is now left with the vanities of empty wealth and things, without any real love or warmth.

"If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house,

it would be utterly despised."  Song of Solomon  8: 7

The second reveals the loneliness of someone afraid to live and love, trapped in a world of fantasy that he/she controls. The person wants to get it together with real life, real pain, but for some reason is held in bondage to only trusting the "self." No one else can be trusted.

Both need someone who will help release them from their respective pain of two different kinds of loneliness.

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(edit addition): Both could also be the same person, or inanimate thing that has been imputed with feelings by a creator/poet. The same longing expressed in two different ways either by the creator, or emotions flowing from a real living soul. Either way I think the message is powerful and penetrating. Humans transverse a worldly vale of good and evil, happiness and sorrow; tears of joy, or tears of pain. Poetry and music helps to cleanse away the confusion, balm the sadness, and enhance our finest moments with jubilation.

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"Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden...for I am gentle and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest for your souls." Jesus

I'm not familiar with these poems, but I would personally give them high marks for content, cadence, and strength.

Answer 3

1 Colourful and yet melancholy.

I imagined one of those photographs where the scene is in black & white but the tear is a crystal blue against the painfully pocelain face.

Great work - descriptive - imaginitive.

#2 Again a great descriptive work of art. I love the last line describing the physical aloneness not being able to cry upon your own shoulder. Powerful words.

Please check mine out too...

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/?qi...

Answer 4

Love it!

Answer 5

They are both nice....

I like the second one. It was beautiful

U have a gift, so hopefully u will keep on posting poems for me(us) to read.

Answer 6

they are both good, I really like the second one more though.