21 month old <span title="redirection/guidance/discipline">redirection/guidance/disc...</span> question....HELP?

Question

My 21 month old daughter is starting to test limits. For example, she'll stand up on a kitchen chair and we'll say, "On your bum, please." She just smiles and looks at us. We usually give her three chances to do it before we take her down, but within about 5 minutes she's there standing on something else smiling that little smile again. Usually when we walk towards her to finally take her down the third time, she'll sit down. Daddy will let her stay on the chair and walk away and then she'll stand again. He's starting to understand that it has to be after three times, no matter what that she comes off. I am also wondering if there are any other methods I could try to stop this behaviour. It also occurs with other behaviors, toys, bath time, diapers, running away when asked to come here. I just need some ideas to try to get this to stop before she gets too old and out of control!

Answer 1

Three chances should only apply to when she can&#039;t hurt herself. If she&#039;s standing on a chair, she needs to get down immediately. Tell her, and if she doesn&#039;t move, grab her quickly and tell her firmly that it isn&#039;t allowed (Simple: &quot;No standing on chairs!&quot;). If she does it again, take her away from the chair and tell her no chairs. It may take a swat on the butt to get her to take you seriously...

Answer 2

3 chances is a bit too many chances.  You do need to give her a chance to listen and have good behavior, however, 3 is pushing it.  You should try time outs, like the following scenario.

She begins jumping on the couch.  You say to her &quot;You need to sit on your bum, please.&quot;  She just looks at you an smiles.  Then, you need to say to her &quot;If you do not sit on your bum, I&#039;m going to place you in a time out.  Last chace.&quot;  She may sit, and if she does, praise her by saying &quot;Good listening!&quot;  If she doesn&#039;t sit, walk over, pick her up, and place her in a time out for 1 1/2 minutes (1 minute per year of child&#039;s age.)

You need to have a designated time out spot.  Place her in it, and set a timer.  When the times goes off, she can get up.  Once she&#039;s done, you can explain to her that you placed her in time out for not listening, and that she needs to listen when grown ups ask her to do something.  Don&#039;t make a big deal of it, just explain in a couple sentences, and allow her to go play.

Sounds like you haven&#039;t used time outs before so I&#039;ll explain how to handle if she gets up.  IF she gets up before the timer goes off, pick her up and say &quot;You need to sit here until the times beeps, you are in time out&quot; and place her back in her time out spot.  The timer starts over each time she gets up.  If she gets up again, next time DO NOT say anything to her, just pick her up and place her back in her spot.  She seems like a good listener for the most part though so you shouldn&#039;t have this battle long.

Good luck! :)

Answer 3

You literally just described my daughter right there! My daughter is 22 months old and does the same things. She is entering her terrible twos.. they dont call them &quot;terrible twos&quot; for nothing.. just be patient with her, try not to lose ur cool, all she is doing is testing u to see what she will be able to get away with..

Answer 4

You&#039;re actually doing pretty well, but I would cut the number of &quot;chances&quot; to reinforce that you mean what you say the first time.  To give effective directives/commands, give one warning, wait 5-10 seconds for brain processing, give the command again, wait 5-10 seconds for processing, then act.  You want to give a warning and wait time for processing the information, but you don&#039;t necessarily want to give more than two &quot;chances&quot; for compliance- otherwise a toddlers&#039; mind has wandered from the command/consequence, and won&#039;t be able to connect one to the other.  Also, I like that you are telling her what you want her to do, instead of what you don&#039;t want her to do.  Saying, &quot;on your bum, please&quot; is much more effective than &quot;don&#039;t stand on your chair&quot;.  With toddlers, you want to make sure you are telling them the appropriate action TO do, so that they know what is expected of them.  &quot;Sit on your chair&quot; or &quot;walking feet&quot; is much more understandable to a toddler than &quot;stop doing that&quot; or &quot;no running&quot;.  So, make sure to state what you want her to do, rather than what you don&#039;t want her to do.  And, you want both you and her daddy to do the same thing, so that your toddler can&#039;t &quot;divide and conquer&quot; the two of you.  Agree on your method, and then stick to it.  If you decide she gets two warnings and then you act, make sure that both of you are doing that.  The best thing you can do with a toddler is be consistent.  Unfortunately for the parents, this takes a lot of work and effort to be continually consistent, but it pays off in the long run.  My daughters (ages 9 and 4) have been receiving the same technique since they were toddlers, and they are two of the most polite, well-behaved children you have ever met.  Why?  We put in the effort early on, and now, they hardly ever have to be corrected.  I don&#039;t worry about how they will act at school, or how they will act in a restaurant, grocery store, or at someone&#039;s house, because they know that mom and dad will follow through with consequences of inappropriate behavior.  And, I am not talking spankings.... my children have received fewer than 5 spankings in their lifetimes- those are reserved for ultra-dangerous or emergency situations (such as running in the street).  Toddlers can test you... but the answer is not a swat everytime they defy you.  As a preschool teacher for over 15 years, I have had to learn other methods of modifying children&#039;s behaviors (because parents don&#039;t like it if you are spanking their child).  Stating what you want from a child&#039;s behavior, as well as using timers, warnings, and &quot;frontloading&quot; (telling a child what to expect beforehand) are all you really need aside from being consistent.  Consistency is the hardest part... you get tired telling a child over and over that they may not stand on the chair- but it takes an average of 21 trials to create a new habit, so keep at it.  If you respond exactly the same way for 21 times, chances are that your toddler is going to get the idea that, &quot;hmmm... I guess mom really means it when she says to get down off the chair&quot;, and the behavior will stop.  To be forewarned, the behavior will increase for a short burst before it stops.  A child will test to see if they up the intensity (such as with a tantrum- they will go from carrying on for 10 minutes to crying for half an hour, to see if you will cave).  The important part is NOT to cave in, because then you have just started a vicious cycle, where she will test even longer the next time to see if she can get you to cave in.  Be consistent every time, and you won&#039;t get the extensive limit testing.  Stop behaviors you don&#039;t want to encourage by giving effective commands, and acting immediately to ensure compliance and understanding.  Breaking bad habits takes WAY longer than stopping them in the first place... so put in the effort now to stop it before it starts, and you will have a daughter you will be proud to take in public.  Keep up the good work!

For more information on behavior management, you can check out this website that many behavior specialists use:

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel

This website has a special section for parents, and it includes instructional modules that describe the reasons behind behavior, as well as things to do to modify it.