28 weeks pregnant and considering adoption...advice please!!?

Question

im am 19 years old and 28 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child.i already have 2 other children which i cope with very well.

i have been with my partner for 3 and half years.we both have talke and think it will be best to have this baby adopted,i had post natal depression with my 2nd child social services involved with my 1st due to being 15 at the time and we dont think we will cope as he works away mon to fri so il be on my own.i havent as yet spoke to anyone about this as im so scared.

i havent a clue which way to go but some of me does think it will be best to give this baby a better chance in life.

does anybody have any advice and not nasty comments as this is serious and i havent much time,anything would be greatly recieved.

Answer 1

Adoption is a wonderful thing.  You could give a loving couple one of the best gifts one person could ever give another...a child.

I was adopted and think my birth mother was courageous, generous and strong for giving me up to have a better life than what she could provide at that time.

You could still experience post partum depression, but your doctor should know your history and watch for signs.

Anybody who says you're being selfish for wanting to give this child up is STUPID!  If you cannot give this child what he/she needs, then give him/her a better chance by giving him/her up to someone who can give them a better life.

Anyone who gives you a hard time about getting pregnant when you didn't think you could even have another baby is IGNORANT and JUDGMENTAL and should be given the thumbs down or reported for being an IDIOT!  You have to do what is best for the child.  If you cannot provide, give someone else the ability to raise him/her.

Answer 2

My advice is think wisely, you don't want to make a decision you'll regret.

Do not be pressured by others opinions.

Ask your doctor to point you in the direction of someone professional, so that you can discuss this decision.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I would say that this may be the best option for you.  I think that giving your child the best life you can is your duty as a parent.  If that life isn't with you, then do what you can to improve that life through adoption.  I think that if you don't believe you can cope well, then you probably won't.  Go talk to your doctor, he/she can refer you to an adoption agency where you can discuss all the details and make your choice.  You need more info before really deciding, go out there and get it.  I am so happy to see parents who really care about their kids.  I have been there, a little bit.  I had my first right after my 18th birthday and my second at 20.  My husband was in Iraq (i got pregnant on his 2 week leave) and had to deal with the whole pregnancy alone.  It's very hard, and even harder to handle a newborn, alone most of the time, with other children demanding so much of you.

Answer 4

I think that deep in your heart, you already know the answer.  You need to do what is best for you and your baby.  I can only imagine how hard it would be to give a child to another loving family.  If you do decide that adoption is the best answer, know that the family you are giving your child to can appreciate the gift that you are allowing them to experience.  That the child will be in a loving home and will have what you desire for it.  If you decide to keep the baby, know what challenges are ahead of you and do your best to overcome them.  Do your homework, ask questions and do what is right for you and your family.  Don't let random strangers on the internet sway your decision.  This is a choice only you can make.  Good luck!!

Answer 5

if adoption is going to give this baby a better life than what you can provide than by all means look into it.  There are so many services out there that can help you, you can even do an open adoption, were you can know that you can know how the baby is doing.  It takes a strong person to do the best thing for their child and not be selfish.  But dont let someone talk you into this desicion either, b/c you may regret it later in life if this was not totaly your choice.

Answer 6

As a sister-in-law to a man who was adopted. Go with your heart. My brother-in-law's biological mother had emotional problems and didn't think she could raise him. She walked into a lawyer's office and my mother-in-law was working there. She had struggled for years with infertility and she offered to adopt him then and there. 2 weeks later when he was born she got to bring him home. The family showered with him love and affection and when people talk about when he was adopted you would think everyone "had" him.

Giving away your babies as someone rudely commented is a serious and hard decision. You can have open adoption and keep up with the child as he/her grows. Good luck in any decision you make.

Answer 7

Just take a moment and breathe.

People will tell you that adoption is a gift, that your baby would be a wonderful gift to someone else who cannot have a child of their own.  Maybe so, but you know, so what?

Do you think that your baby, growing inside of you right now, is hoping and wishing to be given away to somebody else?  

Is it fair to think that any child wants to be a gift, and give up her own mother, father, and siblings?

I was adopted, and I sure don't appreciate it.

It sounds like you can handle this.  Maybe things will be a little tight, but there are programs available to help you, I would recommend checking out any form of assistance you can get to help you through.

Just think...in 5 short years, all 3 will be in school and then what?  You'll be feeling pretty lonely from 8 till 3 when the big yellow bus finally brings their bright, smiling faces home.  

I know it's scary, I know it's hard, but kids grow up so fast, and babies get easier and easier to take care of as they grow.  After a year, they are toddlers...2 years, they are walking, talking, no more diapers.

The hardest part is so, so temporary...but giving your precious baby up for adoption is, sadly, forever.  Not even reunion can bring back the lost years.

I should know; I reunited with my mother when I was 23, but her grief and guilt from giving me up has caused her to shut down and she hasn't been able to speak to me in over 10 years.

Adoption is painful for the mother, it is a life-sentence for both of us.  Just really, really think about that.

And open adoptions?  Remember, they are not legally enforceable.  All too often the adopters cut off all contact because of insecurity, jealousy, whatever.  You have NO rights, no legal recourse.  It's a real gamble if you think you might still get to have a part of your child in your life through open adoption.

Answer 8

My daughter is adopted and I am eternally grateful to her birthmom. Her bmom was 22 and a single mom already - and I know she wanted the best for her children. I can appreciate your position. If you decide on adoption you can choose the family for your child, as well as decide if you want any ongoing contact.

If you get in touch with an adoption agency they should be able to provide you with some help. A reputable agency won't try to "talk you into it" because they don't want to match you with a couple only to have it fall through (nothing is final until after the birth when you decide if you want to sign the papers). We used Adoption Connection (adoptionconnection.org) in San Francisco. Another good agency is Independent Adoption Center (adoptionhelp.org) which has several locations across the country. I would look for an agency that supports open adoption - because that will give you the most say in the process.

Adoption is a wonderful option, and I hope you will serious consider it. Everyday I am thankful that my husband and I were fortunate enough to become parents this way.

Answer 9

GOod luck explaining to #3 why his mum and dad didn't love him enough like the other two.

Answer 10

First I want to commend you for being able to even consider options that are painful to even think about. I placed my son in a fully open adoption 6 years ago. I can't imagine already having 2 children, and then thinking about this.

I will say I went through an agency that does only open adoptions. During my pregnancy I head a testimony from a 9 year old girl and her adoptive family. She was placed for adoption under similar circumstances.

She talked openly about her brothers and sisters. Her siblings were not part of her adoptive family, but her birth family. Through the open adoption she was able to be a part of both. Not to say she had two moms or dads. She had a bmother and a bfather, and a Mom and Dad (her adoptive parents).

I don't regret my decision. I regret that the circumstances were not different at the time. I have a wonderful relationship with my son, and I have a wonderful relationship with his parents. He does know I am his bmom, and that he grew in my tummy.

You have some very hard decisions to make. There will be a lot of intense emotions along this long road. I wish I could make it easier on you by telling you what the right answer is. Adoption is not easy, but for some it is the right choice.

If I can answer any questions you might have now or in the future please feel free to contact me.

Answer 11

I think for someone that is 19, although making a couple of mistakes at a young age, you sound very mature, and I think adoption is a great idea.  If if weren't for people like you, the couples that are dying for children and cannot have them, would never have a chance.  There is a couple out there that will be so happy when they can adopt a child because they cannot have one.  I say go for it.  Just make sure it's what you really want to do.

Answer 12

It's very courageous of you to consider making an adoption plan. I would definitely encourage you to find a pregnancy crisis center (many are christian) near you that can objectively help you with your decision.  Although they are not an adoption agency, they can refer you to one and also counsel you and hold your hand the whole way through the process as well as provide support after the birth/adoption.

Answer 13

Well it's obviously too late to have an abortion, what a pity.

Now you really only have one option, raise your child.

Abandoning your child is tantamount to child abuse. Some ignorant folks like to pretty it up and call it "making an adoption plan", but it is abandonment make no mistake about it.

You signed up to be a mother. Now do your job.

It is not the child's fault that you were irresponsible. Don't make your child pay for your lack of planning.

After the kid is born it might behoove you to get your tubes tied.

Answer 14

No judgment here, but please stop and ask yourself what another couple can give your child that you cannot. You can give your child the most precious thing in the world, something NO ONE else in the world can give him/her...you. You are the one with the familiar smell and voice and whose heartbeat he/she has memorized. You are the one who will be able to provide colostrum to nurse your baby and keep it healthy and strong. When your baby is away from you, YOU are the one it will cry for until it is safe inside your arms.

Don't worry about other couples and their feelings, not to be rude, but you need to concentrate on your child's feelings and needs and your feelings and needs (and the babys father also).

Please read the blogs of some first mothers out there and see what relinquishment has done to them. They were once called heroes, saints, the givers of such joy...they were told they would get over it, that they would be happy knowing they gave their child a better life...but I know mothers in their 60s+ who are still crying and grieving over the loss of their children. So many of them gave up their chance to parent their beautiful children over such temporary and trivial things only to realize too late that they could've given their child all they needed. Go to http://www.origins-usa.org and talk to some of these women, listen to their stories. Then go read some blogs by adult adoptees and listen to what the separation from their mothers has done to them. Look out how our rights are stripped from us and how we mourn the loss of our original families. Not all first mothers and adoptees feel the same, but many do and thats worth taking into consideration especially when you factor in that many of us adoptees who grieve were once the happy grateful adoptee too.

What you need is -support-, not losing your child. I had PPD with my first too and I know how scary it is. But you can get medication to help you through that. Its temporary, but losing your child is permanent. Please don't do anything you will regret, not because you think your child needs expensive clothes and swimming pools, not because you think someone else deserves your child more, and not because you think you can't be as good a parent to a 3rd child as you are to your first two. You CAN get through this, just believe in yourself. You can find a LOT of support at the link I provided earlier to Origins USA. Please contact them. You won't regret it.

Answer 15

You are wanting to give this baby up for adoption you say.  Well if you think that another couple could give your child a better home than what you can, than I think that you are being very brave.  I mean to already have 2 children, you already know what it is like to be a mum, so therefore you already know what you would be sacraficing.  It is a dicey situation, because I would be worried about what the child would say about why you kept your first 2, and then adopted out your 3rd..  I'm just worried that your child would have an issue with this when it was old enough to understand.   But in all honesty,  I think that an open adoption is the only way to go.

Because I believe that you have the best of both worlds.

You've given your child the best that you can offer, and at the same time, you are still able to see them grow up, to a certain degree anyway.  

I'm talking from personal experience here, as I adopted out my baby when I was 18, and it turned out to be an open adoption, which I think are the best.

But really, you and your partner need to do what is the best thing for you.  As you mentioned, you are the one left with the children, so you don't need to have any more on your plate than you can handle.  As for those peole who are condeming you for your decision, well they havn't walked in your shoes, and until they have walked in your shoes, they don't even know what they are talking about.

Just follow your gut instincts, and I would suggest that you even pray about it, as the almighty God knows the best thing for everyone concerned.

Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 16

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this difficult time.  I would talk to someone you trust in your family, or someone else you think can give you an unbias opinion that knows you personally.  If you know in your heart that there is no way you can possibly raise this baby in the way you see fit, then call adoption agencies or if you know someone personally that longs for a child ask them if they would consider adopting your baby.  I, for one, would be thrilled if someone approached me to adopt their unborn child so you probably would make their day.  But you have to really think long and hard about this, it's a very personal and frightening decision.  Children are alot of work and sometimes we all feel like we reached our limits, but you can try open adoption if you still want contact of some sort.  If you want no contact then a closed adoption is for you.  There are adoption agencies you can call in your area I am sure.  If you want help getting ahold of anyone feel free to email me as well.  sabre118 at hotmail.com

Answer 17

((Hugs))

You know... I just don't have the energy in me tonight to give you a proper reply, so first, I apologize.

All I can really say is... make sure it's something you literally NEED to do for your baby, before you do it.

It's too heartbreaking to go through, and the repercussions too far-reaching, if it's not absolutely 100% necessary.

Answer 18

Please talk to a counselor at social services or your family or a close friend -- someone who knows you.

As Tish said asking for advice from complete strangers on YA is only going to get you biased answers.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 19

im 19 and i dont have any kids, but honey i dont see how you could let someone else have one of your babys, shes part of you. think about the long term yes maybe someone else could get her more attention and buy her nice things because they have more money, yes you have 2 kids, but in 5 years from now are you going to wonder where she is and if shes okay and are you going to tell me that part of you wont feel like you missed out on her and you will wish you would have gave her a chance. It might be hard but what if when she grows up she thinks i wonder why my mom didnt want me? shes not going to know why you gave her up. just that you did. you really need to talk long and hard about it before you decide what you are going to do. But im really very happy that you are going to let her be born into this world even tho its not a nice one sometimes.. your doing good so far. and im not all into the god stuff real big lol but may god bless you and help you along with whatever you do.  

ps i would like to know what you do decide so if you could let me know.. ill back u up either way but you should really think about keeping her... listen to your heart.....

Answer 20

i think it is harder for someone to decide to give their child up for adoption than to keep it. it's hard. you just want to do what is best for the baby. you do what you think is right. do not listen to all the people that think you are being selfish and only thinking about yourself. it's not like you want to give them child up because you want to party, you think that adoption might be it's best chances for a great life. however, if i were you, i would only give the child up if there was no way that you can care for the child. giving a child up is not always a good situation and it's not always bad either. it's a chance. just like birth children. some of them have great lives and some of them don't. do what you want to do.

Answer 21

I'm glad you understand your limitations!  I commend you on making this hard decision.  The only advice I could give you is to talk it over with a counselor.  You may have some serious doubts and bouts with depression after the adoption.  See if there are any support groups in your area.  The more emotional help you have with this the better

Answer 22

ok if you give up this baby, you're crazy. you have two other babys why can't you take care of one little young kid . it's gonna hart you for life. trust me. it did to meeee and it's still now

Answer 23

If you need help, please go to a professional who can help you explore all the issues, and support the decision you make.  If you need a referral, please write me and I will make sure you have ethical and caring counseling.

Answer 24

You are mature and selfless to be thinking about the best interests of the baby.  If you think adoption is best, then you are probably right.  YOu are the only one that knows your circumstances fully and you are the one that will have to live with the consequences of your choice, whatever that choice ends up to be.  

There are so many loving couples who want children and can't have them that would love to adopt your baby.  For more info and an 800# you can call for free to talk to someone who can help you explore the possibility of adoption without pressuring you into anything, visit www.itsaboutlove.org.  THere are also profiles of potential adoptive parents on the site so you can look around and get an idea of what kind of couples are out there waiting.  THere is help and where there's help there's hope!  

Thank you for being so selfless and trying to do what's best for your baby.  May God bless you and help you through this difficult and scary time!

Answer 25

My husband and I can't have children (well, it's me.. I had ovarian cancer).. we would love to have a child in our lives.. but we haven't had an opportunity and we didn't want to foster care because I get too attached.  We also know many couples that can't have children that would welcome a child and give the child a wonderful life.

Seriously, we would love to adopt... I'm sure you have heard from others like us... email me and I can give you more information.. we've done lots of research.

Answer 26

Nothing is wrong with what your thinking about.

Answer 27

Don't pay any attention to people saying nasty things here- the fact is that the baby is here, it is going to be born and looking at what you should have or could have done is useless. That said- people who give up their babies for adoption are truly selfless. I admire someone who can put the child before themselves and realize that they could give the child a better life with someone else. I have seen a lot of people keep children they didn't really want and it has not been good. (I'm a nurse on a pediatric floor at the hospital). I was adopted and it was definitely the best thing my mom could have done for me. I am 33 years old and my biological dad is still drug-addicted and an alcoholic. My adopted dad is awesome. You do what you feel is best. It is a really serious decision, so you need to be sure. My best friend and her husband could not have kids and they adopted their daughter 2 years ago and she is the light of their lives. They are trying to adopt again. There are a lot of people like them out there. Best wishes to you- this is going to be a difficult decision.

Answer 28

i can only say that the decision you face is not one that's going to be resolved on Y! A.  

i strongly advise you to speak to a counselor at your department of social services.  quite honestly, what you will find on this board is mostly biased information and people looking to adopt your baby.

i wish you well...

Answer 29

I think ADOPTION is the most loving thing you can do for your baby....to give a child a chance at life and a stable home is commendable.  I would like for you to really look closely at an open adoption this way you can even visit (if you decide to) but at least you will get updated often about your baby, your child will not be a child forever and will no doubt one day want to meet you...and his/her siblings...I want you to know that I helped a 17 year old get her son adopted when he was 6 weeks, she struggled and he got RSV and almost died, we found an amazing family through Catholic Family Services, they have to be thoroughly screened and do a home study etc. AND even then they are monitored with a case worker, she sees the boy (he is 2 now) 1 a year and gets updates monthly, the adoptive parents made a scrapbook for him telling about his "special birth mom" it has letters from her and her sonos etc. HE will KNOW she LOVED him ENOUGH to LET him GO....I will support whatever you do, atleast you didn't abort your baby.....

Answer 30

it's totally up to you

i am also 28 weeks pregnant and putting my baby up for adoption. although i am 17

if you wanted to talk to anybody about it...

Answer 31

my mom did thiat...she had my sister with one guy,they are still friends then had another daughter with some stupid guy who ,after my second sister was born raped her,so she got pregnant and gave my brother up for adoption, then the stupid guy raped her again so she had a daughter and gave her up top the same people she gave my brother.then she finally got away from him and now he is in jail. She did what she thought was best and the two of them understand why she did it. so now I have a really awesome family.....I am 13,and I have three sisters Drea(30), whose dad is a good family friend and my sister who my mom had before the guy went crazy is 28 then the two that my mom gave up because she didnt want two more of her kids being abused by the dummy and they are Brandon (22) and Alexandria(20, we call her Ali) and then when my mom got away from the guy she met my dad and had me...I am 14. Adoption is really good if you dont want to have the kid growing up in a bad household, or something like that....so yeah...thats my story...... good luck!