2nd part of Question Should I call off the engagement?

Question

I have spoken with my girls and the reason they don't want to live with me or my fiance is because he is older than me, and he isn't as active as their daddy and they want me and my ex to get back together..although I know that is typical for children to want their parents back together but this is really becoming a heart ache for me.. and of course my fiance doesn't say a word. He doesn't discipline them or get on to them in fact all he does is spoil them... but they are totally against us getting married... and if I decided to call of the engagement what in the world would I say to him that wouldn't just devastate him... because although I am happy with him and I love him... my heart still loves my ex after-all we have loved each other since we were 13 years old and well that has been 20 years..... I am totally confused and I know I may have jumped into an engagement but I do care for him and all actually reality ....... I don't know what I am doing.... I am just confused but yet happy with the fiance... I do know that my ex is upset that I am engaged and thought that after he was through "catting" around that we could work things out and get back together... I am a mess........

Answer 1

Honestly I would break off the engagement.  I'm sorry i know you aren't supposed to let your kids run your life but at least give them time to adjust.  Plus it sounds like you still need some healing yourself...  Just date your fiance for a while.  Tell him that you still care for and love him dearly, but you have to give your children some time to get used to your relationship before you take things to the next level.  Take it slow.

Answer 2

You are not ready to comitt to anyone at this time.

You also need to tell your girls that their step father betrayed your trust in him..it is not nessesary for you to elaborate on how altho when they both reach the age of 18 you can go ahead and tell them he had affairs with other women(cheated). Tell them because of that you can never trust him again as far as a married relationship therefore the marriage is over.....two adults cannot be married when there is no trust

Tell them it will not affect how much time they spend with him but if their real dad hears they are living with their step dad he will cause a lot of legal problems for everyone so until they turn 18 and can choose to live wherever they want to, the best thing to do is for them to live with you.

Also, point out that you have a right to be happy, and if it's with your fiance and not their step dad, or even some one else in future that is your right....one day they will be able to chose who they wish to marry and then they will understand. Imagine if they pick someone to be their husband and you tell them no they can't because you don;t like him...think of how they would feel if it was because you wanted them back with an old boyfriend so YOU would be happy, not them. It's the same thing. Time to grow up and learn to put some one else's feelings before their own..it can;t always be what they want all the time, even tho they are the kids.

As far as the ex being upset, that is HIS problem, not yours....thinking you would wait until he finishes 'catting around' is extremely selfish on his part....tell him he made his choices and he has to live by them...if he has the right to 'cat around' then you have the right to end the relationship and find happiness with another.

Talk to you fiance.....tell him you need some time. Ask if he'll consider a year's engagement before you two make the 'leap'...tell him the problems with the girls-not the ex quite frankly dear he doesn;t deserve consideration here. he did care how you felt when he was being adulterous and he's still putting himself first (will always). Make the time he spends around the girls casual & low key...don;t push or throw him at them....eventualy if the guy is a good man they will see how happy you are...and if need be if the girls don't meet you partway in this, you may have to tell them your ex cheated on you with other women and you cannot stay married to man who cheats..if the girls get that stubborn about it they will have no choice but to be told the truth. It will hurt, but so does Life at times.

Answer 3

First of all, don't be a mess!!! =) Everything works itself out. I think you rushed into this trying to fill a void in your life when you and your ex broke things off. Your daughters are old enough now to see things that maybe you can't or aren't seeing. I don't think anyone can tell you if you should break off the engagement. It's all about why your daughters are telling you that they don't want to live with you two anymore. Could it be that your ex is putting things in their heads about your 'fiancee'? Or that there's something that they're not telling you about your 'fiancee'? There are a lot of questions that need to be answered by your daughters and by you. As a mother, I'll tell you that I would be a mess also, because we live for our children, but this is something that needs to get straightened out and no one can tell you how except you. Remember...everything happens for a reason and you're feeling this way for a reason...I hope everything works out...

Answer 4

your not ready to get married or be engaged you need to take some me time and figure out who you are before you start up another relationship

Answer 5

Please get some counseling before you commit to marriage.  You need to talk to a professional about your feelings so that you can be sure that you are ready to take such a large step.  This marriage will affect your children and you should be well equipped to handle this step emotionally so that it will be a positive impact on your family.  The very fact that your ex is "catting around" has wrecked your emotions and you might never to be able to forgive him.  Don't do anything until you are more grounded and know for sure what you want.

Answer 6

Take  a deep breath.

The girl's reasoning doesn't hold much water.  The real issue is that they want you & your ex back together...which is normal.  But it's not their decision.  And you say that you still love this man?  Do you r-e-a-l-l-y?  And if so, why are you marrying someone else?

Are you afraid you're going to be alone?  That will cause you to rush into something you aren't ready for.  (Red Flag).

I would say that this current relationship is a 'rebound' of sorts and though you may truly love this man....well, it's not quite the healthy relationship it should be.  

You say that he doesn't say anything or discipline the girls?  Not that they would listen to him  :)  but he should have some sort of opinion on how they should behave as young ladies.  He's trying to buy their affection through spoiling.  That isn't the way it's done.  Being a parent is not a popularity contest.  He may be just interested in you and not being a step father.  Once that ring's on your finger.......  (Red Flag).

You think this man will be devastated if you call off the engagement?  He may be hurt, but any person with half a brain would understand that you have everyone's  best interest at heart, especially your children's.  At least discuss the possibility of taking things MUCH slower.

You are recently divorced.  (Red Flag)  You need to heal from that.  Take time to grieve that lost relationship.

And you ARE confused (Red Flag) but you know this.  You need to step back and get your wits about you.  Take some time for yourself.  Head to a park alone or go away for a weekend, if finances allow, so that you can sort this out without the influence that's around you.

And if you need to talk with someone, there are good free counseling agencies in your town.

Answer 7

you have to chose between your children or him i think you children is thinking positively

Answer 8

I read your other question and honestly it sounds like you are very confused and lost right now. It's not the time for you to be engaged. I think you need to take sometime to focus on yourself and not on another man.

While I don't believe that the children should run your life or tell you who they do/do not want you to date they are both going through a difficult and hard stage in life. Remember being 15 & 12? Kind of awkward years - at least it was for me. I think now is the time to focus on yourself as well as your children. It's critical years for them.

You don't have to break off the engagement, but why don't you downplay it for a while? Besides that, you just got divorced - I don't think now is the time to jump back into another marriage even though you care about him.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this - but take some time to devote to yourself and your children as well. Honestly, it would be hard for me to see my mom devote herself to another man so quickly when I was that age...or even now. Don't jump into anything - and maybe consider getting some therapy. Sometimes we all need a little help to work through things and figure out who we are.  

Answer 9

In my opinion:

1) Your children should have less importance in your decision the older they are. You should pull them aside and explain to them that your decision is important to your happiness and well being. Obviously if you feel that they are too young to accept that, you may have to either hold off the engagement until they are ready or choose your alternative.

2) More importantly it seems like you are unsure of the decision. Your life partner should be the one you can see yourself with living happily. If your family loves you and that includes your children, ex-husband, and your now finance they should accept that and support you through that decision.

Best of luck

Answer 10

Sounds to me like you need some time to just work on yourself. if you are confused about your feelings getting married again is not a good idea. Why can't you just be single for awhile? If you are scared to be alone you need to work on that.

Waiting for a man who cheated on you to come back around, that's just sad. You need to work on your self esteem. Why on earth would you be willing to put up with that? That isn't love, thats co dependancy. Do you want to be the one he settles for when he is done playing with other women? Do you really want to show your daughters that being a door mat is okay?

As for your kids, divorce is hard but you have to do what is best for you. If you find happiness you are the adult and have every right to pursue it. No one should invite a string of boyfriends to meet their kids but if you have ONE special someone go for it. Either that or stay single until your kids are grown and date after.

You may want to seek out a counselor to sort out your concerns, you could be setting yourself up for some new problems down the road.  

Answer 11

You need to figure out whom your are. Go to conseling and get some help. My dad when he was getting married the second time I told him I didn't want him to do this and that. His concselour said "It's NOT up to your kids what you do and don't do before and after your wedding. You don't ask your kids permission."