2nd part to my last post on sending adopted kids back?

Question

I have given these kids everything. They lack nothing, not even the love from me but they still like to make my life miserable. There has been countless arguments w/my husband over them which ppl think Im stupid for standing up to my husband over them.They HAVE received yrs of therapy and I think even their own phyciatrist is getting frustrated b/c every med he prescribes,they become immune to after a few weeks.When they become upset,usually b/c they are not given their ways,they destroy everything in sight.I have a son with epilepsy(also adopted)and everytime they throw a fit and hes around,they hit him on the head so he can have seizures b/c they know it rages me.Also,if I p**s them off in the AM before school,they will go to school and make stuff up to get me in trouble(something they learned from the system).They will pretend like I beat them or something!I know them better than anyone and ppl act like they are crazy but I call them brats b/c I know thats exactly what they are...

Answer 1

If you really detest them that much then you should send them back. I think it's really sad that you hate them now... and yes that is what it is. You say it like they are like goods you could easily take back... not at all like humans.

Answer 2

I can certainly understand that you are at the end of your road!  Welcome to the life these kids live everyday!

Why do you think they were in the system to begin with?  Because they had been treated with love, kindness and gentleness, and had had a stable, appropriate, predictable life with a mom and dad who cherished them?  NO.  Their life was a living h**l, and still is.

I think this intense anger is towards yourself.  For making a decision you should not have made.  But this is NOT these children's faults.   Yes, unfortunately, there are children in the system who can never live a "normal" life because of what they have been through, and their resulting emotional problems.  Many older children.  NOT ALL!  

But why on earth would you come here and bash all adoption because of YOUR mistake?  There are bio kids being parented who are out of control and have major behavior problems by the droves.  So does that mean that no one should ever have a child?  You have to accept responsibility for your decision and stop blaming these kids!  And stop calling them names!  It is no wonder they are acting out -- they know how you really feel towards them.  And it took you 4 1/2 years to realize this???  I do feel bad for what you and they are going through.  But for an adult to blame a child for their illness is just shameful.

Answer 3

I am so sorry to hear this. You know what? Dont listen to these ppl b/c I can promise you that 90% dont know what these foster kids are like! I do.....and I will never again take these ungrateful little sh*ts into my home to destroy my family EVER again!! Ppl blame it on parenting but Id like to see them try so these d**n kids can spit in their face and make them look stupid! Sweetie dont worry about all those ignorant ppl who dont know sh*t! You send them back and yes,WHERE THEY BELONG! Start rebuilding your family and your "normal" kids back to the way it was before these other ones came and disrupted everything....God bless,you tried!!!

Answer 4

Ok, I've read both your questions very carefully, and I also read a couple of answers you gave from your profile (just to get a better understanding of your whole situation).

It really sounds like your entire family has got some issues going on.  You sound like you have gone beyond breaking point, and your children (bio and adopted) are picking up on your feelings.

You say your adopted children have had counselling.  What about the rest of your family?  It sounds like you have all been through a huge adjustment and stressful time, and none of you have adapted and coped very well.

I'm not critising you, sometimes you just need to take a step back and see it from a different perspective.  It sounds as if you've made all the right gestures with these children, but what are they seeing from your attitude?  Can you be absolutely sure that they are not aware of your true feelings for them?

In your first question, I read your comment about your 10 year old 'causing' your miscarriage.  Firstly, I am inclined to think it was more stress than the particular child, and secondly, was it really wise to have another child with the problems you're currently having?

It really sounds like you have NEVER bonded with these children, and I am frankly concerned for their safety.  I would urge you to get some help for yourself as well as them before you snap and do something serious.

I honestly wish you the best of luck, but I won't buy into your view that these children are 'brats'.  I know children like this, and what these children are is disturbed, and you are not helping.

Answer 5

Before sending them back to the system, perhaps you need to have them evaluated at a physc hospital?  I know it has to be stressful.  I have a biological daughter who suffered two strokes at 15 months old, and has severe emotional and mood disorders.  Of course I can't throw her into the system, she is my child.  But I understand your stress.  

After investing 4 years with these kids, I think the damage of being put back into the system might destroy them.  And perhaps hearing your husband and you argue about their status is too much for them and they are acting out.  You may love them, but having that threat doesn't make them feel loved, and striking out is a natural reaction, especially to kids with these problems.  Talk to your social worker, explain you are at your wits end, and ask for help.  Maybe there is a way to work it out.  As far as meds go, I completely understand the frustration.  Sometimes it is trial and error, and perhaps finding a more specialized doctor that has dealt with these problems more than your current one.  With my kid, she doesn't have a "chemical" imbalance, she has dead brain tissue, so medication is very hard.  The best thing we've found is Trazadone, because it helps her sleep at night, and it is a mild anti anxiety med.  Otherwise whe would stay up for 4 or 5 days at a time, and you can imagine what that did to all of our tempers and control!

And it isn't the kids fault you tripped and miscarried trying to go after him, unless he stuck his foot out and tripped you.  Perhaps you also need to see a therapist to get past this and forgive him.   Sounds like you all have a long road ahead of you.  Best of luck, and I hope that you reach out and get the help that you all need to get through such a trying time.  People that can deal with kids like this are very special indeed

Answer 6

It sounds like you fostered them for a while before you adopted them.  As a foster parent who is looking to adopt, it seems that you made a poor decision.  I think it is unlikely that these children acted wonderfully before you adopted them.  One thing that I tell everyone who asks me about foster parenting is that YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE.  That is something you should have thought long and hard about before you decided to adopt these children.  You say that you love them (or at least loved them at some point.)  It doesn't sound that way.  I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds sort of like you wanted to "save" them so that everyone would think what a great person you are.

As I am sure you know, it is going to be very damaging to these children when you "send them back."  Obviously, these kids have been through a lot.  However, I have to admit that there are times when I have felt overwhelmed by some of the foster children living with me.  If I ever felt that they were not a good fit for my family, I would not have adopted them.  And the fact that you adopted them against your husband's wishes......not a good idea.  How are you going to support each other and take care of these children as a team when you did that.  It sounds like this whole thing was a bad decision on your part, not the childrens'!

I do have to agree with you on one thing.  These children do learn how to work the system.  I have experienced that as well.  Nothing major, but just little manipulations.  

This situation makes me sad.  I hope that the system does not fail them again by forcing them into a less than acceptable fit.  It seems that at least partly the social workers involved with the children are also at fault.

Answer 7

These children sound like they have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).  Love is not enough in this situation, and it often is the mother who is viewed as the "bad guy."  They need parents and professionals committed and able to get them the major interventions they need, which it is obvious they do not have.  You do need to disrupt this adoption, that is obvious.  But, please, make sure you find a family that is truly commited and able to get these kids what they need so that they don't go through ANOTHER failed placement.

Answer 8

dont praise them and dont give them love just keep being the psycho u are and u wont have to give them back u will have to sit in jail cause u couldnt handle a loving child that has been thrown away and u killed him or beat him to death.  grow up and drop these kids off at the police station and turn your self into the nearest mental hospital and soon u need some serious help...

Answer 9

apprehended hit the nail on the head, shes right, work on rebuilding your family, that is who God holds you responsible for. You cant fix the system, its too messed up, you tried, now its o.k. to say you cant do it anymore.

I want to adopt, but I will not let anything threaten my marriage of my other four children, so I would never do foster care. My neice fostered two teen girls, and it was a nightmare!

Some bad parenting and mostly the system screwed up these kids, and then you get dumped with these traumatized kids that need some healing. And some real disapline. disapline is gone, replaced by medication.

Even a dog deserves to be disaplined.

WHEN I QUITT HOMESCHOOLING, I FEALT LIKE A FAILURE, BUT SOMETIMES ITS OK TO SAY I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, ITS SMART THAT YOU KNOW YOUR LIMITS!

Think about kids in the olden days, they would have appreciated what you were trying to do for them, not today. You cant fix this, its bigger than you, GIVE IT TO GOD, move on and put your little family first.

Answer 10

What a mess!

What i cannot understand,is that you went ahead and adopted them!. the whole point of fostering prior to adoption is to make sure that the adoption is going to work.i can't believe you didn't have any doubts?. it takes a special person to adopt,and you just don't have the skills!.

those kids really need to be with parent's who have have the skill and understanding of the children.there has been a huge mistake made here,a big miss-match of combining the kids with your family.as for the Miscarriage.although i really feel for you,you could have fallen at any time.it was just bad luck the way it happened.i find this situation reall,really sad,because i am adopted myself,and it could have been me,shunted from home to home,getting more agressive and confused the older i got.luckily,i was only 5 months old when adopted.also,i have an adopted brother too.he was a very badly behaved teen.but this is mainly due to the fact that his birth mother did drugs when pregnant. but he paid for her mistakes,as this affected him,and he spent 4 yrs in Jail in his 20's.i beleive this was due to his mothers drug taking.

Please call the system NOW and have the kids removed.things will get worse day by day.they deserve to have a chance of happiness,and it isn't going to happen,it is too late. hopefully they will find a family who understands them,and the qualities to give them what they need.

I also feel these kids need a family who are not going to have biological kids,that way they can have 100% attention.

The adoption hasn't worked,and it is time to move on.

Answer 11

It sounds like they are acting out for some reason, maybe if you took the extra time and sit with them and talked calmly and rationally in a neutral peaceful place with little or no distractions you could find out just why they are acting out and giving you such a hard time. Children think and act allot different then adults so you must get on there level to really hear what they are trying to tell you. I am really sorry for your loss, but blaming the children will not make the pain go away and it will make your life allot harder to cope with on your part because nothing will make you happy again, for all you know there might have been something wrong with your pg in the first place and it would have ended early anyways , perhaps no one will ever know, your finding out what it really takes to be a mother, it is a leaning process and you can either except what you have learned and apply it or never be satisfied and possibly intentionally or not hurt the children with your raging, what if your pg went to full term and 10 years down the line he/she started acting out like the ones you have now, what would you do, you could not "send him/her back" I know you are hurting and you feel like no one cares, but there is those who does and you talking to us like you did just makes us not want to answer your questions, you came on here to US asking for answers to your dilemmas and concerns we did not come to you, just remember that.

Answer 12

you can not send them back they are not a piece of furniture you can return. you really should have thought about what these kids needed before signing the papers. its really sad to think that someone who took the time and effort to takes these kids and tryed to give them what they needed wants to throw them away like garbage my gawd grow up and take on your responsibilities that you agreed to.

Answer 13

You thought your love would get them through it!  You can't change someone if they don't want to change.  One, you should be in therapy with them!  Change their therapist and set some ground rules honey...you are the adult, they are not!  Sounds like you should have went to parenting classes with their bio mom and learned a few things!

Answer 14

Try sending your story to that super nanny. Maybe she can give you some parenting tips and calm them down. Good lcuk.

Answer 15

learn to discipline your children, don't spoil them!!!  And be more careful when you're pregnant, you're the one that fell down the stairs! You don't deserve to have children if you can't handle them after 4 1/2 years!!!