3 rd time made some more changes critique please!!?

Question

Computer's Lie of eye

Information

Small device

Light beckons me

Drawn, hypnotize

Now addicted

Machine my best friend

Comforter, release of burden

In Click of a switch

Push of a button

Engulfed, intrigued

Friend turned enemy

NO attention,

Weighed down neglected work

Nagging, pulling, exhausted

Energy surrendered

Demanding force

Something screems out

Light dims into nothingness

Answer 1

This poem is very creative.

I would have never thought of describing a computer in such a manner.

I liked it.

Answer 2

You're addicted to your computer time too?  I'm glad I'm not the only one :)  I do all of my story writing on mine.  Keep up the good work, Maltese.  Your writing is a key to the imagination, right?

Answer 3

"Hi!",

Sorry, I was meant to come back to you last night/ this morning. But I got to tired.

I think the first five lines are fine.

Line 6 needs revising,

maybe you can try..

Friend, my life, machine,

L7 also needs to be rephrased.

L8,L9,L10,L11,L12 are fine

L 13, I like but i think you either need to change it to make it flow or better still add another line would be better as L13 is really good.

and the rest of it, I'm not quite sure, but needs to be revised to make it flow more.

Information

Small device

Light beckons me

Drawn, hypnotize

Now addicted

Friend, my life, machine,

(Comforter, release of burden) - revise

In Click of a switch

Push of a button

Engulfed, intrigued

Friend turned enemy

NO attention,

Revise bellow to make it flow more. It dose not need to rhyme, It just needs to flow evenly.

Weighed down neglected work

Nagging, pulling, exhausted

Energy surrendered

Demanding force

Something screems out

Light dims into nothingness

This is only my suggestions and mind you I'm only an amateur poet.

My best advise is: follow neonman and Tod.

Than you can never go wrong.

Cheers : )

Answer 4

Hmmm... You are creating a time line of flashing events as you lose focus on all other things in your life while sitting in front of your greatest entertainment and source of knowledge... You see inside it as if every person you're in contact with were right there in the room with you. Your in love with a machine.  because you see it as a window to the world.... when you switch it off so do you switch off the world...

You don't see it as an addiction... you see it as a sanctuary.

Overall it's pretty good. I liked it.

later: I'd like to add you should not be discouraged if people don't get it... too often they read the words and don't see the person. To be really good at this your poetry will come from all things that are you.

Answer 5

Its a pretty good poem, but not at all my type. It seems like its missing some meaning.

Answer 6

when any one tries to describe technology or technical equipment s.a. a computer, monitor , MODEM etc, the whole thing 'd be described as hard as a disk , as flat as a disk, and as dry as a disk.. May be it shines a little like a compact disk (CD), but still hard, flat and dry. Like reading a catalog. But it was a nice try.