3 year old tantrums - positive tactics? HELP!!!?

Question

Someone warned me that it's not the terrible 2's its the terrible 3's. Our 3 yr old has gotten to be so disobedient & tantrumy. He throws fits whenever we tell him to do something - any little thing & he usually yells "no!" & wines on and on. This happens at home and in public - over anything. We enforce the rules & he has the option of doing what he is told or having a time out. He doesn't like time outs, so this usually works, but I get so tired of saying "you can (whatever I just told him to do) or have a time out. We are consistant & don't let him get away with things or rule the roost, but this seems like a never-ending testing phase he's going thru! Please tell me this DOES pass! What are some good positive reinforcement tactics that we can try?

Answer 1

It does pass!  I spend my days nannying 4 year old boy-girl twins and they were terrors when they were 3.  It's begining to settle now...or I'm fooling myself in to thinking that.  Have you read the book 1-2-3 Magic?  It's a great book that basically talks about giving a child 3 chances, then a time out or taking away a toy if time outs are not effective.  For example, he is using innappropriate words.  You tell him that's a 1, we don't say that and perhaps give him an alternate word.  He repeats the behavior, tell him that's 2 and if he continues to speak like that it will be a timeout.  He now hits you.  That's 3, he goes to a time out for 3 min (based on 1 min per year of age).  You ignore him and place him on time out spot again if he gets up.  If he is having a tantrum, ignore it as best you can or simply remove yourself or him from the room.  Time out starts when he cools off.

Something that works is a sticker chart.  Tell your son that for every day (or half day in the beginning) he goes with out a time out, he gets a sticker.  When he has X number of stickers he gets to do/go Y.  I think 10 is a fair number if you are using half days and then he could earn a trip to his favorite resturaunt, getting a special toy from a "treasure box" you fill with little toys.  Really anything that he likes to do.  That way, he is getting rewarded for good behavior.  Also, really focusing on when he is good, even if it's for 30 minutes, make sure you tell him you noticed.  When he whines, tell him that you can't understand his whining voice and when he can speak to you like a big boy, you will listen.  I would not give him the option of listening or getting a time out.  By not doing what you ask, he is making the choice for the time out.  I hope this makes sense.  He is testing you.  By being consistent, you are teaching him that there are consequences for his behaviors.  It sounds like you are doing a great job, keep it up!

Answer 2

There are lots of approaches and since each child is unique, what is effective with one, might not work so well with another.

You can try using a different approach "REDIRECTION"  when your son starts engaging in any sort of behavior that he sort of knows isn't allowed,  immediately intervene by saying something like,  " I was just about to plant some tomato seeds in this egg carton!  Want to come over here and give me a hand with it?  We will have to water them every day."

You get the idea.  " Hey Buddy, lets make some trail mix!"  or

"Story TIME.  How about finding a book and I'll read to you?"

And then another approach is to heavily praise and reinforce your son anytime his behavior is stellar and wonderful.  

While redirection is an effective technique if a child is just at loose ends and going in a bad direction-- it will not help if a child is engaging in a major sort of power battle with their parent.  So if the behavior is very persistent and very unacceptable, you will still need to utilize some negative sorts of stings, like time out.  

Some find the technique of a WARNING, before a time out helps

"Thats ONE.   THAT'S TWO,  ...  Okay then THREE MINUTES time out."

Then you discuss what you expect, in SIMPLE words, adding some loving, but firm summary like "  Let's try to behave better,  okay?  Everybody makes mistakes sometimes, but lets not do THAT again.  "

Answer 3

If you think back I am sure you will see that teen years are even worse lol.  Just stay consistant because the one time you go away from it is the time it will get worse, you actually have started getting a good handle on him which is great, most people giveup before it even starts to work.

Answer 4

A temper tantrum is an immature way of expressing anger. No matter how calm and gentle a parent you are, your child will probably throw some tantrums. Try to teach your child that temper tantrums don't work, that you don't change your mind because of them. By 3 years of age, you can begin to teach your child to verbalize his feelings ("You feel angry because...."). We need to teach children that anger is normal but that it must be channeled appropriately. By school age, temper tantrums should be rare. By adolescence, your teenager can be reminded that blowing up creates a bad impression and that counting to 10 can help him regain control. What should you do when your child has a tantrum?

Overall, praise your child when he controls his temper, verbally expresses his anger, and is cooperative. Be a good model by staying calm and not screaming or having adult tantrums. Avoid spanking because it suggests to your child that you are out of control. Try using the following responses to the different types of temper tantrums.

    *

Support and help children having frustration- or fatigue-related tantrums.

Children often have temper tantrums when they are frustrated with themselves. They may be frustrated because they can't put something together. Young children may be frustrated because their parents don't understand their speech. Older children may be frustrated with their inability to do their homework.

At these times your child needs encouragement and a parent who listens. Put an arm around him and say something that shows understanding such as "I know it's hard, but you'll get better at it. Is there something I can do to help you?" Also give praise for not giving up. Some of these tantrums can be prevented by steering your child away from tasks that he can't do well.

Children tend to have more temper tantrums when they are tired (for example, when they've missed a nap) because they are less able to cope with frustrating situations. At these times put your child to bed. Hunger can contribute to temper tantrums. If you suspect this, give your child a snack. Temper tantrums also increase during sickness.

Ignore attention-seeking or demanding-type tantrums.

Young children may throw temper tantrums to get their way. They may want to go with you rather than be left with the babysitter, want candy, want to empty a desk drawer, or want to go outside in bad weather. Tantrums for attention may include whining, crying, pounding or hitting the floor or door, slamming a door, or breath-holding. As long as your child stays in one place and is not too disruptive, you can leave him alone.

If you recognize that a certain event is going to push your child over the edge, try to shift his attention to something else. However, don't give in to your child's demands. During the temper tantrum, if his behaviour is harmless, ignore it completely. Once a tantrum has started, it rarely can be stopped. Move away, even to a different room; then your child no longer has an audience. Don't try to reason with your child. Simply state, "I can see you're very angry. I'll leave you alone until you cool off. Let me know if you want to talk." Let your child regain control. After the tantrum, be friendly and try to return things to normal. You can prevent some of these tantrums by saying "No" less often.

Physically move children having refusal-type or avoidance-type tantrums.

If your child refuses something unimportant (such as a snack or lying down in bed), let it go before a tantrum begins. However, if your child must do something important, such as go to bed or to day care, he should not be able to avoid it by having a tantrum.

Some of these tantrums can be prevented by giving your child a 5-minute warning instead of asking him suddenly to stop what he is doing. Once a tantrum has begun, let your child have the tantrum for 2 or 3 minutes. Try to put his displeasure into words: "You want to play some more, but it's bedtime." Then take him to the intended destination (for example, the bed), helping him as much as is needed (including carrying).

Use time-outs for disruptive-type tantrums.

Some temper tantrums are too disruptive or aggressive for parents to ignore. On such occasions send or take your child to his room for 2 to 5 minutes. Examples of disruptive behaviour include: clinging to you or following you around during the tantrum, hitting you, screaming or yelling for such a long time that it gets on your nerves, having a temper tantrum in a public place such as a restaurant or church (move your child to another place for his time-out), throwing something or damaging property during a temper tantrum.

Hold children having harmful or rage-type tantrums.

If your child is totally out of control and screaming wildly, consider holding him. His loss of control probably scares him. Also hold your child when he is having tantrums that carry a danger of self-injury (such as if he is violently throwing himself backward).

Take your child in your arms, tell him you know he is angry, and offer him your sense of control. Hold him until you feel his body start to relax. This usually takes 1 to 3 minutes. Then let him go. This comforting response is rarely needed after 3 years of age.

Some children won't want you to comfort them. Hold your child only if it helps. If your child says "Go away," do so. After the tantrum subsides, your child will often want to be held briefly. This is a good way to get him back into the family activities.