3-year-old won't listen or stay in time-out! Suggestions please!?

Question

My 3-year-old has recently been in this really bad attitude stage. He won't listen to a thing we say. He screams (screeches) when we put him in time-out (the corner or a chair depending on what room we're in) and will not stay in time-out, even when I stand over him. When I do put him in time out he will continuously cry and scream. When I spank him (not very often.. ok if you don't agree with it!) he laughs at me. He'll laugh at me when I put him in time out. When I try to explain why he was in time out he asks non-stop 'why?'. I feel like I just can't get through to him. I've really worked on explaining things to him and he just doesn't care to listen. I am so frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. I have read so much on parenting sites and such and nothing has seemed to work. The not staying in time-out and the non-stop 'why's' are driving me nuts! And yes I do praise him a lot on his good behavior. I would love some suggestions from parents, please!!!!

Answer 1

Terrible two's

Trying three's

Frustrating four's

Fabulous five's

My daughter is 3, 4 next month and I know exactly what you are going through.  I found that I simply, and quietly remove what she adores the most.  If it's her stickers, her bad behavior makes them go on the shelf - where she can't get to even if she climbs on the chair, yes she's tried.  If she is watching tv, it goes off.  If she is totally out of control, she goes to her room.  I feel bad for my neighbors cause she screams and cries like she's being tortured.  Then I leave the room, if she follows me I go to another room.  This makes her realize that I do not wish to hear her tantrum.  Soon she settles, very soon actually, and then it's on to something new which is usually trying to get me to play - which I do and lightly explain why she was being punished.  I know it goes in one ear and out the other,,, but it's go to catch in there somewhere.

I used to fight and battle.  I no longer do that.  I ignore and don't give the negative any attention at all.  I was finding that she was looking for the attention even if it was negative.

Good Luck!!  Get ear plugs,,,,they'll help.

Answer 2

You just have to be firm and not let him get away with it. Our kids started screeching and we got him out of that bad habit early as well.

Answer 3

Use the Super Nanny approach:

web site : http://www.supernanny.com/

Answer 4

time out doesn't work for all children, so forget it.  ignore his negative behaviors, use the NO less often, and redirect his attention.  talk some parenting classes and relax.

Answer 5

i had the same problem. my son is 3 (may 7th)  

when i was a child my parents use a switch on me. i swore that i would never ever use this method.  my son completely ruined our vacation because of his attitude. to the point that we came home early.  his attitude didn't end there either, it just got worse and worse.  finally one night i had ENOUGH and i went outside, my hubby was like... what are you doing?  i said i am getting a switch right now!  i spanked him on his bare hiney 3 times.  IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM.  now all i have to do is tell him that i am going to get a switch if he does not stop... and INSTANTLY HE STOPS.   i guess there is a reason my parents used this one me.

well i decided to do some research, and come to find out that it is better to use a switch than to use your hand or a belt.

spanking with the hand -    we love these babies with our hands, we stroke their face with our hands, pat their back, rub our fingers through their hair - WITH OUT HANDS.... and then we spank them?  our hands are to love > not dicipline.  when we spank them with our hands it can also jar their body (making it bend forward) which is very bad for their backs.

Spanking with a belt -  not very effective, can leave bruises, can welp the skin, can slip and cause the metal end to hit the child.  teaches that our clothing is dicipline. > clothes should be worn and not for dicipline.

Wooden Spoon - not very effective, can leave bruises and welps... when the child helps cook they need to be able to use these utinsles to help cooking, not to be diciplined with.

using  a switch -

its biblical

does not welp

does not bruise

it allows a calm down period from the time that you tell the child to wait for you in their room while you go and get the switch, to the time you go outside and pick the switch. it also gives time for the child to think about what they did wrong to get a switch used on them.

i also tell my son that good behaivor gets treats, good behaivor gets rewards.  bad behaivor gets dicipline.

i tell him that i will not reward him for bad behaivor.  when he is doing something he is not suppose to, i ask him now is this bad behaivor going to get you rewards?  i also explain to him that, playing at the park is a reward, candy is  a reward, getting to play with toys is a reward.  if he misbehaves i take his rewards away for a certain period of time.

Answer 6

My four year old didn't respond well to spankings nor does he respond to time-out.

I resorted to a spoon, wooden to be exact. It only took one spanking that he realized that he was in trouble. Now whenever he gets in trouble, all I have to do it mention or show the spoon and he stops.

It might not be the best approach, but it worked for me.

Answer 7

Hi! Your child is finding out what the boundaries are.

I also have a 3 year old.

I don't hit/spank her but I was hit /spanked as a child so I know that when your child is playing up at time out what they are saying to you is 'Okay, you put me in time out for this, what do I have to do to make you hit me then?'

After you hit them they then are saying 'Okay, you hit me for this so if I get really naughty what will you do next?'

What you need to do is establish a pattern of discipline.

My kids get time-out where they stand (or sit) against a wall for a minute of their age (so 3 mins for my little one)

If they continue to scream they get another time-out.

Then they get sent to their bedroom. This is so that you and they can calm down - and so that no-one feels like hitting or hurting each other!!!

Make sure that you stay the other side of the door and keep a quiet eye on them so they don't get in danger.

When everything goes quiet invite them to say sorry.

If they do, give them a hug.

Each time they are naughty warn them of the 2 time-outs and then 'go to your room' rule.

They will soon see that there is a boundary and that if they cross it all that will happen is they will be removed from your company. They will hate that more than being hit - because when you hit a child they are getting attention from you - good or bad doesn't make a difference to them!

But most of all don't make a chart of bad behaviour - only one for good behaviour - get them to put a sticker on a large piece of paper on the wall each day (before bedtime) if they are good. 5 stickers gets a reward such as a sweet, toy or trip to the park etc..

My kids still play up - but they don't ever go beyond the 2nd time-out!

Still having problems?

A visit to the doctor to check for ear infections or pieces of cardboard lodged up the nose - this sometimes goes unnoticed and can cause grumpy bad tempered kids ( and yes my 3 year old has had both)

The cardboard was taken out by an ENT specialist this morning after a previous trip to the doctor failed to notice it up there 2 weeks agao - despite her looking!

It's been up there for 5 weeks!

So another bit of advice - follow your instinct - if you think a doctor is wrong - they probably are!!!!

Answer 8

boy, if anyone can figure this one out, let me know.  the only thing i might suggest is what i did with my daughter.  she is only 2 1/2 but when she gets in trouble, i send her to her room.  she screams and hollers but she knows that when she gets her fit out of her system, she can come out.  so, after about 5-10 minutes depending on how fired up she gets, she comes out much calmer and says she is finished with her fit and then i talk to her about what she did and why she got in trouble.  i figured out that she isn't going to listen to me when she is screaming and throwing the fit so it is best to talk afterwards.  now, about how to keep your child in his room or in time out.  i might suggest having a specific room for that.  you may have to go with him and sit with him for a few minutes until he has calmed down.  the best thing is to be persistant.  as for the why's.  i would repeat myself, too.  say "until you calm down i can't talk to you about it"  say the same thing over and over.  it will eventually get thru.  i am definately not an expert and this might not work at all because every child is different, but i know how you feel and at this point i would try anything.  good luck.

Answer 9

Firstly - Try redirection, if that if unsucessful then give him a warning that it is not okay to do what he is doing and if he does it again he will be having time out.

When he does the undesired behaviour, tell him he is having time out because he ______ when you asked him not to. Tell him he will be having time out for 3 minutes (1 minute for every year of age) When he kicks and screams give him no eye contact. When he gets off the chair, place him back on the chair, again giving no eye contact.

Laughing and smiling is all part of the 3 year old behaviour, especially if he knows it really gets to you. Try and stay as calm as possible because if he knows you are getting annoyed he will play on it even more.

As for the non stop whys? It is part of the development of a three year old to ask, but when you have explained it already, just tell him that he knows why.

To try and discourage the 'bad' behaviour, try social stories when you read to him. Change the characters around. e.g. Mummy was very sad with Goldilocks - she used to throw her toys and hit her brother..and when she was on time out she used to scream. She was a good girl, but sometimes she did naughty things   etc. Hope this helps

Answer 10

you are going to have to just keep putting him in time out over and over her will learn sooner or later that he has to stay there to be able to get up and play set a timer every time he gets up reset it it will take time for him to learn.

Answer 11

I would suggest trying a time out again. Remember no eye contact, just put him on the spot and walk away, if he gets up just continue to put him back. As a nanny I have noticed that many parents do not do the technique correctly and therefore do not get the desired results. In my years of experience I have never seen time out fail with any child(no matter how strong willed), if done correctly.

Step 1: You need to pick a timeout spot away from anything that can be thrown, broken, etc. Use the stairs, a living room chair, etc. When he begins a tantrum give him a warning that if he continues to behave the way he is, than he will get a time out. A warning is essential for the technique, as it give the child a chance to self correct their own behavior.

Step 2: When he continues misbehaving, pick him up and place him in timeout. Get down on his level and tell him why he is in timeout. Keep the explanation short and sweet, he may be yelling and crying/laughing so he doesn't have to answer you and most likely will not even acknowledge what you said(that is fine since at this point in the timeout it is not important). This is not the time to answer "why?", so just ignore it and give your explanation and walk away. The reason he is laughing and asking why is b/c it is getting a reaction and giving him attention.

Step 3: The first time you try and lay down the law he will resist. This means that he will get up, throw things(since this may get him attention), yell, hit you, etc. After you put him in time out, do not hover, just walk away. Staying and standing over a child keeps the conflict going and allows the child to get more attention from you. When he gets up walk calmly back over to where he is(remember not to give eye contact, look over his head, at his shirt, etc. Do not talk to him or acknowledge that he is doing something wrong), pick him up(allow him to kick, yell, etc without saying anything), and place him back in timeout. Walk away. Expect him to get back up again, repeat the same thing as above. The key to this is to avoid eye contact and conversation. He is getting up b/c he wants attention and is testing your limits. If he is going to throw something, do not say anything(no eye contact), if you are close enough walk over and calmly take it, if he gets the chance to throw it, ignore that and put him back in time out.

It is very likely that the first time will take you an hour or so, since he is so used to getting his way. If you do not break, it will get less and less each time, until he eventually sits on the spot without getting up. You need to show him that you will not give in, even giving in once during the timeout(any eye contact, interaction, talking, loosing your temper, or letting him out of timeout early) will teach him that he only has to scream and resist for so long before you give in.

**Top Timeout Mistakes**

>Hovering or holding the childing in the timeout spot. Just walk away, stay out of sight of the child so they do not continue to scream for your attention. Your child should listen to you b/c you are the parent, not b/c you are physically stronger and can hold them in place. Hovering causes conflict b/c the child is going to continue to misbehave, in order to get your attention, or some type of reaction.

>>Giving eye contact after placement on the step. Children throw tantrums for attention. All behavior serves a purpose, and the purpose of a tantrum is attention. If you stop the attention, there is not reason for the behavior.

>>>Giving up after a few time of the child getting up. Children are going to test boundaries. Parents do not realize that the first time out(when doing it right), will take an hour or more. Reshaping behavior takes time and effort. Too many parents give up, which teaches the child that their tantrum is effective in getting them what they want. The first timeout may take an hour, but it will get less and less when the child realizes that getting up is pointless b/c they just get put back without any attention.

Step 4:

After he has stayed in timeout for his 3 min, you walk over to him and tell him why he was in timeout, tell him to apologize and give him a hug and kiss.

Answer 12

Good to hear you are giving him attention for his good behavior.  Now for his bad... You should set clear consequences for his behavior and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS follow through whether you are in the mood to or not.  Pull the patience out from somewhere.  Also, it is recommended by some psychologists to spank.  This should only be done a few times in order to put the fear of God in him.  Spanking is legal in most places, if done for behavioral reasons.   Also, try taking away his beloved toy everytime he misbehaves.  This gets their attention. Good luck.

Answer 13

Firstly, you aren't alone here.  

After having gone through this twice, having two kids, I can honestly say what works for one child does not necessarily work for another, because we are all individuals.  This is the age where they are trying to push their boundaries and see what they can and can't get away with.  The why questions, as much as they drive you insane are about learning about everything, although I sometimes wonder if they pick their timing just to annoy us.

Like everything else, time-out is something they have to learn to do.  Therefore, repitition is the key, don't stand over him, just keep putting him back.  Eventually he will get what is wanted of him.  

Time-out didn't work with my second, and most willful child, so I took away one toy he loved for an hour, he had heaps of other toys to play with, so I wasn't really denying him anything, but being his favourite he noticed it missing.  This worked better than time out for him.

And keep the mantra in your mind that this is just a phase, and it will pass.  Good luck

Answer 14

well right now he's tryn to be indepent and thats what kids do from starting at 18 months to 2 yrs old till they in mid 4's till 5yrs old. unforntly timeing isnt best and stuff. do you still have his old high chair i use to do this whith kids when was babysitting the younger 1's whom were throwing tantrums after getting in trouble i use to sit them in  high chair away from things and action just for few mins and always in my sight with in a few mins half them had fallen asleep in chair and other half had settled then they were to say sorry and allowed to come back. I cared for my sister now 14 when was little but she never got into troulble then she made up for it when was 8 to 10 big time.I said no she was done as a toddler. be glad its now the trouble gettin out much worse to have them wit attitude before teens 8 to 10 is alot harder when they r throwing a trantrum in store.

Answer 15

After just reading the question, I was going to suggest a paddling to get his attention, but now I see you've already tried that.

If he's laughing at you, maybe you aren't hitting him hard enough.  (I'm not advocating abuse, but the whole purpose of a spanking is to make him feel a little pain, not tickle).

You could try taking away a favorite toy for a short period until he starts obeying you.  

Good luck.

Answer 16

Get the book 1,2,3 Magic...it works wonders and details how to use time out (even for difficult children)

Answer 17

It's rough, but consistency is your only answer. If you put him in a timeout, he screams, and you eventually give in, he will know to do that next time. You have to follow through even if it takes a LONG time for him to get the message.

I watched an episode of Supernanny where they had to keep putting a 5 year old in her timeout spot for 3.5 hours before the kid gave up. Hopefully you won't have to go that long, but yes, you have to keep doing it regardless of whether or not you are going nuts.

Another helpful hint (I hope) is to remain calm at all times. If he sees that he's getting to you, he may act up even worse. As long as he suffers the consequences, he will think twice about doing it.

We recently had the same problem with our 3 year old who refused to go to sleep at night. After several timeouts and a couple of slaps on the butt, she went to sleep after 1.5 hours. We kept at it though because we knew by giving up, she would be emboldened to go longer.

Good luck! It's not easy!

Answer 18

Hi there!

I have just read your question and 1st of all i would like to say that you sound like you are doing an amazing job!

I have a very strong willed 4 year old boy and we have dealt with these exact same issues not long ago and i suggest locking the door!

We chose the toilet for time out, because it is so boring and becauseis elliminates the "I need to go toilet" excuse to get out of time out! Of course you need to take the toilet paper ect out before you start! :-)

Also, if he keeps comming out, put a lock on the outside of the door! Put him in there and lock it! Leave him in there, kicking and sreaming for 3 mins and then go back in and get an apology before he can leave.

It may seem really harsh, but it works and FAST!

Good Luck!

Answer 19

I have four children, ages almost 7 down to 1.  For what it's worth, I've never had terrible 2s with my children.  By the time they're 2, they listen quite well.

I would say forget the time outs as your normal discipline.  If he disobeys you, give him a spanking.  If he screams or laughs at you afterwards, I'd spank him again.  And by spanking, I am meaning on a bare bottom or through thin underwear so that he can actually feel it.  If you tell him to sit somewhere quietly, and he doesn't stay, then spank him for disobeying, and then put him right back there; repeat as necessary.  If you consistently spank for all of these things, you should see improvement, but it will probably take a while, since you haven't been doing this from the beginning.  

Also make sure you're not rewarding his behavior in some way.  With the timeouts for instance.  You come and stand over him because he won't stay there, so he gets to jerk your chain and you jump to his tune.

Also, make sure that you deal with something when it first occurs.  If he refuses to obey you, and you tell him several more times and only then do you discipline, you've taught him not to listen the first time.