A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house? Get away from me, you oaf!"
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing away. The man thinks this is strange so he goes over to the barman and asks where the little bloke came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie. "What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million pounds," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappears back into the lamp. The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million dogs come through the door. Astounded the man says:
"Hey! I didn't ask for a million hounds!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replies the bartender.
A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.
"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.
"Why, what do you have?" the barman asks sympathetically.
"Fifty pence."
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