4 year old hits, kicks, scratches, and slams doors when he doesn't get his way. Any ideas?

Question

I have tried time out, for him and me, and a spanking on the rear end. Nothing seems to work. He seems to do this more when he is tired, but it also happens if I tell him he may not have something. For example, after nap he asked for some candy. I said 'no' and he could have something else such as crackers, banana, grapes, apple, animal crackers. Then he hit me. He is very verbal and extremely intelligent. He is not ADD or anything like that. He is an only child.

Answer 1

You have part of your answer in the last sentence.  He is an only  child.  Unfortunately if throwing a fit worked once.  (and it must have) He will try it again.  And he will try it twenty times and escalate each time before he gives in and accepts that it won't work anymore.  You must stop this now or he will grow up thinking this is the way to get what he wants.

The trick is not to give in before he does.  And to not blow your cool either.  Say no, then do not respond further.  If he hits simply grab the offending hand so he can't hit you again.  Hold the offending hand and pay attention to him so you can grab the other one when he uses it.  He will.  If he tries to kick you may need to,carefully, turn him away from you.  The goal is to keep him from hurting you.  Not to discipline him.  When he is calm, it may take awhile, let him go and place him in a seat or his room and tell him simply and calmly that he will not be allowed to hit or hurt anyone.

If you know a tantrum is coming on because he is tired it is even more important not to react.  Simply say you are getting grouchy and need to sleep.  He must take a nap to make him a happier person.  Keep putting him back in his bed until he stays.

I'm sorry this will be a fight but better now than later.

As for being verbal and intellegant those things are being sidtracked in his brain.  Intellegence is not maturity.  So when hie is in tantrum mode he will not be able to use his intelligence.  He is only a child.