4 year old wakes the baby...Makes me so mad/frustrated/crazy!!! I feel helpless.

Question

My very energetic 4 and a half year old daughter is making me crazy. My husband is gone a lot at night, and I try to get the girls to bed. The baby ( nine months old) doesn't like to go to sleep, so it's never easy. But the 4 year old comes in while I'm nursing, jumps up and down making noise, slams doors, gets into things she's not allowed to.

Frankly, I'd be okay if she just got into things. But she wakes the baby up, and then I'm stuck with both of them again. She's not old enough to understand that if she'd let me get the baby to sleep, she'd have me to herself. I wish she could understand that.

I cannot and will not just scream at her and go lock her in her room. I practice attachment parenting and I'm trying to find a way to deal with this peacefully. I just feel helpless when she comes in while I'm nursing and starts making noise. Then she smiles and says, "See, I just wanted more time with the baby!" Yeah, right.

And of course, she doesn't get enough attention. like I said, Dad's gone a lot, and I have a new baby. I would just like one evening to go smoothly, and not have the baby up until ten or so at night (because she essentially gets a "nap" at 7:30 when I'm trying to put her to bed.

Can anyone help me? Even if you just tell me I'm not alone, this will help. Please don't bother telling me to give her severe punishments, I won't do it. I'm reading a book on giving children MORE love when they're bad, but I'm just so frustrated with her right now. I had to put myself in a Timeout from her just to write this.

I do feel a little better, but still helpless at having any control over my evening whatsoever. Doesn't the baby deserve a decent bedtime? (The littlest monkey is quite happily awake now. Being awakened doesn't bother her a bit, it's just more playtime.) I'm so damned tired.

Answer 1

Practice whatever you want but if you want your baby to sleep then your gonna have to punish your daughter for her naughty behavior! AT LEAST tell her that if she is quiet until the baby is asleep and doesn't bother you then you'll do something she want with her. Myself i would but a dvd (or tv if she likes whats on) on and sit her in front of it and tell her to stay and if she does and doesn't wake the baby for a whole week i'll get her a small toy (have a chart with gold or red stars so she can see) My mum used to do this for me and it worked a charm.

Answer 2

I have 6 year old, 3 year old and 7 month old girls and my husband is only home every second weekend.  My six and three year olds understand perfectly that when I'm putting baby to sleep it is quiet time.  I did not have to scream or punish them, but I did have to stand very firm on the issue with a certain tone to my voice.  There's nothing wrong with teaching your 4 year old (she's not too young) that there are boundaries and rules in life.

Some suggestion:

Tell your daughter that when she was a baby you didn't allow anyone to wake her up so you won't allow anyone to wake up baby either.

Don't give her "more love" when she's bad that will confuse her greatly.  Have you heard of the advise, reward good behavior?  If she is being quiet and respectful give her a non sugary treat like do a puzzle with her or join her for some colouring in.

Put the four yo down for sleep before baby.

And finally try what I did,  read a book to the older child on her bed, or better yet tell a story in dim light, so she'll go to sleep and so will baby while you nurse.  This is how I manage to get all three to sleep by 8pm so I can have some "me" time which us mums definitely need.

Answer 3

Your baby is 9 months and should be quite old enough to put up with a little interruption.  You don't mention how long you are putting the baby to bed but perhaps it is that routine that also needs adjusted.  My older 2 knew the baby's room was off limits when I was in there with him as a newborn and even now at 16 months, once I close the door, they are not to open it.  

Step 1.  Make the bedtime routine for the 9 month old more open so that you only spend about 10 mintues in her room with her.  then say good night and leave.  She should be able to fall asleep on her own by now.

Step 2.  Unwanted behavior will continue with your 4 1/2 yr old as long as you let it.  Attachment parenting does not mean you allow inappropriate behavior.   Explain the rules for your daughter now and follow up with consequences of your choice.  How will she ever learn to abide by rules in school or anywhere else if she has not been taught at home?

Answer 4

Yes, I can help you.

My daughter is 19, beautiful, respectful, hard-working, socially well-adjusted, and intelligent.  She graduated valedictorian and is going to college not only with a full-tuition scholarship, but with enough other scholarship money to nearly pay for room and board.  I can speak with authority on this subject.

Ignore the experts.  That, and you're writing too much, which means you're analyzing too much.

Get a paddle.  Big wooden spoon works just fine.  Grow some guts and be the parent.  Now.  You're supposed to be the adult in this household and you're letting the inmates run the asylum.  Take charge.

Answer 5

You want to stick with your method...Why? It's obviously not working very well. Step up and be the parent. Your baby is no longer new, she is 9 months, that's almost a year! That means that you have allowed inappropriate, bratty behavior for 9 months. Why is the father never home? Is that his method? If your daughter comes in, place the baby in the crib or baby rocker, take the four year old by her hand, place her in her bed, tell her that if she comes out again a privilege will be taken away the next day, and leave the room. If she comes out again, put her back in her bed and take away a privilege. Don't allow bad behavior, she will quickly get the picture and behave. If you don't discipline now, get ready for the tough 14+ years that lie ahead.

Answer 6

You could try setting up a "busy box" for your 4 year old to keep her occupied while you're with the baby. Keep it only for bed-times and fill it with "special toys" and quiet activities.(eg. puzzles, picture books, paper and crayons, lego blocks, little dolls or animals, puppets, etc...) Change the contents occasionally to keep it interesting for her. Explain to her that it is only for her to use while you are putting the baby to bed,

Good luck!

Answer 7

The last thing you need right now is another source of frustration. Ignore the answers that insinuate that you are doing something wrong. It sounds like to me that everyone involved is behaving perfectly normally for their ages, including you. If you want love and understanding, and good ideas from people who practice attachment parenting and positive/gentle "discipline" go to http://www.mothering.com/discussions/ind...  People on this Yahoo answers board are often well-intentioned, but if they don't understand attachment parenting, then they aren't going to speak your language.

All this talk about spanking and taking charge is weird. You CAN communicate with a 4 y.o.

Another good place to get ideas and vent your frustrations is the yahoo group, "attachment parenting and breastfeeding support at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Attachment...

Hang in there mama. You are alright!  Remember how fast your babies grow? This too will pass.

Answer 8

You said that you don't want to punish her, or tell her to go to her room- well that leaves talking to her and bribing. There really is no reasoning with a 4 year old. Maybe the best option for you would be bribery. My daughters get "the look" and know to be quiet/lower their voices or else...  

Answer 9

Try putting the 4 year old to bed before you sit down to nurse the baby  :)

Answer 10

Maybe when your in the room with the baby trying to her to sleep and the 4 yr old comes in... tell her to go to her room and pick out a book for you to read to her AFTER the baby is asleep.  Also tell her that the longer it takes for baby to go to sleep, the less time you will have for her to read/play etc.  Yes, I know there is not much reasoning with a 4 yr old but keeping her busy while you're dealing with the baby is what you need to do.  Maybe have her clean her room up during baby time, that way after baby is asleep and fed, it's just you and her.

Answer 11

Hi, I can feel your frustration. Sibling envy can present itself in many ways . This may be the case with your four year old, she doesn't want to miss a thing and she is also getting attention if she wakes baby up, any attention is a reward for children. A small baby takes a lot of time and attention and a four year old will find this difficult to understand especially a first child. You are right about punishment being the wrong thing. Your four year old is behaving entirely naturally.

Is there any way that you can include your four year old in the baby's bed time routine? Why not ask her to help with baby's routine? She could help change the nappy and choose a sleepsuit or soft toy for the end of baby's bed. Give lots of praise for her "help". When it is time to nurse your baby to sleep have your four year old's favourite bedtime books or quiet toys to hand so you can read to her while you get your little one to sleep. A quiet time before bed may be just what she needs to settle her down.You can chat about her day and what she is looking forward to doing  tomorrow. Explain to her why it is so important for baby's to sleep. Sleep helps babies to grow and it also gives mummies time to spend with their other children. Show her how you settle baby to sleep and talk about what you will do together when baby is asleep and she has big girl time with you before bed, make it something soothing and relaxing that's just for your special time. Don't worry, the baby won't know that you are focussing attention on your four year old at this time, but your four year old most definitely will.

Also you say your four year old is energetic, does she get enough opportunity during the day to run off some of that energy? It's easy to become housebound when you have a new baby.

It may take time for things to get better but in my experience, just when things get so bad you think you can't take any more, something changes and things start to improve. Thinking of you, Clare.

Answer 12

She is old enough to understand. You are just being too lax on discipline. Put your foot down and be a parent and not a pushover. All kids that age are energetic but good parenting puts the kabosh on behavior problems. If you allow her bad behavior now she will always run all over you.

Edit-- You do not have a new baby, the baby is 9 months old and you have allowed bratty behavior for that entire time. You have already set the stage for her continued bratty behavior. You have to stop it now with punishment or you have a brat forever.

Answer 13

If your not going to punish the child,then you will have live with it.

Answer 14

Your little girl is being like any other 4 year old. Think about it and make her a helper in some way during this time. Yelling and getting mad will do nothing but harm. In some way make her apart of it like doing a little task.