5 and 7 yr old foster girls picking on another girl at daycare - help!?

Question

My husband and I have two foster girls, ages 5 and 7, very sweet and cooperative most of the time. We have had them since January, and have never seen them gang up on anybody. I just got a call from our daycare coordinator and she said that another girl has been coming home upset for the last two weeks. Her parents finally got it out of her last night that our foster girls have been calling her "fat". The daycare coordinator asked every teacher if they had witnessed this, and all said no, so not only are our girls doing this mean thing, they're being sneaky about it. The reason I'm posting this is because this is SO unlike them, and I need ideas on how to truly teach them that this isn't ok. My husband and I were thinking we could print out pics of famous (unattractive by today's standards) people from history who have made huge contributions to our country in different ways, and use those to illustrate how looks are unimportant. Discipline ideas would be great as well.

Answer 1

Talk to the girls first and ask them if they've been doing this. Let them know flat out that the other girl has been saying that they've been calling her fat and see what their reaction is. If I look at my daughter in the eyes long enough when I ask if she's lying, she'll start to grin and turn her head away. When you're around a kid long enough, you'll know when they're lying and when they're not. I wouldn't get upset with them yet. I would definitely confront them with it. I've also dealt with another kid at daycare accusing my kids of things they didn't do~~the other kids and the daycare provider would always come to the defense of my girls. Maybe because this other girl was always trying to cause trouble and get others in trouble.

Please give these girls the benefit of the doubt. As far as showing them pics of people who are not attractive by today's standards, do you really think that they'll care? My sister is way over-weight and my oldest told her she needs to go on the biggest loser (my sister DID ask first). We've been in stores when they've seen someone and they've been like "mom, she's/he's FAT" and all I can do is shoot them a look at that point and when we're somewhere quiet explain to them that people are shaped differently, not everyone's as fit as they are, but they are NOT to call anyone fat in public and I never want them to say it to someone's face. If they think it, fine~~they can keep it to themselves. Kids are brutally honest though and say what's on their mind most times.

Good luck, this is a tough one. I wouldn't punish at all until you know all the facts from everyone involved.

Answer 2

Don't get too complicated. They're five and seven. They won't get it. They don't need to know about how looks are unimportant, they only need to know it is not okay to call people names.

Sit down and have a talk with them and that they have been hurting this girl's feelings. Ask them how they would feel if someone called them names.

Answer 3

I think that when we were young we all disliked someone for one reason or another. I called someone four eyes. This has nothing to do with someone's physical appearance. It is dislike for some reason. I would not reward a child with attention for calling someone fat based on the word fat. Some children only get attention for being bad.

      An alternate possibility is that everyone in the class dislikes the other child and so they did something to fit in.

      Or they may not have done anything. In this case the other child does not like them.

      It should be easy to find out if they like the other child. if not, why not? Your demenour may influence how truthful they are. Can you make it enjoyable for them to be truthful. Can you make it fun for  them to like the other child. The children have to learn how to be like you and solve issues with enjoyment and not with judgment, dislike, punishment and anger.

      If you catch them taunting another child then you can go to punishment. Quickly take away some privilege.

I don't think that the word fat is an issue. You never know though. There is always a chance. You never know what their parents taught them.

Answer 4

I would challenge them first since ALL kids lie.  Take a whole bunch of pictures off the internet of different size and color women.  Have them point out the best and worst and then ask them why.  Make it seem innocent.  

If they pick out the "fat" people as the worst all the time, then you know for sure that they indeed did pick on the girl.  Then you can point out all the good qualities that the "fat" people have.  You can also point out the bad qualities in the "skinny" people.  Let them see that just because you are small doesn't mean you are perfect.

I would also have them make a nice card or craft for the girl they picked on.  They can present it to her and maybe they'll develop a more peaceful relationship.

Answer 5

If they are sweet and cooperative then ask them if they had been doing this. Don't act all angry, because they'll say no even if they had. But I think that if the teacher didn;t notcie, it's so unlike them etc. they may not have done it. yes, they may have, but there is a chance that the other girl is lying.

If they have done it, I think your idea of famous people is great. Print off some really skinny, anorexic pictures as well, to proove to them that there are two extremes. For punishments, I would do something relating to the crime. No puddings or chocalate, if being fat is such a bad thing, and although you can't make them apoligise, it would be nice.

Good luck!

Answer 6

First, if no one else has seen it you have to be bias in teh fact that they could be doing this or the other child is lying.

sit them down and tell tehm waht is said.  Tell them you are not asking if they did it but if it has happened that will be the last of it.  then tel then how saying things that may not seem like a big deal to them can be very hurtful to others withouth them knowing it.  To be careful with words.

See how it goes from there.  And ask daycare to keep a watchful eye.

Answer 7

FIRSTLY you have already tried and convicted them on the word of another child!!!! You should ask for a meeting with the child and the parents of said child and you and your children and sort it out,make it informal like a pub or restaurant etc and get the kids to talk about it.Your supposed to teach and guide your children not condemn them especially at that age,if it does turn out to be true then making these two apologise to this girl will do a lot more good for all concerned than pictures

Answer 8

I like your idea of discussing how visual information does not determine how intelligent or kind-hearted people are; that society's idea of 'fat' is a contemporary idea and doesn't affect what a person is really like.

That way you can also address issues of race and nationality, and perhaps contrast it with other physical things like disability (Stephen Hawking or F.D.Roosevelt would be good examples). I would also ask them if being tall or short makes you attractive or not, or hair color, or other irrelevant things that might make them examine their judgement criteria.

However, you might find that their picking on another child is partly their way of bonding with 'each other'; that it might be more related to their own sense of sibling identity in their new lovely family. This might need to be addressed differently.

Answer 9

Are you SURE they have actually done it? NObody has seen them do it except the girl....if you are sure about it then you should print out attractive curvacious people ...like Maralyn Monroe etc....show them that beauty comes in all sizes...and do what your husband says in addition....also...tell them that women should stick together always...we are all sisters together...also tell them about Karma....what you put out comes back multiplied by 3.