5 year old bullying another child and the parents don't care. Need advice please!?

Question

My son is 6 and a neighbor boy is 5. They are best friends and play together constantly but when they argue (as all kids eventually do) the 5 year old neighbor boy gets violent with my son. He does everything from shoving, grabbing and name-calling all the way up to biting and choking (yes, choking). A couple weeks ago he even told my son "I'm going home to get my dad's gun and I'm gonna come back and kill you." Of course he ever intended to make good on that threat, but I am disgusted with his parents' apathy about his behavior.

When he bites, chokes, hits with toys, etc. I ground him from our home for 1 week. I call his mom and tell her why I'm sending him home and that he can't come over to play for a week. She does nothing to him...no time-out, no grounding, NOTHING. He's outside immediately playing with other neighborhood kids. All she says is just a "don't do that anymore, honey." That's it! For biting and CHOKING another child in anger, he receives no discipline. For the gun threat, all she said to him is "Don't say that anymore. It's not nice."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

When I ground the boy from our home, I feel like I'm punishing our son. Despite his friend's behavior, he still wants to play with him all the time. His parents do not parent him. I've tried talking to them at least a dozen times and there has been no improvement. I've tried being nice and civil and I've tried being rude. So I gave up on the parents and last week I told my son that when his friend shoves or hits him to shove or hit BACK. I felt terrible teaching him this because it is NOT in his nature to do so, but the neighbor boy has to learn somehow and his parents aren't teaching him. So yesterday he pushed my son and my son pushed back. Then the neighbor boy punched him in the face and my son came home crying. My advice to him to push back only made his situation worse!

I need some experienced advice about this situation. Should I take back my advice to him about hitting back? I don't want other kids to learn it's ok to hit my son by watching that one child. My son is argumentative so I'm sure that doesn't help the situations when they argue. How can I teach him to resolve these conflicts before they get to the point of violence?

Thank you very much for your help!

Answer 1

This is the problem that has caused me more hours of worry and sleeplessness than all the hours of newborn crying!  How do you manage other people's kids?

Well, the true answer is that you don't.  You cannot control them, their actions or their child.  You can only control your son's behavior and give him the tools to handle this type of child.  He will see more of this in the future at school and such.  You will not always be there to intervene.



We have a similar situation in our neighborhood where 1 child is always the catalyst for all arguements, though they are not violent.  I totally understand about your son wanting to play with the other child - my kids are the same way with the kid on our street.   I don't know what the attraction is but while I am preaching the benefits of being nice, my kids are the ones getting their feelings hurt while the little demon wreaks havoc with no consequences.  

I tell my kids to walk away from X  when he gets mad. I tell them to be sure to speak up when X does something they don't like.  I tell them that he is not welcome at our house unless I can supervise.   When X comes over, I make sure he knows I am watching and I am not at all reluctant to lay down the law..... 'in our house, our rules are..... blah blah'   I look him in the eye and let him know that stuff doesn't fly with me.  This works to some extent but it is exhausting having to police the play.  

Teaching a child to counteract violence with violence will only escalate the problem, as you have experienced.  Other than avoidance or direct supervision, you really cannot do much more.  You cannot force parents to be parents.  

Sorry that isn't more helpful.  

Answer 2

The boy has learned this behavior at home.  And since it goes on in the house, the mother sees no problem w/ it.  It is sad, but true in so many cases today.  We taught our son self-defense and the proper time to use it and how.  Just continue to reiterate to your son that the behavior of the other boy is wrong and not to be tolerated at anytime.  And that when you ground the boy from coming to your house that it is not to punish your son but to protect him because you love him.  If need be, you may want to refuse to let the boy enter you yard.  The saftey and protection of your child is the most important.

Answer 3

if you talked to a social worker and tell her the situation you are in, i'm 100% sure she will do some thing about it.

Answer 4

you seem to want the best for your son.  so ban the kid from coming over.  right now he's a bad influence who hurts your child.  who cares if your kid gets a little upset?  get him other friends.  and if your son, or the kid, or the kids parents ask why, it's because the child behaves in a way that is completely contradictory to the way to raise your own children, and is a danger to them.

sure, your kid should learn how defend himself.... against BULLIES!!! you don't/shouldn't have to learn how to hit your FRIENDS back.  besides, you're either going to end up trying to raise this kid (ie teach him manners) else your son start emulating this kid.  

if he's playing with the other neighborhood kids, then sure, let your son play, and tell him if the kid bothers him, to pop him one (if the kid refuses to listen).  but i would strongly advise against letting the kid into your home and/or have play dates with your kid.

Answer 5

You were right when you told your son to defend his self, but unfortunately you have to end the friendship. Explain to him why you are concerned and why his friend is not really being a friend. Replace his time with the little boy with something you and him can do together or take him over a friend or family members house that has kids to play with instead.  You can probably get him involved in a play group or some type of martial arts classes, or take him to a kiddie gym to keep him busy and his mind off of his friend.  My situation is a little different my son was getting bullied in school, he knows how to defend his self but I made the mistake of telling him how wrong fighting was and he just refused to fight after that.  Not only did I have a talk with the children that was bulling him, but I also spoke with their parents, the principle and the teacher. I made some threats of my own.  Right after I told my son that at any time that a child, an adult is hurting him or trying to hurt him fight.  

Answer 6

so far i agree with all 3 of the other answers. i am a mother of unfortunately a violent child. but unlike your neighbors he constantly is punished and he's not as bad as he used to be. if he gets too rough with the neighbor kids i let him know it's wrong and not to do it again. if it happens again i tell him to go inside for the day. my son is almost 6 now and he has grown out of a lot of his behaviors. these things take time but you have to be stern and upfront otherwise they walk all over you. my kids if you give them an inch they'll take a mile.  boys like that need or strive for constant attention, and discipline from there parents because there not getting enough of it at home. it is called neglect some parents like myself wasn't sure how to resolve the situation. i tried a lot of different techniques but what was succesful the most for my child was more one on one attention from me. you can  check to see how clean he is or well mannered he is, if it is neglect. i would call social services on them it's in the benefit of the child, otherwise he is going to grow up like gang member or something awful like that. i wouldn't let my kid play with the kid it shows your son not to respect himself, that it's okay to play with someone that treats you badly. i would definitely call social services so then they'll have to do something about it, but i would say it unanimously because these people maybe violent towards you or even more so with your boy!

yes you can tell your boy to hit back but i would let him know this is a last resort and it is to be used only in self defense. talking or telling someone is better. you don't want him to think thats the only way to solve problems. i would enroll him into a karate class or something that would give him self confidence.  

my daughter is trying to be real dominate over my son right now she gets in big trouble for it. maybe this boy is trying to dominate your son. this kid gets bullied himself so he sees someone weak in his mind and over dominates. his parents are totally to blame it's unfortunate that some parents don't recognize the problem and try to resolve it. they would just rather ignore the problem so they can get on with there lives.  

Answer 7

I am going to teach my son (he's just 14 months) when he is older...how to defend himself. I don't want him to fight, or hit, or swear, but I want him to be able to defend himself because unfortunately, in our society there are people who do not teach their children proper manners, like your neighbors don't.

I'm sending my son to learn some martial arts because in the classes they go into how it isn't honorable to act on another person, and they teach how to defend. But they also teach honor, and calm, and stuff like that.

If I were you, I'd take my son to play with other children. I would maybe let him find a new friend and try to promote that friendship so that he will like to spend time with that child instead. Is there maybe a boy his age or older in your neighborhood?

I don't know what to do about this neighbor's kid, but I wouldn't allow my son to play with him anymore.

Answer 8

You know what, it may be your sons best friend or whatever, but I would draw the line somewhere. If you telling this other kid to knock off his threats and aggression on your son doesnt work, then its time for you to tell your son not to associate with this kid. Its time for your son to find a new friend. No way would I ever allow my kids to continue being around another kid who makes a threat like killing my kids. NO WAY! Teaching your child to fight back isnt the right thing to do. All it teaches your child is that fighting or acting this way is alright and acceptable.  

Answer 9

If it was one of my kids, they wouldn't be allowed to play with this child again, period.  I wouldn't take the chance of my child getting seriously injured by a violent child.

Answer 10

The bulling child is most likely experiencing abuse in his home. Learned behavior.  Plus as having dealt with the same sort of parent, I came to learn the parents were telling their child to hit other children and to tell off their teacher's, neighbors and abuse their pets.  Even telling the child to get revenge by killing the other family's pet.  

The best thing to do is not to let your child play/inner act with this little devil.  The bully has stated his parent has a gun.  Most likely the gun is loaded and accessible to the child. Take his threat very seriously. I know of a 5 year old who beat a baby to death because he wanted a bicycle that was near the baby. Go on line and look up children who kill.