5 year old whines constantly?

Question

My step-son is 5 and he is an only child (when he is at home.) His mom's boyfriend who she lives with has 5 kids. We have residential custody of him and he is with his mom, right now every other week. She treats him like a baby and coddles him big time! She gives in to him all the time when he whines and he thinks that all he has to do it whine and cry and he'll get his way. With his mom he does so but not so when he is at home. We have tried everything we know but nothing is working! He is starting school this fall and we've really been trying to play up the big boy thing but he just baby talks and insists he is a baby. And we get no help from his mom, she doesn't think there is anything wrong with how he acts and says she will rasie him her way when she has him. She won't even help us get him on a bedtime schedule for school this fall! Instead she lets him stay up until whenever he feels like it and lets him eat whatever he wants! Please help! Any ideas?

Answer 1

I think he can learn how to behave at your house even if he doesn't have to behave the same way at his mom's.  when he whines, ignore him.  don't look at him or talk to him.  just act like he's not in the room. turn your back if you can.  when he acts the way you want, then look at him and smile and give him attention. also, don't let him do things that a baby wouldn't be allowed to do.  tell him he has to be a big boy before he can watch that tv show or do that activity.

Answer 2

You really can't change the way the other parent is going to behave. I had the same situation with my step daughter who's now 15. I should say, I was very strict, because her dad was a push over just like her mom. The whole time growing up, she didn't baby talk to me, she did what I asked (when I asked), and was always calm and mild mannered with us. Mind you her mom claimed she had ADHD!

To this day, she doesn't talk back to me, a big deal considering she is a teenager now. She treats both me and her father with respect but gets very disrespectful with her mom and step dad.

I figure what she does in their house is their business and same for our house. You can't force anthing on the other parent, no matter how "right" it is.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

There isn't a whole lot you can do without mom cooperating...trust me, I've been in the same boat.  You could try a counselor but that might be a bit extreme.  If you need to, go to mediation with his mother to work out these issues...the courts will force her if she refuses to communicate about it.  Maybe if you e-mail her some facts and some informational websites she will look at them but if you try to convince her verbally it will likely have the opposite effect.  My ex would often do the opposite of what I suggested just to tick me off, he didn't care about the negative effects on our daughter.  Last resort, you can use the bedtime and behavior issues to contest the mother's behavior and file for a change in visitation or custody with the court.  With school and everything the courts look poorly upon a child being shuffled around with no schedule and especially no bedtime (that was a big issue in our case as well).

Bottom line, you can't do anything about it without having (or making) his mom cooperate...I've tried.  A child won't learn proper behavior if they only have it enforced every other week.  I feel for you and hope things get better for you AND your child's sake.

Answer 4

It's hard to fight bad behavior when another parent (even your own spouse) is not on the same page as you.

First try to really relate to the mother and have a real, genuine, heart-to-heart talk.  Approach in this manner: "I really need your help with raising [name of child]."  Put the ball in her court: ask her questions like this: "Can you help me out, what do you do when little 'Johnny' (for the sake of this answer) does this?"  When she answers, then say ok, repeat back what she said to you, then if it's not jiving with you, pause a little bit, say "hmmm, that's just doesn't work with me, I'm going to try to do [say what ever you decide to do]."

If you can't rationally have an actuall talk with the mother without yelling or becoming frustrated then you'll just have to tell 'Johnny' the rules in your house.  A child this age can manage sets of rules in different environments...don't let him fool you.  He CAN learn to behave in your house differently than he does at his mothers.  You just have to be extremely structured, and consistend with rules and consequenses, and you'll need to praise him when he does the right thing.  You don't have to run out and buy him toys, or give him candy either.  A simple and sincere (stopping him, looking him right in the eyes) "Thank you, Johnny for ....." will be praise enough.

With the whining: you'll just need to say to him that you don't understand him when he's whining. "Sorry, 'Johnny,' but I don't know if you can do that because I can't understand you when you whine."  

You can't give in anymore either.  It'll be tough, but if you stick to it, he'll soon learn your rules and adhere to them, while at his mother's if she's not willing to give structure and discipline will soon get the short end of the stick!!