#8 Dream Theme. Free Verse. From a word-search of my poems for "dreams". What do you think?

Question

it was after two

before james fell off into deep sleep

and soon thereafter that he entered his DREAM

a piece of his clothes was caught in the machine

and the machine was drawing him in

in a moment of thirty thousand tons

of crushing force james arm was gone

the violence sent him into a stunning blackness

but it was not death

it was again the small room with one window

and the faint glow of neon

through the faded linen curtains

wrenched like a dry cork

from a bottle of cheap wine

james shot up in bed drenched in sweat

and, drained, fell over on his side

it was the same DREAM

over and over again.

i know what this is, he said

i know what this is

and i can handle it.

it’s nothing that wouldn’t be natural

for any animal

taken from the wild

and put in a cage

this is what they’ve done to me

i was a good man once

and now i have DREAMS

like a child

like a child

Answer 1

This well reminds me of "Lost Week-end" old flick played by

Ray Milliland.  A movie classic of that era.

In your poem/prose, I would say it is the bottle eating him alive, sucking him up as a machine. as well he is suffering

DT's.  I think this is a good read, but needs adapted.

I agree with Lilli, no child related dream, more like unGodly

nightmare. I do hope it is a keeper to be improved on, it is

a good subject to write about, as booze turns on the many.

Answer 2

There's a lot I like about this. The beginning is really strong.  I think the ending is less powerful. To begin with I think the last stanza, as you have it, seems to say, "I don't think you're going to get my point so I'll explain it to you."  I think the poem ends naturally and more strongly with stanza 4.  That's the big thing.  There are some smaller issues that I think you should look at and consider.  In line 4 the word "clothes" seems out of meter (I know you don't have a fixed meter but this spot seems "bumpy")  You might consider "clothing" for the accented/unaccented syllables instead.  I don't see any value in all caps for DREAM and I think it's distracting each time you do it.   I think there is some "overwriting" in S2.  I think there you could cut "of crushing force" and "a stunning" and actually increase the impact.  I love S3, what a great (and unexpected) image. If you do drop the last stanza, consider consolidating the last two lines of S4 by cutting "and put in a" and making it "and caged."  If you aren't doing it, read your work out loud several times and you may find spots that you can cut.  I think the real art in all writing is in the revision but there is really not that much this piece needs. Keep up the good work.

Remember, all critique is opinion. This is mine. You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill.

Answer 3

A caged wild animal suffers anxiety - its conditions go against its nature.  The writer's anxiety may stem from conditions that are harmful or against his nature - therefore "bad" dreams. If the writer expresses that he has "dreams like a child" - one would assume - the dreams of childhood should portent good things - fairies and such - not, I hope, arms coming off. ♥

Answer 4

it is... okay, i guess