A Couple of Questions for Adoptees?

Question

As an adoptive mom of two siblings (they came to us at ages 3 and 18 months and are now 3 and 5) from foster care with histories of neglect and abuse, what do you think is the most important thing for me to tell my children about their adoption

Also, what is the one thing I can do to help them make sense of the whole thing

Answer 1

Im also Adopted and i remember very clearly how my mam told me about it, i also remember the book she gave me called Jane is adopted. Even with all the years past i can still even remember some of the pictures in it and how it made me feel very loved. It would be a good thing to keep an aye out for..

Answer 2

I was adopted under a similar situation. The most important thing my parents told me, is that I was special because they had to wait for me. The worst thing they ever said, was comparing me to what they knew of my family. But the most impact was that they ALWAYS were open to talking about my adoption, and my sisters, and what I remembered. I was 2 when I was adopted, I never forgot, and they never took that away.

Answer 3

Be as honest as you can (age appropriate of course).  Adoptees deserve to know the truth of their origins, even if it is not pretty.  Don't worry, if you are there to support them and answer their questions, and be a loving parent, they will be able to handle it.

Just don't try to gloss over or deny them anything.  They need to know why they were adopted.  Wouldn't you want to know?

Answer 4

I was adopted when I was 2 months old and was raised with an older brother and then, eventually, a younger sister.  My brother and sister are my parents natural children.  I have known that I was adopted from a very young age (before I fully understood what adoption was).  That is the best way to do it.

DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE TEENAGERS!  That is stupid!  If they don't look like you, they will already know something is up.

Be honest with them and tell them what is appropriate for their ages.  As they get older, tell them more about their previous situation.

Tell your children that you chose them.  They are special because of that and that you love them very much.

I really hope this helps.  Honesty is always the best policy.

Answer 5

The truth in age appropriate terms.  Give them more detail as they get older and can understand and process it.

Answer 6

Thank for being concerned, it is pleasing to find adoptive parents who are really doing their research, My parents always told me I was adopted right from the start which was good, however they hid many things. I had some abuse too and not from my birth family, from my first adoptive family. Lots of details they didnt tell me, in fact I found out by readig my dads diary because I was so desperate for some answers. My parents always said "we don't knnow" whenever I asked something yet I kept uncovering secrets they were hiding from me. You can talk about their abuse a little later, maybe when they are about 7, but you can talk about generally why they were adopted. dont paint their parents in a negative light, they can decide for themselves. Just state the facts. you could say "you came from a home where your parents hurt you, I don't know if it was deliberate or whether they just needed help but we adopted you so they could stop hurting you and you could be kept safe (which is basically true)" Dont say they were mean, hated them, didnt love them etc etc, they can decide this themselves, all you need to do is provide the facts of what happened. You can reveal more perhaps graphic information either if they ask or when you think they can handle it but no later than about 11 year old. Children don't have the same taboo about certain topics and if you talk frankly and honestly with children they will understand, not instantly, but through conversations, questions and maturity. Do not hide anything. No matter how horrible you think they were treated and whether you think they can handle it they deserve the truth. Abuse and neglect even at an extremely early age such as infancy can affect adults and by hiding information about their past they may have confusing emotional issues that they cannot resolve simply because they don't know where it comes from (talking from experience here). Once I knew what I had been through, I realised why I felt the way I did and a lot of grief and anger I had been feeling just disapeared because finally I knew the truth.

Also just to add, dont wait for questions, my parents waited to tell me things until I asked, but as I said to them how am I supposed to ask a questions if I don't know there are any answers. I was too scared to ask, I just assumed they either didnt know or they would be angry. Make the first move and make it your mission to  talk openly with your children, questions are fine later, but bring their past up yourself.

Answer 7

Be completely honest with them. Tell them your situation and why you wanted to adopt. What it meant to you and how it has fulfilled your life. Don't bash the parents just tell them they were or are in a situation that isn't appropriate for children and that it meant allot to them knowing they were going to someone who would love them. They may not understand right now, but one day they will. I also believe that telling them at a young age is the best. If they are older when you tell them they wont be able to cope with it as well. People may not know that children are more understanding than teens and adults.

Answer 8

You start simple... don't be too detailed when children are too young to understand.

The most important thing to tell them how much you love them and were happy to find them when they needed a home and family.  

As to why they needed a family, the simplest answer is that their birth mommy and daddy weren't able to take care of them, so the adoption agency took care of them till they found a home for them to live in forever with loving new parents.  

If they don't ask why there birth parents weren't able to take care of them, leave that out for now.  When they are ready to know more, they will ask.  

The neglect and abuse part I'd leave out till they are teenagers.  You can tell them that none of us are ever taught in school how to take care of children, and some people have babies before they learn how to take good care of them.    Some people are too young to be able to give children the time and care they need.  Some people weren't taught how to raise and love children by their parents.  Then they have children and don't know what to do.  Sometimes they have to give up the children and let someone adopt them who knows how to love and care for the children.  

Just keep it simple for now.  When they are ready for more information, they'll ask.  As mid to late teens they may be ready to know that their parents inability to care for them included abuse and neglect, and so you want them to know how to be good parents and you try to teach them how by being good parents to them.  This is why they shouldn't go out and have children when they are too young.  

Good Luck.

cw

Answer 9

The best thing you can do is acknowledge it.

Acknowledge  the fact that they aren't your 'born' children.

That they do have another mother and father, and they do have a bad history.

Too many parents hide it from the child, it's a childish way of going 'laa laa laaa' *fingers over ears* they're my kids and no-one else's.

Just tell them what happened, as soon as you can.

Keep everything.

The fact that they have another mother doesn't relate to the fact that now, they have you. Another, more caring mother.

Erasing their past is for the parents benefit, not the child's. Please, think of them.

Answer 10

Never hide the fact that they are adopted!  I always knew I was adopted and am now a happily married man with kids of my own. Just talk about it as a matter of fact, not anything special.

P.S. As far as I am concerned, I have only one mom and one dad, the people who raised me and love me.  Love your kids and they will love you as the only mother they have.

Answer 11

I am an adoptee (who comes from a family of foster and adopted kids) and I also raised a niece who was abandoned by her druggie mother.  It hurt her a lot, but I always answered her questions as honestly as I could.  More than anything, I wanted her to know that she could always count on me to be there for her and to be honest with her.  When she was little and she asked me a question, I'd take her in my lap and we'd sit in my big rocking chair together and I'd answer her questions.  I always ended up by saying that I know her mother loved her very much, but she had a lot of problems ... problems that were not caused by my niece and couldn't be fixed by my niece either.  I wanted her to know that she had nothing to do with her mother's behaviour.  I never ever bad mouthed her mother.  As she got older, she wanted specifics about what her mother did and as painful as it was for me, I told her.  I would rather have her find out from me than from someone else in the family or read about it on some rap sheet somewhere.  A lot of times, we'd end up crying together, but I just couldn't stand to have her think of me as just one more adult whose lied to her in her life ... one more person who couldn't be trusted.  She's older now and doing well and I'm very thankful.

In the future, you may have to think about having your children enter counseling to deal with their feelings.  As an adoptee, I can tell you that many adoptees shield their adoptive parents from their feelings of rejection and anger or depression.  We don't want them to be hurt and feel like they somehow failed us.  It's important for an adoptee to have a neutral third party to talk to.  In choosing a counselor for your kids, make sure to get one who specializes in adoptees.  Good luck!

Answer 12

the truth

I'm adopted and never had questions because my parents always told be the FULL story and told me before I was old enough to really understand it...so by the time I was old enough to understand adoption and everything I already knew the answers

I'm adopted and was adopted into a wealthy family. I have great parents/siblings and was raised with a good loving family. I never had the need or desire to find my birth mother because I have had a great life growing up. I think that the reason why some kids want to find their birth parents because they want to know if they could have had a better life with them

Answer 13

My husband is adopted. I think the best thing you can do is wait until they are in thier mid teens to explain the situations. My husband was adopted in to a family that treated him like thier own child. There was never a time or conversation that included "oh he's adopted" and he has never felt like he didn't belong. Love them as your own.

Answer 14

First, wait until they are older and able to understand what is going on, and be completely honest with them.

Second, keep all your paperwork from court, visitation rights, child services...  Allow them to review everything when they are older.  -Don't hide it from them.

Third, If they have birth certificates, keep those too.  (The old ones).  It would be wise for them to know who their parents were, even though they were abusive.

***I say this because I speak from personal experience.  I'm adopted (at the age of 4, I am now 23).  I found out when I was 17 that my mom had court documents about everything that happened, and wanted to keep them from me.  I found them, took them and still have them.  It angered me VERY much to know that my adoptive mother wanted to keep such things from me.  I had/have a right to know.  Although my intention is to never meet my real parents, I would still like to know who they are.  I also am having a hard time because I don't have an original copy of my birth certificate... I'm trying to find out my background health...Like if cancer runs in the family, diabetes...stuff like that.

My birth mother was a drug addict, threw us across glass tables, fed us tabasco sauce when we wouldn't stop crying, never changed our diapers, survived (barely) on food stamps, and whored herself around town getting laid for crack.

My birth father left me before I was born.  I never knew him.  I know his name, but its such a common name, that its impossible to find him.

I also have 2 half sisters that I am in contact with.  All three of us come from different fathers, and one of them is a child molester and rapist (just got released from prison last year from a 13 year sentence.)

Hope this helps.  We found out a lot of info. on my sisters' fathers.  But none from mine.