A Piece of Writing ?

Question

A song, or poem, or some type of writing I've put together.

Please comment and be brutally honest about it.

It's a rough draft that's not yet completed.

The days never start and the nights they never end

I miss the only one on who I could depend

But nobodies here and theres no one left who cares

It's like all her feelings rot away with time

If she can't feel hers then tell me why I feel mine

Its beautiful weather to be all alone in

I can't even start to belive just how alone I've been

So after all this time they've just left me here to die

If only they could feel the pain I feel inside

They used to put on all these faces

They'd always welcome me with smiles

I'd always think it was sincerity

I guess I just needed clarity

We'd dream of seeing the whole world

Me all my friends and my one girl

But all the promises meant ****

Now its so hard to deal with it

And I've been gone for a while now but nobody missed me

This lonliness is killing me and I won't even try to breathe

Cause whats the point of even being here?

If no one's there to see your tears

or helped you fight away your fears

or helped you see this world more clear

Or filled you up so much pride

and help the sadness all subside

I'm crying alone, I'm waiting up right by the phone

Answer 1

I don't really understand the structure of this piece. The rhyming structure lacks the predictability of most poems, and lacks the flow of contemporary writing. To me, it feels jolty, and it's hard to hold concentration when the read isn't smooth. Keep in mind, that even though word is written, it should still have rhythm, just as any good song or speech has.

Another thing that contributes to the 'joltyness' is the dramatic change of the amount of syllables from sentence to sentence. You can fix this by removing non-emotive words like 'and' at the beginning of paragraph 6 (and 'cause'), and 'so' in paragraph 3. Try to remain a bit constant in the syllable structure by creating a pattern, such as (example only) 7,9,7,9.

'If only they could feel the pain I feel inside' (pg.3) can reveal more 'emotion' by replacing a basic word to a more descriptive one- something like this: 'If only they could feel the pain that tears(/storms/rips/swirls) inside'.

To help the flow, remember to put in grammatical tools where you want the reader to pause for effect, like a comma and semi-colon in here: "The days never start, and the nights; they never end".

One other thing you might want to consider is whether or not you want to give the reader a sense satisfaction by concluding the piece.

I like your theme; it's really good, and you're obviously drawing inspiration from an event or situation that currently holds relevance to you and evokes emotion. :)

Lol, I'm sorry if my answer isn't the sort of comment you had in mind, and I think I got a bit carried away :P

I think it's a a great work in progress, and I know the finishing copy will be fantastic. Thanks for sharing your writing with us. :)

Answer 2

I'm sorry.... but I'm really sick of all this moaning stuff

why cant you find a subject that makes you feel less rough..?

then use your imagination..you re amply supplied

and write a poem to lift the soul.... not next step suicide..!!.

Answer 3

Catharsis is good - get it all out there.

Then let your talent transport with flare

Be happy with LIFE and all there is there

Go on, cheer up, I give you a DARE