A Poet's last Salvation....please critique Thanks!!

Question

Honestly can you feel the stones in your lungs,

They are making it hard to breathe aren't they?

I guess they are cause I have been there before,

You know the feeling of shattered hearts on the floor.

Oceans separate and we're worlds away,

But today I will say that 'We'll be okay'

My mother told me 'Son don't you lie'

But I guess rules were meant to break and die.

I cut out my eyes with the knife from my back,

You know the one you said could prove what I lack,

Well I lack the integrity to keep you around,

So for tonight I will find another drink then the ground.

If only I had wings then I could fly to California

And leave behind all the feelings I can't afford,

Love, happiness, the feeling of guilt,

Ye that's right you tore down what I built.

I'm a surgeon with the steadiest of hands,

And my cigarette creates a feeling of suspense,

But why can't I amend my own fucckkin heart,

I guess I have just lost that one lonely spark.

So to fulfill my dreams or your fantasies.

I guess I'm stuck on the in betweens.

I split my tongue with the taste of regret.

I just can't stop drinking the ink from my pens....

Answer 1

I think it could use a little editing to keep the flow together but...

NICE job on some of the vivid imagery, I really liked it.

Answer 2

To remain in between is the last salvation ! No !! Learn from the experience my boy and in the fire of the suffering burn with more sweetness to gather and entwine in true love.

The poem has six stanzas. The first 3 are in general iambic pentameter and the next 3 in iambic tetrameter. This is interesting because this cuts the length in the next half , and brings the poignancy of the moment in a truer way. The rhymes are certainly adding to the pathos and sad strain of the music. But as I said earlier to you, the Katharsis of the emotions is  already present though unconsciously. Be conscious and the progress will be much faster in dealing the problems of the heart and love in a true and manly manner.