A Q on open adoptions?

Question

As a AP/PAP,having already agreed on an open adoption, if you found out the natural mother was attempting to revoke her consent because of something the agency did that was wrong, and that she had personal problem with you, would you let her see the baby?

For the people who aren't APs/PAPs, do you think APs/PAPs should allow the natural mother to see the baby even though she is attempting to revoke her consent because of agency deception/pressure?

Answer 1

camira, we've discussed my feelings about this off-board.

but...

i absolutely believe that if a n-mom contests an adoption, changes her mind, experiences coercion/deception...THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HONORING AN OPEN ADOPTION AGREEMENT.

i get ANNOYED when people fight for a child that is obviously wanted by the natural parents.  there are waaaaay too many nuances involved in adoption to simply default to "the mother signed away her rights...hence, she's SOL!"

adoption is not like the movie "juno." most fmoms don't simply "be pregnant, birth and be gone!"  it's far more complicated, as i'm sure you know.

regarding open adoption, i think that unless the nmom has a DOCUMENTED history of abuse or neglect towards the CHILD open adoption agreements should never be closed. even if the n-mom is suspected of wanting to contest the adoption.  seriously, if i were an aparent and i had an inkling of a ideal that a nmom wanted to contest an adoption, not only would i allow her to see the baby; i'd do what i could to make sure she got her kid back.

ETA: this poster IS A FIRST MOTHER. she's offering the question as a hypothetical topic for discussion.

Answer 2

Unless the first mother is likely to harm the child I don't see any reason to keep the child from her.

You hear a lot about "Oh it will be confusing". Right, What more of a mind s***w can you get than knowing your mom fought for you and you own parents denied you your mother.

Answer 3

if it weren't for this child's mother, you wouldn't even have it.  how about stepping up to the plate and keep the natural mother as involved as possible?

Answer 4

Camira,

You're the baby's first mom, right?  

Regardless, I would say that adoptive parents should honor their agreements.  If not out of respect for the first mom, and not out of honesty, then because I'd be scared to face my grown child one day when he/she asked me why I'd cut off their contact with their first mom. ("Because she wanted you back, and I wanted you all to myself" doesn't sound so good)

As an adoptive parent, if I was notified in a timely manner that there was something wrong with my adoption, I would break my own heart and give the baby back rather than try to sleep at night feeling I had stolen another woman's child.  As a matter of fact, with my first adoption, I did become worried that something might be wrong.  I had already begun searching for his mom when my friends told me not to, because "what would you do if he's stolen"?  (We adopted internationally).  At this point, I'd had him six months. He came to me as a toddler. We still pursued our search because we felt a responsibity to our son to do what was right. (Thankfully, his mom gave us her blessing).

Answer 5

That's a hard one. I would try to do what's right and not react out of fear. To love a child unconditionally is challenging. You intended to have the birth mother be part of this child's family. I would honor that. There is a chance the adoption could be undone but you knew there was a window when you made this deal. Of course you hope that it will all work out the way you want it to ...but there are no guarantees in life.  Shutting the birth mother out may actually make her fight you out of retaliation. Maybe having her come see the baby happy and healthy may help her to accept the situation as it is. Maybe it will give you an opportunity to have a very open dialog about what all of your fears and concerns are. I think if all of you, including the birth mother, are committed to this idea of "openness," then you should continue to try and build on that.

Lots of luck to you. I appreciate the difficult situation that you find yourself in.

It's also important to note that if in fact the adoption is overturned it's in the baby's best interest to have an already established relationship with the parent. Either way the baby doesn't lose.

Answer 6

Sadly, you now face the "choice" every FP has agonized over. I am terribly sorry for the pain you feel. I just wanted to add a few thoughts:

Have you thought about the hero you will be if you can swallow your feelings a little and follow through with your agreements? How grateful this mother would be to you - as you were to her? Have you thought that shutting her out might cause more problems and pain and could merely be a band-aid for you feelings at the moment?

If I were her, and you allowed me to parent my child despite your pain in letting go, I would want someone of your caliber to be involved in my child's life and would include you in my child's life. And I would keep my promises. You would be our hero. Of course, that is my opinion (- and what is told to FPs all the time). Even if you retain this child, please honor your agreement - you can still be a hero for that.

This is a heartbreaking choice, one I'm sure you never wanted to make. Please remember, she is suffering as much as you are. I hope you can both find a way to be a part of this child's life, no matter who "parents". I am sorry for your pain and wish you the best. I think you will be a wonderful parent. I hope you will be a hero too...

ETA: If you keep your agreements or decide to let this child go, you will be MY personal hero.

This is why I wonder if Co-Parenting shouldn't be a more viable option...

ETA: If the agency has done something wrong, I would be giving them h**l!!

Mom5: I'm so glad you understand what I'm trying to say! Thanks for saying it from an AP POV!

Wynner: You are an example to be looked up to.

ETA: Camira, I have been through this and it sucks. I got confused with your wording! :P But you dig where I'm coming from - you've seen my answers before! If you ever want to talk, e-mail me...

Answer 7

How old is this child???

You say a baby??

This child should be with the mother if the mother is of no harm to the child.

I'm sorry that you won't get your long awaited child to stay this time - but a child deserves to stay with the mother he/she grew inside of for 9 months. (as long as there is no harm present)

A child deserves to grow amoungst those that share the same genes - the same talents - the same looks - the same heritage.

I know you are aching for a child - or you wouldn't even give this a second thought - you'd give this child back.

But your desperation for the child is sadly clouding the 'right' thing to do here.

Reunite mother and child if that is what the mother is asking for.

Do what is right.

Do the most loving thing you could ever do for this child.

Obviously this mother was not really ready to relinquish.

How can you possibly look this child in the eyes later in life - and truly say that his/her mother wasn't able to keep him/her???

With a clear heart?????

Will you lie to the child for the remainder of his/her life????

Please.

For the child.

Reunite them - they should be together - if at all possible.

Answer 8

Hi Camira,

I went back and looked at your older questions - it looks like you changed your mind about giving up your baby three days after you signed the papers?  It's heartbreaking that you're still pursuing this now. I mean, I think you should have your baby back already.  I've read that sometimes adoptive parents & the agencies stall forever in court and then say that it's in the baby's best interest to stay with the adoptive family as they've bonded by then.  

No, it's not right that the adoptive parents have closed the adoption. They're probably doing it partly to claim in court that you're a stranger to the baby. Then again, if these parents were interested in doing the right thing, they wouldn't still be fighting you for custody, would they?  Perhaps the agency has told them lies about you, and they think you're unfit? I feel badly for everyone, but at the very least, you should have the open adoption agreement honored.

Answer 9

Hi Camira,

I understand people wanting to raise a child.  They should not want just any child.  They should only want one who is legally and ethically available for adoption.  They should remember that children are human beings who will grow up.  If they are not being abused, they deserve to stay with their family if at all possible.  They also deserve answers.  What will they be told when they ask why the open adoption arrangement the adoptive parents agreed to was not honored?  Because their mother expressed her desire to raise them?  That is unacceptable.    

If the adoption is not finalized, then it doesn't matter what the reasons are for the mother to want her child back.  Just the fact that she wants the child back is reason enough.  That's why that window of time is allowed, so she can consider whether adoption is really right for her.  Adoption is a last resort for children who have no families and no one else to raise them.  If this child's family wants them, then we should all be happy for them & consider them unavailable for adoption.  There are many other children out there who really do need homes.  This child's mother wants him/her.  How could adoptive parents live with that & face the child later when they learn what they did?  The mother & child will never fully recover from this lifetime of separation if this happens.  I believe it would be immoral & unethical to keep a child under those circumstances.  Thank you for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 10

Hi Camira,

If i gave you my word on an open adoption, i would keep my word. (no strings attached)

As an aparent, i can see the difficulty and pain First Parents go thru with adoption.  For that reason alone, i will always go above and beyond to keep our adoption open.

Best wishes and my heart goes out to you.

Answer 11

The child knows nothing about this.  The child should not be deprived his or her mother simply because of a problem in the adult world.  If the mother is not going to harm the child, then I cannot imagine what the justification would be not to honor the agreement.

Answer 12

I can only answer this as the adoptee that I am.  If I ever discovered that my aparents promised my bmom an open adoption or some visititation and then didn't follow through...I would feel that they had made a serious breech of contract WITH ME.  I would seriously re-think any sense of trust and/or confidence in them.  

So, yes.  Especially if the one or both natural parents is contesting the adoption, it is in the best interests of the child to spend time with them!

Answer 13

I, too, can only answer as an adoptee, but if I thought my mom had canceled visits out of spite I might resent it. However, if I thought my mom was worried that my bmom would try to take me - I would resent that she let me within 5 miles of my bmom. So I can't say for certain, but I think you have to decide the real reason you don't want visits.

Also, just another perspective, I think you fight for those you love, so I wouldn't resent you for fighting for me (if I was your child), but I would resent you for giving up without a fight. I guess everyone has their own opinion about these things.

Answer 14

Honour the agreement, but do it supervised.

Answer 15

We are experiencing something similar now.

If it is just regret and a verbal request for the return of the child, we will keep the adoption open.

If a court case is started and I have to spend my child's college fund on a legal battle, then the adoption will be closed.  

Children deserve a permanent home with parents that are positive they want them.  If birthparents choose adoption, they shouldn't be allowed a do-over years down the road when they finally get their act together.  

I would feel differently if they changed their mind relatively soon after signing termination papers--like within a week, not a year later.