A Question For Birth Moms From An Adoptee?

Question

I just started answering in the Adoptions section of Y!A for the first time today... I must say, I wish I had started earlier! There are so many different situations and so many excellent questions!

My particular question is to Birth Mothers who have given up their children for adoption. I'd like to get answers mainly from moms who have WILLFULLY given up their child as opposed to ones who were tricked or pressured into it, not because I think badly of them but because the former is closer to my situation than the latter.

I'm and adoptee. I was a baby when I was adopted and have, so far, had a great life with my adoptive family. But it doesn't stop me from wondering. I've wanted to meet my birth mother since around adolescence even though I've known that I was adopted since longer than I can remember. I'm just nervous about it because I haven't exactly been productive in my 24 years.

I'm just going back to school now. My life completely revolves around music. (I play 5

Answer 1

I gave my daughter up, and no matter how she turned out (skinny, fat, straight A student, high school drop out etc) I would still love her and want to be a part of her life.  

Most women who give up their children on their own free will do it because they love their child, and they want their child to have a better life.  It sounds like you have had a good life, and you are happy....and I bet you that would mean the world to her.

Answer 2

Well, Im not a birth mom, but I am an adoptee who was already reunited with my birth mom.

I am 27 years old, I found her last year. Im a little overweight and I was concerned about that, but you know what, my birthmom was overweight too!

Also, I had 2 children with 2 different dads, hadnt finished high school and was worried what she would think about that.

Well, turned out she had a couple kids all with different dads  as well. And she was a high school drop out as well although she did end up going to college.

It was really strange how similar we were even though I grew up away from her. But you cant change genetics, and baby and mother will alway have a bond even if they are not conciously aware that its there.

Just as your parents now love you, she will most likely love you as well. You sound like you are a really creative person, so I can almost bet that your birthmom is a creative person as well. So I doubt she will mind. She'll probablly love it!

There was a reason she gave you up and thats because at the time there was something going on in her life where she couldnt care for you. Nobody is perfect in life, not even your birthmother. She will just be happy to know that you are alive and safe.

Answer 3

I gave two children up for adoption in my younger years, i knew the families and it was a private adoption both times. My daughter will turn 19 this year and my son 15. I lost touch with the families a long time ago, because of personal problems, mostly my untreated bi-polar. I fear them getting in touch with me, mostly because i fear them not liking me ,or ,like you i have been unproductive in my life and am overweight. I don't know what would ahppen if they did, i just hope they don't think too badly of me.

Answer 4

I'm not a birthmom, but an adult adoptee in reunion.

Believe me when I say that she has many of the same fears you do about finding you , and how you will feel about her!

i hope you find her...

Answer 5

I also was adopted as a baby and I'm almost 50! I too have wondered stuff - but, about 20 yrs ago, I found out (I was sick & needed any medical info) that I have 4 older brothers (2 are twins!) & a younger sister! It has messed with my mind ever since - why don't they want to find me? Do they even know about me? What kind of "mother" gives away 1 & keeps 4? Do they know she had an illegitimate child?

Just the fact that you are asking means you are NOT  ready.  I'm not either - I don't want to see her - but I'd love to at least see pics of them.

Be happy with what you've got.

As for your appearance, that's another issue. When you finally realize what a great person, with a huge heart that you are, everything will fall into place.  

Guess what? I am in the middle of adopting my 15 yr old goddaughter/foster daughter (her mom recently lost her parental rights because she'll be in prison for the next 6 yrs)  

Love doesn't care what you look like. My daughter is black, I am overweight and Portuguese (raised by Arabic parents) - who gives a rat's ***?

AND, last weekend, she & I got matching tattoos on our right ankles (my first!) - beautiful red hearts with her name in mine and my name in hers! She's the most wonderful beautiful child in the world!

You were so lucky to have gotten a great life and you have more going for you than you think. Work on that - if your birth family knows what's good for THEM, they'll find you - otherwise, it's their freakin' loss!

And think about it - what if she too had other children? - you wouldn't want to disillusion them about their mother, would you? That's what I always consider - No matter how curious or empty I may feel at times, they don't deserve to be possibly hurt by your sudden surfacing.  You know what I mean?

If ever you want to talk, I'll be happy to.  It actually helps me to give this reply.  So...

Good luck to you, my sister.  Keep your chin up - you're a beautiful loving person!

Answer 6

As both a natural mom and a reunited adoptee I hope I can give you a decent answer.

When I found my mom, at 21,  my life was far from normal and sorted out and even though I was pretty normal looking, at that particular time, she got to see pics from only a few months before that showed who I really was. My mom embraced everything that I was and was very happy to hear that my life had been fairly decent. Within two years of meeting me she saw numerous holes appear and dozens of off the wall hair colours, not to mention the wild styles (think bright pink chelsea's and orange mohawks). She has never once batted an eye at my punky hair and clothes and she even got her own nose pierced and a nice bit of ink done only two years ago. She was very interested in how I went about upsizing my lobes LOL. She accepts me for who I am and is just happy to have me back in her life. Her only concern is for my size and that has zero to do with how I look and everything to do with my health, she doesn't care if I am a zero or a thirty as long as my health is good.

As for my own son I couldn't care less what he looks like or how well off he is. I just want to look at my baby and see the man he is becoming!

Answer 7

Hi Zuko

I have a blog written about my circumstances (I've listed it in Sources below) and yes do go to Adult Adoptees Advocating for change because you will find many adoptees that will echo your thoughts and some really beautiful birth/first mums too.

I was also adopted as a baby and I was also willingly given up. In fact my mother was prepared to hand me over to a stranger in a bank if the church didnt take me. That info just came to light for me at 41 years of age, pretty hard to hear that.

I did try to reunite with my birth/first mother and it didnt go well, it started to go well, she even sent me cards for that Christmas and then my birthday and signed it Love and then her name.

But it got too hard for her (after a year plus mind you) of me wanting to know my sister (older sister) she grew tired and upset at my insistence of her knowing. She did tell her well left her a box of items letters and photos that i had sent...but she didn't handle it well and the sister didn't want to know because of the way my mother handled it.

Anyway We reunited briefly and then she rejected me again.

What you look like will have no bearing on it.

IF she is prepared to get past her guilt and sadness and yes even willfully I believe that all Mothers would feel that when giving up a baby, then she will embrace you no matter what you look like..

But if she is so bitter and eaten up by guilt then you may have a hard time..

I wish you the best of luck, It can be a very painful journey and thats why reaching out to people like yourself , in the same shoes really does help

Australian Adoptee Born UK

Answer 8

I'm in a situation where I willfully gave up a 2 year old child for adoption when I was 17.  She was not abused or anything, I was just too young and alone in the world and I thought I was doing the best thing for her.  My decision was based purely out of love for her.  There was alot of pain and guilt around that decision and I could never bring myself to have another child.  I ended up adopting another child when I was better able to handle raising a child.  

My biological child and I reunited when she was 15 then fell back out of touch.  We reunited again when she was 22 and fell back out of touch again.  All I can say about this is that it is VERY difficult to try to love a child who you know is yours, and you want to love them terribly, but the pain and the guilt is so overwhelming that you cant feel the love very much.  And always wondering if they hold you responsible for the choices you made is so difficult.  I want to be around her, but being around her is a constant reminder of all the bad choices I made which affected her life.  She remembered me, and she remembered that I left her behind.  What a heartbreaker.  

But then again, I have my adopted daughter who is 12 years old now.  I love her so much and I am so thankful and so lucky to have the chance to be her mother.  I want her to know what a gift she has been to my life.  I never want her to be angry with her birth mother for giving her to me.  I want her to know that she is a blessing to everyone.  When the time comes that she meets her birth mother, I can only hope that she feels the same appreciation that I feel.  I want her to know that adoption is OK.

Answer 9

I can't answer for your birthmother, as much as I'd love to.  I think Possum is spot on with what you need to hear in this answer though.

Answer 10

Hiya Zuko,

Great question - you've voiced many of the concerns that so many adoptees feel. (these fears had me running in circles for years!!)

I also waited and waited to search and reach out - because I thought I wasn't good enough.

I guess it comes down to an adoptees fear that if they weren't good enough to keep in the first place - then perhaps they'll never be good enough!?

Or even the pressure that if you were given up for a better life - you'd better have turned out 'well' to show it was a 'success'.

Either way - it's a whole heap of head mess for we adoptees.

Anytime you need some support from other adoptees - from all different places - and all different stories - head on over to the adoptee forum -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

No matter what - I'm hoping your first mother will be proud of you - whatever your achievements.

You're an adoptee - you've lived it - you've had to live with the head-mess of being given away by your mother (whether it was willingly or by pressure) and having to assimilate into a family of complete strangers- you're compassionate - you're a survivor - that's something to be very very proud of!!!

Take care of you.

ETA: the above poster hit on a very real issue - mostly our mothers are scared that we won't accept them.

It's like a catch-22.......one is waiting for the other to search......and hoping that they'll be accepted for who they are.

Answer 11

Hi Zuko,

I just wanted to say I've always had a lot of feelings of not being 'good enough' for my mom or feeling if she ever met me, she'd be disappointed in me. I'm 44 and I still torture myself with thoughts like that sometimes.

What Possum said is 100% correct. Come hang at the forum in the link she gave you if you ever want to be with other adoptees. It's a good place.

Answer 12

Hi,I'm a birthmom my birthson will be 18in a couple of months.I hope he wants to find me. I think some nervousness is prolly normal on all sides.As a birthmom and mom of 4,it would not matter at all if you haven't gotten your life completely together.I know some adults that still haven't gotten it right.Best of luck to you.

Answer 13

Why would she be disappointed?  You are very talented!  As for tats, piercings or whatever...that doesn't make a person bad.  And FYI:  Everyone has something about themselves they are not fond of...even the prettiest/skinniest women think they're ugly.

If she regrets placing you up for adoption, that is something she will have to deal with.  A lot of us b-moms regret it, but it's not because we think the other parents were horrible...its because we love our children and it was a VERY hard choice to make.

I know you're scared to meet her...who wouldn't be?  I'm scared to death to meet my son.  But after 13 years, I'm finally ready! It took a long time to get rid of the guilt and pain I had.  Well, I still have it but its not nearly as bad.  You never know...she could've been waiting all this time to meet you.

Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 14

You can't or shouldn't live your life in fear. She will see what she wants to see, you will be perfect to her. We all have our flaws and that's what makes us unique, she's probably thinking the same thing you are, with a couple of extra fears, like will my daughter hate me for giving her up and will she ever forgive me..