A Question for Adoptive Parents.?

Question

If you found out less than 24 hours after placement that a natural mother wanted her child back or if at any point you found out that the mother was truly tricked/forced/coerced into giving her child up, would you return the child. If not, please give a reason. I'm trying to figure out the mindset of adoptive parents in general and this is not meant to be an offensive or accusatory question.

Answer 1

When my relative relinquished her daughter to us at birth I asked her over and over...."Are you sure?" I would rather she change her mind before we took her home.

At six weeks we were ordered to return DD back to her father then the judge made an about face and overruled his original decision when it was discovered the biological father was a s*x offender and had warrants for his arrest due to failure to register and to complete aa outpatient s*x offender program.

The biological mother had no clue of his past and she asked what we planned to do. Our attorney filed paper work in family court where we sought temporary custody when a psychological evaluation showed that he was a danger to children.

He disappeared on and off for years.....he never asked for visitation and last year we found him and he told that judge he is not stable enough to raise a six year old.

Three years ago we returned a child to his natural mother when she changed her mind a week later. And we were not ordered too... she called an asked. And we kept contact she and her son are doing very well. We may not have been his parents but we could not stop loving him.

Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy...but I know it wasn't easy for her to make the call either. We could tell she was conflicted and she felt bad for us....imagine that!

Our dds natural father is incarcerated for rape...again.

The mommy of the little boy we wanted to adopt  just received her associates degree in nursing.

Both of our adoption experiences are very different.....but we would not change them for the world.

Answer 2

I don't know about alot of adopted couples but the ones that stole my grandson Knew that the Father was begging for his son not to be taken. He begged so much the social worker put in her notes what was happening and filed a complaint with the state board on the adoption agenics social worker. But do you think this stop the couple h**l no . They with the agenics  hid this child for over 16 months from the father >The father went through h**l and back wondering where his child was.And that is one reason I don't feel sorry for them being sued with the adoption agenicy and the social worker.

   YES I WOULD GIVE THE CHILD BACK DOWN THE ROAD I WOULDN'T WANT THE CHILD TO FIND OUT THAT THEY COULD HAVE HAD THERE REAL MOM OR DAD IN THERE LIFE AND I CHOSE TO TAKE THEM ANYWAY.

Answer 3

At the hospital, the first mom of my son had arranged to meet with me.  She said she had something to tell me.  She started to cry, and I said, "So, you've changed your mind."  When she said no, but she had done an illegal drug the day he was born, I was mad at her for doing that, but at the same time I was relieved.  Luckily, our son is perfect now, and doesn't seem to be affected by the 1 bad choice.  I had discussed it with her before, that if she changed her mind, that we already loved him, and to please don't just shut us out completely.   We've offered contact, but she's not tried at all, even though I hear she's clean now, and doing really good.

I've been through the rejection before, and even if the baby isn't born yet, when a prospective birth parent changes their mind, it is like miscarrying all over again.  You grieve, you hurt, and for the baby, you pray a lot, and always wonder, "what happened to 'my' baby?".  I think in a way, it's like feeling what the birth moms do, when they can't keep a chid and surrender it to the adoptive parents.  In one way, adopting a child is so wonderful, but especially this week, during Mother's day week, I wonder where our son's first mom is, and if she's alright.  I think when we do adopt, in a way, I have a type of survivor guilt, wrapped up and overcome with such joy at being a mom again!

Answer 4

24hrs for surei will give the child back because the adoption is no where close to being finalized .  As for the others that would depend.  If they child is with me for 2 or more years i think it would disrupt them . I would  make every effort to include her as family

Answer 5

If I found out that at ANYTIME before finalization then she just changed her mind, I wouldn't fight it. I'd be terribly sad, but how can that even compare he the feeling of a MOTHER losing her baby against her wishes. My sons adoption ws final at 20 months or so. I knew going in that if she had any reservations about his placement, that I wasn't someone who would stand in the way of a mother and her baby.

Tell me that she was forced, I'd help her find a hit man. (Of course Not the last part but you get the idea.)

I wish more felt this way, but it just isn't true. So many people just want a baby ANY baby no matter who they hurt that they will fight and fight.

If it's not right, then it's not right. Why can't people accept that?

I wish you all the luck.

Answer 6

Yes.  It is more important that the birthfamily has peace with the decision.  I will get over the loss, she may not.

Answer 7

Less than 24 hours.  Of course.

Answer 8

I am an adoptive mother. If I found out within a REASONABLE amount of time, yes i would give the baby back. Most people that adopt are not out to take babies that are still wanted by the biological parents. We are hoping to adopt children that are in need of good homes and who need lots of love.

Answer 9

If she had changed her mind, any time before finalization, we'd have fought to give him back to her.

Unfortunately, in the state in which we adopted, TPR is final upon signing, with no revocation period, and it would have been an uphill battle to get her rights reinstated.

Answer 10

As long as it in the child's best interest, I will do whatever is best for the child.  Parenting is not about the needs of the parent, but the needs of the child.  Yes, I will be upset, but I know what I have signed up for as an AP and this is one of the "risks" for me associated with adoption.

However, if years go by, then I think it is unreasonable for a nmom to decide to claim full custody of that child.  I have bonded with her and taken care of her and she has become my daughter in my heart and soul.  So while I would NEVER deny her access to her n-family; I would hope her n-family would be respectful of our family's feelings as well and do what is truly in her best interest.

Answer 11

I am not an adoptive parent, but I have worked with many as a social worker.

I think the important thing to remember when dealing with children is to always put the child's best interests first.

That being said, if the mother wanted the child back within 24 hours of placements, many states have laws to this effect. The state I am in says that the birth parens have 48 hours after signing away parental rights to change their minds (we actually looked into doing a private, in family, adoption ourselves). If the law stated the mother gets the child back, I would return the child (amongst many tears). If the law wasn't clear on this fact, I would probably still return the child to the birth mother.

However, if later down the road the birth mother claims that she was coerced, etc ... This is where the best interest of the child comes into play. If you've had a child in your home for many years thinking of you as a parent and forming attachments, removing the child from this can cause some negative consequences for the child. Many studies have been done on this and there is a great book called "A child's journey through placement" by Dr. Vera Fahlberg. In this case, I would involve the mother in the child's life as much as possible, without breaking attachments ... more forming new attachments.

I hope this helps. If you are considering adopting, it is one of the most wonderful things you can do and don't forget to look at those kids "in the system" for possible adoption - they need you the most!

Good Luck.

Answer 12

Of course.  A first mother has a specified time to legally change her mind after placement.

Answer 13

Actually yes...this happened to us...it broke my heart but my husband and I would never want to stand in the way of any family who wanted to parent.

The papers were signed, legally we didn't have to give the baby up but her birth mom wanted her back and we didn't want to keep her from her baby. She wasn’t strong armed or coerced into placing. Everyone said we were crazy but our goal was to adopt a baby who needed a home not take a baby from her family. It took me a long time to start the adoption process again.

We still believe in open adoption and we are searching for a baby girl to adopt, our homestudy is done, the nursery is ready and so are we…

Would we make that choice again yes…

I hope this helps…