A collection of poems by me, read them all, read one...either way will you please tell me what you think?

Question

Soft mist sprays on my face

I sit on the rocks and stare at the ocean

as I realize it puts me in my place

The way the waves roll and crash against the shore

remind me how vulnerable I am

the fish that swim against the current

show me a spirit in nature

The seagulls flying up above

tell me to focus on the big picture and the details

The sun is setting

quickly the air is cooling

I take one last glimpse at my love

breathe in the salt air

let the mist caress my face

and turn to another day

Here is another one:

There is a vine growing on the door of the old house

such a beautiful sight

the way the moonlight hits the windows

is almost like watching the birth of a brand new star

the lawn is overgrown

like a wild jungle filled with things unknown

past the sights I hear sounds

The chorus of crickets

more beautiful than the violin

There is a gentle pitter-patter of the wind blowing

through the blinds

a sound of a gentle summer night

the rustling of the leaves against the bricks

as soothing as a babbling brook

everyone hates this old house

complains of the rickety wood and the smell of sawdust

but to me it is a second home

And a third:

I look deep within myself

looking for the texture of my mind

with my inner eye/ all I see is padded walls and the color white

In the corner I see

suddenly a flash of color

Red?

Maybe its blood?

No its a rose

a sweet, sweet rose

Its petals as subtle as a gentle kiss

or an uunknown glance

It reminds me of something

something, perhaps I have long forgot?

No a past unforgotten

a familiar voice floats through my mind

his voice/ his lips brush mine then he is gone

like smoke caught in the wind

his name comes back to me

I call out for him/ I hear manic laughter

Insanity my, sweet love, you came back to me

Answer 1

great now tell me your opinion about mine am a bigginer soo dont be harsh

your is very nice and beautiful i liked it

mine:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 2

Pretty weak.  Allow me to look at it futher and I will give my critique.

Edit:  To be honest I was going to work through them all and tell you the individual errors within each of them, but I've been so turned off by the first one, I just can't do it.  So, it's sweeping generalization time.  

Problems (in no specific order of importance):

1.  Word choice.  You use a lot of ordinary, daily words in your poems.  It's not necessary to look through the thesaurus for the most obscure word you can find, but failing to dig deeper (within your own vocabulary or even in books) for a better word that suits your purpose and has the ability to catch someone's eye will turn off many readers.

2.  Conjugations of the verb "to be" (examples: is, are, were, was, etc. however, there are many more in the English language)  Your poems contain many of these and they are a surefire way to weaken your writing.  By using these words you don't state anything about the nature of the object in question - you simply state its existence.  A good way to deal with this is by eliminating all (or as many as you can) of the "to be" forms and replacing them with action verbs.  Even if it is an inanimate object you can describe its motion or lack thereof, thus giving your reader a better idea of the nature of the object.  (Example:  The tree stood stoically in the yard).  Doing this will improve all of your writing (not just poetry) tenfold.

3.  Avoid cliches at all costs.  I came across three definite examples and at least four more that I would consider cliches (even if they are not actually cliched sayings, I feel that the imagery is seen together everywhere you look and thus it feels hackneyed or cliched).  The fact of the matter is no one likes cliches.  We all get a bad taste in the back of our throats when we hear them and sometimes we want to commit physical violence against the person that said them for being such a mindless hack.

4.  Writing poems in Free Verse - Writing good poems in free verse is an incredibly hard thing to do.  Although the prospect looks appealing to everyone (I was in some very poetry-intensive English classes when I was in Jr. High and I thought "Free verse - how easy is this!") you oftentimes run the risk of your poem sounding like stream of consciousness (i.e. the mind rambling on and on) rather than a poem.  Although this worked for some people (see: Jack Kerouac) I wouldn't recommend it as a good approach for the masses.  Although free verse poems are "free" in some respects (from the traditional boundaries of more classical forms of poetry) they still need a very definitive structure.  It's a lot like writing an essay or report - introduce your subject, make your points or observations on it, back them up with concrete examples, conclude by tying the whole thing together with the original theme.  This is a very basic explanation but one that I feel could work well for your scenario.  I would also recommend minimalizing the sentences continuing on from line to line.  This makes it appear like you are just taking up space and also runs the risk of sounding like stream of consciousness.

5.  Use of verbs without adverbs.  This is a lot like the conjugations of "to be" problem.  By saying something is "growing" or "walking" or anything really, you're oversimplifying the object and failing to give it character.  How does it do what it does?  What emotions does this evoke from you/should this evoke from the reader?

6.  Use of nouns without adjectives.  This is a lot like the previous problem, however I feel that it is the least important of your characterization problems because action is more moving (no pun intended) than inaction.  (Someone once said "If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a film is worth a million" or something like that.  Although it seems a bit hackneyed and cliched, there is a lot of truth in that sentiment.  Personally I'd go for good old prose, but as human beings we are creatures of convenience, therefore you can comprehend a situation better by viewing it in its entirety as a chronological sequence of events rather than seeing specific snapshots of the situation in question.)  That being said, it is definitely more important to characterize and develop your verbs better than your nouns because your verbs carry the story whereas your nouns are being carried by the story (if that makes any sense).  However they are both important and they both need work.  That being said, use caution.  If you have an adjective for every noun (or adverb for every verb) it will simply sound ridiculous and extremely long-winded.  Read through your poem and try to decide what point you're trying to make and then decide which aspects need to be more developed to achieve your aims and which need to be left alone.

7.  Repetition - repetition can be a very powerful tool for the writer, however most things that are repeated need not be and not all poems need to employ repetition.  By using repetition you are stressing the importance of this object or action on the reader and essentially saying "look at this! it was so important I had to mention it more than once!".  Needless to say, saying this too many times can have adverse reactions and make the reader neglect your points or your work as a whole.  If you do feel you need to repeat something, make sure that it is certainly something that needs repeating.

Now comes the good part.  Although your application is poor, your subject matter is great.  The first poem sounds like something in the tone of Henry David Thoreau (especially that bit about the fish swimming against the current) who was an amazing writer and poet.  As far as the third goes I enjoy poems about the psyche a lot, but I think it's a little predictable and formulaic.  I would remove the questions (or turn them into statements) and play with the form a bit to give the appearance of insanity.  Make points, leave them, address something else/concrete evidence (a previous point or one in the future), come back to the original, etc. etc. and then end it with your formal declaration.  I would also remove the insanity "coming back" part because insanity doesn't ever really leave you nor will it ever come back.  It is always there underneath the surface waiting to be acknowledged.  Personally, I think the second poem has the best chance to become a really great poem.  Good strong imagery (could be better), absolutely terrible ending.  If I were you I would remove the human element ("everyone" as well as yourself) and simply speak on the house as an entity in its own right.  Breathe life into it with better verbs and construct a living creature out of this house, the yard, etc. rather than making it a construct for living creatures.  I think if you do that it could be amazingly poignant and beautiful.  But that's just my opinion.

Anyway, hope this was helpful and if you do choose to revise them, please email them to me (my email is in my profile) because I would like to see what you come up with, especially for the second poem.  Good luck.

Answer 3

the last one was the best..it was really psycho..in a good way