A complicated family situation, any advice welcome..?

Question

okay.. today was quite stressful and I was wondering if anyone could spread some light of my situation. if anybody has been through a similar or the same problem your advice would be appreciated.

My sister is going out with a boy (his 17) who me and my family disapprove of. However we understand we can't break them up and it is down to her to make that decision. His attitude towards her upsets my mum a great deal and to make matters worst she isn't well. She has been in and out of hospital for over a year now and i feel the family is falling apart. I'm at an age where i want to leave home and secure my own future but i feel obligated to stay and help. What i want isn't the problem tho. I'm most concerned for my entire family and i want to sort this mess out but don't know how.

My sister's behaviour doesn't help either. She is 16 and has just left school. she mucked about during her exams and cause my parents a lot of grief. Also whilst my mum was in hospital she didn't visit once or ask how she was. She doesn't stay at home that much either and the only time she does is when her boyfriend is allowed to. My mum has had arguments with my sister over this. Because she shares a room with my two younger sisters. they are only 13 and 15 and very innocence. when her boyfriend stays him and her sleep in the same bed together. Which my mum didn't know until the other day. He also sleeps in his boxers which i find completely disrespectful. But i can't say anything because I'm made out to be in the wrong. My mum has now made it clear he isn't allowed to stay. Also to add to the problem my mum found out that they are both sexually active. her initially reaction was to put her on the pill, which she did, but my mum is not condoling it. I believe she feels stuck and since her operation she has been bed ridden. Some days she will be able to get around and she will even seem like her usual self. however this can quickly dissipate if my sister comes home.

My dad finds himself torn as well. him and my mum try to work together and stay firm but my sister will manipulate both of them. A typical weekday (he works weekends) for dad is caring for my mum and looking after the house. my sister will normally come back from her boyfriends around midday. She then normally has a bath changes her clothes and asks for money. She uses excuses to get him to give her money. for instance, she will tell him she needs to get the bus or she owes her boyfriend money. I know she smokes because she has told me and the money she gets off my dad she use to buy cigarettes. However my parent are the sort of parents who will try to make their children happy no matter what. but she take advantage.

The other day my sister and mum got into an argument. My mum told her she has to sort out getting a job or going to college. However she went off on one. she started swearing at my mum in front of my nan and stormed up to her room. when she was in the hallway she was shouting hurtful things. I.e. i hope you die (meaning my mum) and you should have died in hospital etc.. when she got in her room my little sister was asleep but had woken up from the shouting. the next day my little sister told me the conversation she had overheard my sister and her boyfriend having. she said the boyfriend had said I'm sick and tired of your family always putting me down. if they carry on I'm going to get people involved. Also he said if your fat little sister keeps saying stuff about me I'm going to slap her in her face. Since my mum found out what he said she has told my sister he is not allowed in the house.

Today i was re-tiling my bathroom when he came round. He went up to my sister's room. so i called her and asked her to come out so i could talk to her. I told her mum had said his not allowed in, but she said she had asked my mum and mum had said its ok because his just picking up his stuff. i said ok. but then she asked why isn't her boyfriend allowed in when my little sister gets away with calling him names and stuff. i said she hasn't got away with anything because she has been pulled her up about it. then i brought up what her bf had said before. she said who every told you that was lying. But then her boyfriend started shouting. he said something a long the lines of " whos chatting **** about me. you all wanna watch". i instantly reacted by shouting back and saying "don't talk to me or anyone like that in my house, carry on and you can get out". My mum and dad wasn't here to calm the situation down, as they were at the hospital. so it escalated, he then said "come on then". so i replied by saying "you aren't going to do nothing if so I'm standing here". he then told me to watch my back because his going to get people after me. Although I didn't find it funny at the time, I'm actually laughing right now :D afterwards my older sister got involved and there was more shouting until he ran out of the house and my sister ran after him.

I know th

Answer 1

Your mom and dad need to be a little harder on your sister than what they are right now. No exeptions. The reason why your sister is acting the way she is its because of her boyfriend he is probably playing mind games with her, its not entirely all her fault. What needs to be done is your dad needs to put all this to a stop the reason i say dad does is because mom is to ill and obviously lets her get away with having a boyfriend in the home. So my advice is to tell dad to grow a pair and tell your sister off, make sure she can never ever speak to her boyfriend again cause he is causing more problems with your sister than you know. Once the dad steps in and tells that lil guy that he is not welcomed over he is not to call the house and he is never allowed to see his daughter again things will get rocky but if he sticks to his grounds it should go away and have your dad take your sister with him to the hospital so he can keep an eye on her at all times. As for you a nice long talk with your sister alone may help her and you get a little closer and the only thing i recommend on that is for you to listen more than to speak let her do all the talking and just comfort her.

Answer 2

it is hard to fix a problem like this that should have been done when your sister was small.

under no circumstances should your parent's ever have allowed this boyfriend to live there especially since they have an obligation to their other children to see the right example is set so these girls, also,  do not go down the right path.

You ask why doesn't your sister care that your mom is sick and the answer is because she is 16 most likely..at that age the last thing on our minds is our parents.  Our peers and boyfriends are what we think and care about...we tend to be egocentric when that age.  I know I was.

When she is older, she may see things more clearly especially when she becomes a mother herself (which hopefully is a long way from now)

Unfortunately, when parents disapprove of our choice in a mate, this tends to make the person defend them more, feel for the person and often even marry them to show them, so it is wise to keep this dislike to themselves as usually we will outgrow the bad choice when some time passes if not made very aware that one's parents dislike him with ups our empathy and blindness to his flaws in our rush to prove our parents wrong and defend him.

This situation should not be your burden, but I feel you are likely a blessing to your parents.  Still, it is a grown up problem that they need to discuss and come up with a united plan for-- that they stick with.  By saying this I do not mean to imply you are a kid or immature or anything like that, but rather that it is not something you are meant to be doing at this point in your life starting out.

Somehow, you must reduce your own stress and do some fun things to get your mind off all this..it is very unfair of your sister to do this but people that age are notoriously self centered and thinking they are right, very emotional and volatile even when they were not spoiled.  Even excellent kids give their parent's headaches when they are teens and often rebel in some way like she seems to be doing to her detriment with smoking as it is very hard to quit once started and my dad died of lung cancer and it is a terrible way to die..but she will not quit until she wants to quit, so best not to let it upset you too much.

It must hurt your mom a great deal that her child did not visit her in the hospital and says that mean stuff about she wished she would die./.we both know if that were to happen, this is not what any child really wants but we say stuff like that when angry to hurt the person back..noone can hurt us so much as someone who knows us well and pushes the buttons the best.

The fact your parents let this boy sleep in the same room with two younger sisters was a very bad idea and must stop immediately...your parents then need to tell their others children they made a big mistake in allowing this and talk about why sleeping with a boyfriend this young is bad and admit they gravely erred but from this point on are going to try to be more firm and make better decisions..this example cannot just be ignored.  

And if your parents get firm, expect her to pull any tantrums in the book to get her way..it will likely be a lot worst before it is better but if they are consistent and never , ever yield or slip one time,. her behavior will eventually get better once she understands they mean business...this is if she does not run away..

This is how we reinforce a rule but always being consistent..if we say a child cannot do something and 25 times we stick with our and one time give in or ignore it, psychologists have found the behavior will continue longer than if we never messed up that one time, sometimes a lot longer, so be very consistent and never give in to get the behavior to more effectively stop.

Men can and do inadvertently expose themselves when wearing boxers but since he hopefully will no longer be allowed to sleep in your home ever again, this problem will cease.

She must not be given but a small allowance and must be made to earn any additional money not just get handed it..a job perhaps if she can handle her studies better...this would also reduce the time spent with him.

She should be told if she borrows money, it is up to her to work somehow to pay him back and it is not her parent's job to do that and if she bulks and screams,  tough..walk out of the room or leave the house if possible.

Permissive parents do not make their children happy in the long run. true love is demonstrated by being strict and loving at the same time when need be.  More than unconditional love, is unconditional commitment to the child's best interests.

In college studying to be a teacher we studied baumrind's parenting style..a too permissive (your parents) and a too strict parent turn out the same kind of child..one who has dependency needs, anger problems, is self centered and irresponsible..the only style that turns out good adults is the authoritative parenting (not authoritarian which is the label for the too strict, unloving parent)

The best style is the authoriitive, who use a blend of strictness and love. for studies show that too much love and not enough boundaries and strictness is as bad as a dominating parent who shows a I am in charge and will give you something to cry about, demanding, mean, uncaring kind of person as both have the same results although the too loving parent may seem better outwardly.