A coworker adopted a son from a family member...How and when to tell him?

Question

The boy has no contact with the birthparents or that part of the family. (This is a good thing, a legal thing.) But my friend is wondering when and how she & her husband should explain the situation to him. He is only 3 right now. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Now.  They should discuss adoption with him, in an age appropriate fashion, all his life.  It's very easy to absorb the idea that there's something wrong or shameful about being adopted, and the adoptive parents will only (unintentionally of course!) add to this they don't talk about adoption freely, openly, and often.

Answer 2

There are some books they could find at the bookstore or Amazon  here are just a few titles geared towards the age range of the child you mentioned.  There are many more just go to Amazon and do a search of adoption

Over the Moon: An adoption tale

The day we meet you.

How I was adopted.

Here is a book your friend might think of getting her herself and her spouse.

Talking with young children about adoption.

Answer 3

I think it would be best that he grow up always knowing where he came from. that way it doesn't come as a shock to him when he gets older.

Answer 4

When the child starts asking where he came from around 5 years old i would say. This way their is no shock and disbelief.  Plus with it being in the family it won't take long for him to find out anyways better from his parents  than others.

Answer 5

As soon as possible.

Those that find out later go through a period of shock - a period that last longer the later they're told - as finding out that your whole life was not how you thought - can be a pretty bad mind-game.

They should tell him NOW.

Answer 6

at three he is not going to understand. i would tell as soon as he would understand. i think 8 or so

Answer 7

I think he should have already been told. It's best if he grows up always knowing how he joined the family.  We have told our child "his story" over and over again, starting before he could even talk.  If she has pictures of his birth family I think it would help a lot to show pictures of them to him early on, so he always knows what his birth family looks like, and what similarities he shares with them.

Answer 8

He needs to be told the truth as early as possible. Begin now by reading adoption stories to him.  Also make his adoption experience into a story to tell to him about how he became a part of your family . Keep it simple and age appropriate. It's OK to say the word "adoption" and it's OK to point out that he grew in someone elses tummy.Check out adoptivefamilies.com for resources.

Answer 9

i am adopted and i was told around 3 or 4. My parents brought a book on adoption for kids it was a great story that explained it in terms i could understand This was in the 1960's so i am sure there are even better books that cover even more situations now days. There are some great adoption boards i am sure they could reccomend a few good ones. Try googling adoption message boards

i think the added family aspect should be told but a little later when things are able to be understood better by him.

Just Please be Honest in everything the dishonest methods have proven to shatter some of the strongest relationships

Answer 10

He should be told now.But in terms that a 3 year old can understand. The finer details as to what his birth parents are should wait until he is old enough to understand and emtionally handle it. They shouldn't be negative towards his birth parents or anything like that. But just tell him he is adopted. and wait about the other stuff.

Answer 11

Tell him now.

He may know who his mother and daddy are.  I know he has questions. He surely FEELs something that is not being addressed.

Kids are smart. Tell him they CHOSE him, they love him.

Do not say anything bad about his family, even if it is true. He will identify with it , and get a bad feeling about himself.

Get books on adoption-little kids books on it, and let them help your friend.

Let him ask questions and answer with love, honesty and his best interests at heart.