A day at the beach poem...after listening to a lot of advice..would you care to comment?

Question

The Beach

by Jonni F.

Laying at the edge of the ocean,

feeling Atlantic's caress,

sand like powdered diamonds

covers me like a dress.

The strength of the waves

restores my faith,

the breezes ease my soul,

the sun embraces my body,

and once again, I'm whole.

Answer 1

I like the image of the ocean vesting you as well as caressing you while you are lying there. Strength of waves restores faith, Breezes ease the soul, Sun embraces body, And again you're whole.  A healing poem. Thank you.  I feel the waves, the sun, the breeze, and I lie there too.

Answer 2

Beautiful poem.  I really like it.

Answer 3

Your "sand like powdered diamonds" line rings true and beautiful. Great metaphor...I think that's the device. (I'm terrible at the names and definitions of poetic devices, sorry). But it was beautiful and brought back good memories of the oceans I've visited. Thanks, jonni

Answer 4

The Beach Poem: My version

So much to see

So much to do

At the beach,

as I walk along the shore

taking in the fresh air,

along with the nature

One should make sure

they have the sunscreen

or they can get sun burned.

A person can go swimming in the lake

Other activities would be to go sailing

One person can go surfing, water-skiing

After these activities hunger will set in

So a person can have a picnic

watermelon, or lemonade.  

Answer 5

There is simply nothing wrong with embracing the beauty of existence.  Your words prove this.  Excellent picture.

Answer 6

The flow of the last few lines, I feel needs to be worked on, and seems to end abruptly. I like L3 and L4, they are very pretty lines and paint a nice visual

Answer 7

Very nice images hers, especially L3 & L4.  Look at the editing below for maybe another way of  stating your words.

Lying at ocean's edge

feeling Atlantic's caress

Waves restore my faith,

breezes ease my soul.

Body, embraced by sun,

once again....I'm whole.

Answer 8

Lovely and soothing.  I could smell the salt air as I read it.

Answer 9

I can imagine. Just keep away from SHARKS, that is one way to stay WHOLE. Very descriptive U made me live the moment (as an observer) :)

Answer 10

Your poetry is improving. However, I hope you were lying and not "laying" on that beach.

Answer 11

its really good

i liked the part of the sand like powdered diamonds

but u can improve it more than saying covers me like a dress

but its really good

Answer 12

very nice imagery and a lot less wordy than some earlier works,

I get "lay" and "lie" confused as well...

Lots of improvement here!

Answer 13

sounds nice I would give it two thumbs up. keep up the good work

Answer 14

I love this!

The healing power of nature is amazing.