A destination wedding as a way to exclude relatives.?

Question

My daughter is planning a destination wedding on some island. Sounds good but it is perfectly suited to excluding relatives while including yuppie friends. The cost of flying into an island is going to exclude many relatives who can't afford it or resent having an expensive forced vacation when and where they don't want to have a vacation. Other relatives have kids in school so they're not coming. I think six relatives will come total. Her elderly grandmother isn't going to be able to come (she's in her 90's with health problems), because she can't fly (but she will get into a car). Her fiance 's only sister can't come because of the cost.

On the other hand, she and her fiance work with single or childless couples with large discretionary income. I think about 30 of them will come.

I want to see if there is some other compromise that has worked for someone. Perhaps a mainland resort wedding and then the couple flies off (with or without her yuppie friends) to an island?

Answer 1

Pardon me, but you sound like you don't even like your daughter--it sounds like you really disapprove of her lifestyle because she is financially successful, as are her friends.

I'm sorry her wedding plans are a disappointment to you, but you don't refuse to attend your daughter's wedding out of sour grapes. Instead of giving her the amount you originally planned on giving to her, why not use some to pay for the travel expenses of the other daughter who cannot afford to go. That way, she'll be able to attend her sister's wedding, you'll have yoru kids there, the couple will get the kind of wedding they want, and you can still plan a small family party for when they return.

Answer 2

As a daughter, I think I'd appreciate it if my mother spoke what was truly on her mind (no matter how offended I'd act like at the beginning).

Maybe they can cut back the cost of the destination wedding and have a small reception when they get back. I'm sure there can be a compromise. If not you'll have to turn the tables and make her understand how she'd like it if she couldn't attend her own sister's or granddaughter's wedding, etc.

Of course this is her wedding but at the same time, this is no time to be selfish and to disrespect elders and family and possibly hurt relationships in the future just for the sake of some silly island. This isn't just about money. It's about respect.

Either way, I honestly think you should go if you can... It's your daughter's wedding and if you can be included then don't do otherwise.

All the best.

Answer 3

I think you're misunderstanding her - I'm sure she does not deliberately intend to "exclude" relatives. If she were that mean, it would be easier to have a local wedding and just not invite them. When she decided to have a destination wedding, she surely realized that some guests would be unable to attend because of travel time and cost.

If you don't like the situation, you can contribute financially to the wedding or not, and you can go or not. But you can't make her change the plans of a wedding that she's paying for. Is this really so dire that you would refuse to go to your own daughter's wedding? Think about what that will do to your relationship with her. Is it worth it?

What if she has her destination wedding, and then has a reception at home several weeks later for family and other friends?

Answer 4

Wow.  Bitter much?

The question is who's paying for the wedding.  If you are, then sure be upset and try to find a compromise.

If they are, then shut it.  Their wedding they way they want it.

Perhaps their closer with their "yuppie friends" than they are with their family.  Nothing wrong with that.

It just seems that you're not getting your way and are ticked.

Edit** So you're trying to use the money to control what happens...not a good thing.  If this is what they want then let them do it-with or without your money.  

It really sounds like all of you need to have a sit down grown up discussion.  Express your concerns and let her express hers.

I'm not particularily fond of many of my family members and would have preferred having more of our friends at the wedding, but I gave in to family pressure and did things the way they wanted and why should someone have to do that?

Many of my family members are biggoted a**es and would not approve of many of my friends.  My friends are the ones who I can turn to-not my family.  Perhaps your daughter feels the same way.

Answer 5

If she and her fiance are paying for their own wedding, then  it's their call where to have the wedding and who should be invited. Sorry, but it's not everyone's cup of tea to have a large wedding and have the stress and cost of a giant family wedding.  And wow, you sound really bitter about couples who don't have to live paycheck to paycheck -- I haven't heard "yuppie" used as such a dirty word since Gordon Gecko in the 1980s.  If the rest of the family is as vocal (one might even say "tactless") about money/class issues as your question suggests you are, then I don't blame the couple for not wanting family members at their wedding making their friends uncomfortable.

Answer 6

As much as parents want to be involved in the planning and the actual ceremony, they have to accept that it is the Bride and Groom's day, not the family's.....

So you are saying they should forgo on the plans they want (and they are paying for themselves, I assume) because family members RESENT having to take a vacation when they don't want to!?

The people without enough money I can understand, but those that CHOOSE not to go, I wouldn't want at my wedding....

You also have to understand the pressure she is in to invite everyone and their mothers to an in-state wedding, versus only covering the few that can make it to the island wedding....

Personally, I'm doing mine in a cruise ship.... It saves me a lot of money that I will use to help pay for some of my guests travel expenses, the people that I WANT at my wedding....

I got sick and tired of trying to dodge the rude, inconsiderate people that were inviting themselves to my wedding....

I want family and close, LOVING friends there, who actually care to see me get married, not freeloaders, looking for free food and booze....

Sorry, but that's the reality of it....

And if she's paying for it (Like we are) I don't think anyone else has the right to put demands and complain about the planning, unless they are ready to pitch in for the difference it would cost her to have the wedding where it is convinient for the crabby guests)

If she has the extra money, and there is someone in particular that she wants to be present, but can't because of money issue, I'm sure she'll arrange to help out with the extra expenses.... Everyone else can either cough up the money or stay home....They would still have something to complain about, no matter where the wedding is held..... You can't make everyone happy....

Answer 7

Let them have their destination wedding - whoever can make it will attend.  You can always have a small reception for family and friends who couldn't make it after they return home - if they wish, but it is not necessary.  To me, when they do that, it seems they're still looking for wedding gifts from the people who didn't/couldn't attend.  I think it's tacky, but many people do it.

Answer 8

Who ever is paying for this wedding gets to decide where, when and how. If you’re paying, you’re more than welcome to take back your contribution if you don’t like how it’s being spent.

If this couple is paying for everything themselves, they are well within their rights to have the wedding they want where they want

Answer 9

Well normally when people have a destination wedding they plan a reception for when they get back, so that people can still celebrate without having to take a vacation. Maybe they really wanted a small ceremony, but would like to celebrate with family at a larger reception when they get back.

Answer 10

Even though not as many people will be able to come, there are some really cool perks to a destination wedding.  I attended one in Greece a few weeks ago.  If you think of a normal wedding, everybody shows up it's over quickly, there may be a reception but the couple doesn't get to spend any real time with guests.  With a destination wedding though, people generally show up a few days early.. You get to spend quality time with all of your guests and they all get to spend quality time with each other.   The originality and memories of a wedding in a cool place are also a plus.

Maybe as a compromise you could have a wedding shower or.. post wedding reception somewhere at home where more family and friends could attend without the cost issue, but they still get their memorable destination wedding.