A doozy of a problem... kind of long, but I NEED HELP!

Question

I'll try to make this as quick as I can. I am getting married for the first time in March 09. This is not turning out to be a happy time for me. My Mom is being a HUGE problem... First off, my parents are divorced and do not get along (on my moms side of things) and she hates my step mom. They have each been remarried for 14/15 years. My Mom wants my step dad to walk me down the aisle either alone or with my father, while I am planning on having my dad walk me down, meet up with my step mom who will be waiting at the alter on the grooms side, while my mom and step dad wait at the alter on the brides side, then havenall 4 give me away. I was also going to have another father daughter dance with my step dad as to not leave him out. My mom has threatened that if she doesn't get her way, she will back out of the wedding financially as well as not participate at all. What do I do? Wait... it gets better... my mom has nothing to do with her real family.she doesn't even claim anyone other than her real brother. If she sees them in a store, she walks by like they don't exist. She has a step family that she sees as "her family” which I am very close with also. I still speak with and visit my grandmother, 1/2 uncle and his wife and my moms sister pretty regularly which my mother doesn't always know about, because she will be very mad at me. My 1/2 aunt takes up photography as a hobby and has offered to take pictures of the rehearsal and dinner and well as candid shots of the wedding and reception. Not only will this save me money by not having to hire the photog that extra night for the rehearsal(as well as extra prints), it will also give me shots at the wedding/reception that the photog won't get and as a bonus, she’s doing it as a wedding gift! But my mom is insistent that they are not invited. My fiancé and I are at our wits end to the point were thinking of just getting married alone at out honeymoon destination of Jamaica, but on the other hand we really want our families involved... WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!

Answer 1

Here's my opinion, for whatever it's worth.  I would sit down with Mom.  Have it be a place YOU feel comfortable.  Tell her nicely, in a calm voice exactly what your plans are.  She is not going to like it.  It sounds to me as if she has gotten away with being a bully for a long time.  Do not back down or give up any control to her on this... and if she cannot come to terms with the fact that this is the plan, tell her, " I will miss you being there on the most important day of my life so far."  

if she can manage to see reason, then try to include her, but do not give in to demands... laugh and say, Mom, I do not bargain with terrorists...

Sometimes it is helpful to have something for her to do, put her in charge of something  that sounds important...picking music for the time when dinner is being served, or keeping any kids who are in the wedding clean and neat and entertained...  But this is your day, and while you cannot expect it to be without some hassles... it should not be all grief.  And if you do have to say, I am sorry Mom, but there are alot of people's feelings to consider here, and ask her to stay at home... then I do not think you should feel guilty about that.  You are giving her the choice to be the adult she should be.  As far as money goes, tell her honestly how it will affect your present choices, and have alternatives if she withdraws her support.   but don't let money force you to be a nervous and unhappy bride.  

Answer 2

That sounds pretty bad. I haven't had that problem but I have some advice that might work. The way I see it and I had to keep reminding myself through our planning, is that it's our wedding not our parents. They got married the way they wanted to we should have the same right. This is gonna be the most memorable day of your life it should be how you've always dreamed. If I were in your sit. I would tell my mom that this is my day and that you're sorry she feels that way. But if she really loves you and wants you to be happy she would understand how important this is to you. Maybe for just one day try to be cordial and courteous for the sake of the day.  

Answer 3

First of all, let your mother know that it is NOT all about her!!  You need to refuse her money up front.  It comes with too many strings attached.  Even if it means having a much less expensive wedding, do it.  Your wedding day is about you and your fiance and anyone else who wants to celebrate your wedding with you.  Clearly, celebration is not what she has in mind fot your weddind day.  Plan the wedding as you wish, then, if she chooses to not attend, it is her choice.  If you give in this time, she will dominate you forever.  She will chose the names of your children, she will determine where they go to school, she will decide what house you buy and how much you pay for it.  Make the break now.  You have to some time.....

Answer 4

This is a hard one. I'm sure you don't want to hurt your mom or you wouldn't be asking this question BUT this is your day...the beginning of a new life for you. I  agree with the first responder; its time to stand up for yourself and what you want. If you don't let her know now that its your life to live and your decisions to make she will continue to bark orders at you even insinuating herself into your marriage. Take a firm stand even if you lose her financial support you'll come out a stronger more independent woman!  Oh, and i suggest your real dad give you away...by himself.   GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Answer 5

You do exactly what you & your guy are thinking might be the only solution......you get married alone at your honeymoon destination.

Now normally I would try to talk you out of a destination wedding for a first wedding but if your mother, who holds the purse strings on this 'traditional wedding'  is threatening to withdraw her monies and herself if you don't do exactly what she wants, then you either give into Mama or elope, then at a later late hold a big celebratory party that YOU throw, therefore YOU decide who gets invited and who doesn't.

I absolutely hate when a parent uses their child's wedding as payback for their own personal baggage...if you can afford to pay for your own wedding then I would tell you do so, and if mother comes she comes, she doesn't, then she doesn't, and don'tlet her emotionally blackmail you in order to control who comes and who doesn't. But in this case, since Mom will insist on socially slamming members of the family that you wish to have contact with using your wedding as the weapon, well, then go ahead and elope...she doesn't see her daughter get married, then it's her bad and just deserts for being so d@mn unreasonable.

Answer 6

awww sweetie i feel for you. the most important thing you have to remember is that it is YOUR wedding and not hers.i think the idea about your dad walking down and then having you meet the rest of your family is very nice.i also think that having a photographer as a wedding gift is so awesome!! most photographers cost at least 1000. that shoudl help you so much finacially.i think you should do what makes YOU happy.if your mother doesnt like it then remember it is HER decision not to attend her daughters wedding.she sounds like a handful.as far as her finacially helping you she shoudl want to help you because she is happy but it seems like because she is giving you money that she feels like she has a say in planning your whole wedding and is not respecting your wishes.she is forgetting that that the other peoplein your family mean alot to you and clearly care for you. what about if you try to talk to your step dad and voice your concerns and see if he can talk to her.if anything it seems like other family memeber will help you out finacially.you should always do what you want because you will regreat it later on.i think you are doing a wonderful job blending your family!

Answer 7

So sorry your mom is being so selfish and inconsiderate of you at this time which should be happy!  Unfortunately, the facts of life are that people are who they are and they may not change just for the wedding!

First, I suggest you and your fiance' talk over all the possible outcomes; decide how you would feel if she really did pull out of the wedding and you had to elope or pay yourselves.  Discuss your options.  Then, sit down with her and try to talk it over rationally.  Tell her that you respect her feelings, but she must also respect yours; that you really don't want to elope, but want everyone to be there on YOUR terms.  

If she continues to act like a child about it, then you tell her what you and your fiance' have decided to do instead.  If it were me, and I really wanted family there, I would probably have a smaller wedding with the relatives who are being supportive in attendance.  It will be sad to see her miss it, but it will be her decision to do that in the end.  She is basically holding you emotionally hostage with the threat of taking the money away and not showing up; that's so hurtful!

If you do have a ceremony with some family, I would consider hiring a coordinator, even if for just the day of, who you can fill in on all the family situations.  That way, someone besides you can deal with any little questions or problems that might arise.  I have also found that if a stranger is in charge, most people will be on their best behavior!

Good luck sweetie!  

Answer 8

I'm chiming in and agreeing with everyone else.  If she's paying for it, her opinions do matter.  If you don't want her to rule your wedding, refuse her money.  If you can't afford a wedding on your own, either wait, or downsize it till you can.  

Oh, and there's nothing "to do" about her at all.  That's her life, her decisions, and she has to live with those consequences.  You can only be responsible for you.

Answer 9

Make it clear to your mother that if her money comes with conditions, then you don't want it.  Explain to her that it's not her job to tell her what to do because it's YOUR wedding.  Let her know that if she pulls out her financial contribution, then you may be forced to have a destination wedding but it would be her loss if she does not attend.

At the end of the day, it's not about who else was there.  The necessary people are you, your hubby, and an officiant.  Everybody else is just a bonus...so don't let it become about anybody else.