A family life or a country I hate PLEASE help?

Question

Long story short...my husband is Australian, we have two kids of 4 years and 5 months old...we live in the UK...I lived in OZ with him just after the birth of our 1st. I hated it...the heat, the lack of family and the lack of cuture...my family over here is big with lots of cousins all he has are an overbearing Mother and a deppressed sister who at 40 isnt having kids. He says if I wont agree to go over again for 3 years then he will go without us...Basically he is giving me an ultimatum...pack up and uproot my eldest from all she knows including school...or stay and be a single Mother...please help me...dont sugget I go...Its not for me and my career is based here and cannot happen in OZ. I love my family and my mum is getting older now...

Answer 1

I think you have already answered your own question.  You are looking for justification and you will get it from me.  I personally would not move!  As horrible as this will sound, husbands (can) come and go.  Children and family are there forever.  My husband left me after 7 years of marriage and three children for another women.  I had no idea it was going on and was totally blindsided.  What if I would have picked up and moved myself and my children to another country?  No way!  And I am by no means suggesting your husband would ever cheat or leave you I was just giving my story as an example as you never know what is going to happen.  Good luck with what you decide but please consider what I said about family and children being there no matter what and putting their needs first.

Answer 2

I was in the same kind of situation, My husband and I went to live in the US for a couple of years but it didnt turn out that way he wanted to stay,I wanted to come home to my family here. I ended up spending 8yrs there and it slowly distroyed our marriage. its horrible living in a country you hate but mayb he needs to go home too. you are in a s...  situation with the kids and the fact you dont like OZ, my heart goes out to you but I think you already know the answer to your question. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 3

Stick to your guns and stay at home where you're happy. Beat him at his own game.  

Answer 4

Not sure what to say, he sounds like a real ****!

Answer 5

Fascinating question.  I am also British with a Filipina girlfriend, but have been putting off marriage for some time for the same reason.  In the Philippines, you can step out the door and find family and friends to talk to.  There are children running around, curious and not shut in their rooms and told never to talk to bearded men in funny hats.   Within 90 seconds you can stand at the side of the road and someone will pull in willing to take you where you want to go.  There is no winter, no need for double glazing or loft insulation, and coconuts, bananas and mangoes grow all year round.

In England, my nearest relative is 50 miles away (even my British mother prefers to spend half her year in Australia), it is cold, quiet, lonely, loveless and isolated. The British think it a good thing to be nasty to others, and officials take great pride in causing the maximum aggravation when you try to do anything.  And yet, Pinoys earn on average for a long, hard working week what the Brits get on benefit, and there is no employment at all after 35. In Britain, at least you can still apply and hope, even though most of the jobs these days are taken by 20- and 30-something women.

I have told her I cannot marry her until she has seen what my country is like, rather than a romantic dream.  I cannot expect her to make a choice between a life with me in my lonely cottage, but a chance to make a family and end the limbo, and staying with her happy family and her happy friends chit-chatting like happy ducks all day and half the night.  She is in a terrible state trying to make up her mind whether it is worth doing battle with bloody-minded British Embassy officials in Manila.

It is a pity this marriage happened before you had a chance to see Australia and know if you could live there.  Either choice of this dilemma is going to be tough.  He is clearly deeply homesick.  His compromise is to limit the time in Oz to 3 years, but as you say, this wrecks your career and causes upheavals to your children.  If he stays in England, then he loses his mother, his sister, and yes it probably puts the kybosh on his career - Aussies are so much better to work with, since they don't write you off forever just because you made a mess of something.  You will lose all respect for him in the end.  He has to go.

So it looks like a trial separation.  I think your conditions on being willing to move out there are a home away from his mother, some proper culture not stuck in some fly-struck arid corner of the outback, and enough money to be able to return to England at least twice a year.  Otherwise, it will be as if he has gone to sea, or is like a Chinese worker working far from home and visiting his family just for the New Year.  You will be there in England waiting for him, while he rediscovers his roots, and hopefully gets his homesickness out of his system. You will know in a month or two whether he wants to stay permanently in Oz, or has had his fill of his mother and sister and wants to come home to his family in England for good this time.

My brother married an Aussie and is very happily settled just outside Adelaide.  He will never return to the UK, except for the odd visit. They earn the same, but costs of housing and food and petrol are much less, so the standard of life is far greater.  You are right about culture though.  Professional shows are quite good there, but the standard and range of amateur activity is much less in Oz.  The thing I hated most was looking thousands of miles over the horizon and they are still speaking English.  The great thing about England is that France and Germany are not far away.  Strangely, I also started to miss the coolness of English summer, and winter and spring and autumn, even though the dry heat of Australia is actually quite good for you when you get acclimatised. But I also have to say that the Adelaide Hills are perhaps the very nicest parts of Australia when they are not on fire.

Answer 6

You've already made your mind up. You wont be happy and this will just strain the relationship to breaking point anyway. Tell him that you wont go and explain why - he might change his mind. If he doesnt then at least you will have your own family to help and support you. My ex wanted me to move 200 miles away to live with him and leave all my family and friends. I couldnt do it and we split up. It was the best decision - I am now far happier on my own and dont regret it. Stand by your decision - good luck!