A family member is working the 12 Steps. He wants to meet with me to make amends. How should I respond?

Question

He was a very bad alcoholic the whole time I was growing up, He hurt me in ways I'm sure he can't even remember. He has been sober for years now, and is trying to make amends... when he meets with me, do I just accept his apologies for what he remembers and chooses to apologize for? Am I allowed to say things that have hurt me, or is this all about him again? I'm frustrated, because it seems my whole life has been all about him and his issues. I want to be supportive, but I'd also like to be able to address my pain too.

I'd appreciate advice from recovering alcoholics or addicts who have been through this themselves, as I'm trying to put myself in his shoes, but I'm having a hard time doing so.

Thank you.

Answer 1

what did he do, kill your dog?

Answer 2

He knows he hurt you so why punish him more??

The reason he wants to ask your forgiveness is because of the guilt.

Reverse the situation when you apologize,  do want the other person to

bring up what you did to them? , or make a 5 min apology to turn into a 30min rampage. Tell him thank you and use it for a stepping stone!!

EDITED----Please don't misunderstand me , what i'm saying is your time frame to express has come and gone (unless he asks for you to express) We need to express ourselves at the appropriate time and in the appropriate manner. We use another persons humility to beat them--NOT FAIR!

Answer 3

When we make our amends we are to apologize for past behaviours unless they could cause damage to either ourselves or the people whom we are trying to make amends too.  If you feel that you need to be heard also then I would certainly suggest that you do so.  There may be plenty of tears, at both ends, but hopefully at the end everything will be back on track.  And I don't imagine or expect you to be all forgiving immediately but hopefully eventually you will realize that a lot of these things that were done to you were done so under the influence of John Barleycorn.  Obviously this person is taking his program very seriously and working through his steps.  It would be great if you can support him, that does not mean that you have to bend over and take whatever, merely that you wish him success in his sobriety and help if he so needs it.  This is  very difficult step and often we do so and do not realize the amount of real hurt that we have caused and/or may  not mention everything.  But if you bring to his attention that there are other things I bet he will listen with an open mind and have a big enough spine to make amends for these also.  Best of luck.

Answer 4

I see no reason why you can't tell him of some of the things that he has done to you and how he hurt you

Answer 5

I would say go to the meeting and listen to what he has to say.  You don't have to forgive him. But you should listen. You are trying to do what you can by trying to put yourself in his shoes, some wouldn't even try to do that. I would contact a local AA chapter to ask your questions about how the meeting should be conducted.(check www.AA.org for a local chapter) Whether or not you can confront him at this time. I would also want to get things off my chest if I were you, but you don't want to make it harder for him than this already is.  He is reaching out in hopes that you can be open minded enough to sit there and hear what he has to say. As to what he may or may not remember and apolgize for, just listen and respond, I would not bring up anything that he might have left out unless it was something along the lines of a rape or assault. Maybe this can help you both, it's not just about him although he is putting more out there by even contacting you. I wish for the best for you.

Answer 6

You don't have to forgive him.  By the time alcoholics get around to making amends, they have learned enough to realize that not everyone will forgive.  However, you can choose to accept his apology, knowing full well that that does not imply forgiveness...just an acknowledgement that you understand that he understands he needs to make amends.

If you're completely uncomfortable, tell him that you understand this is part of the 12 step process, and you're willing to accept his declaration of accountability, but you're not willing to forgive yet.  He has to understand (if he already doesn't) that healing takes time and not everyone heals at the same rate.  You may choose to never forgive him, but at least he will feel as if he tried.  Ultimately, the choice to forgive or not lies on your shoulders.  

Do you want whatever wrongs he did to eat you up for the rest of your life, or is it time to start letting go, forgiving and moving on.  Even if you do forgive him, you can tell yourself you're forgiving him, but not his actions.  

I'm not sure if you're a religious person, but this is one of those times where it's helpful to lean heavily on your faith, if you are.  

Good luck to you.