A followup to my adoption information question a few hours ago...?

Question

I've gotten some great, useful, answers, thanks~

My new question is regarding the suggestion by a few to include my baby's conception and birth story.

It's really not pretty. Do you really think this should somehow be included?? Why? How? I really don't have anything good to say about her father. She's only 7 1/2 now. I'm not saying she'd read all the information now, but it's likely she'd see it. Does that information change that suggestion?

Answer 1

I think you should tell her your version.  Leave it to him to tell his side.  If the time comes that you need to further explain yourself, then go into further detail.  Always keep it truthful.  Don't let the hurt feelings of that time enter in to it.  My natural mother did that.  It made her look bad in my eyes.

Answer 2

Everyone deserves the truth, no matter who they are. Lots of people have some less that palatable starts to their lives.  But, I've always felt it's never fair to a person to decide whether or not s/he can "handle" the truth.  I've always felt that's an insult to the person, quite frankly.  

Of course, there are those things that need to wait until a more age appropriate time, like the whole abortion thing.  I think you will know when the time is right, but she certainly deserves all the facts.

Answer 3

he's a part of her, I believe it is her right to know. Give her the information and let her decide if she wants a relationship with him or not.

I have a friend who's mother was raped and conceived my friend, she was surrendered for adoption and when she found her mother 18 years later she gave her the information and allowed her daughter to decide if she wanted to meet her father.

She chose not to. But it was HER choice to make. Its nobody elses choice to make FOR her in my opinion.

I'm sorry its not pretty, most of "our" beginnings aren't pretty. I guess if they were pretty we most likely wouldn't have been adopted. But its still MY beginning too, i still have a right to know about it, and that right shouldn't be withheld from someone who knows, ethically speaking.

Answer 4

This is something I asked about last week and someone said something like....., well i'll just post the question, ther were some  good answers.

I guess you can give the info and let it come to her when she's ready.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

Bottom line is it is her father and she should be allowed to make her own mind up about him. All your horror stories should be kept to yourself for now. After all if he never did anything else right he did help make the child.At 7 the child doesn't need to be traumatized by you. My best friend's daughters father was a dead beat but she never talked bad to her about him as she always said "regardless of how I feel about him he is her father and as she grows she will (and should be able to) form her own opinions of him." You must remember all your bad feelings should not be transmitted to her. In time his actions will show the child what kind of a person he is, and she should be allowed to form her own feelings and opinions about her father.

Answer 6

I would still want to know.... pretty or not. The truth is the truth. I would much rather know what that truth is than live a lie and never know.

Answer 7

She's too young to comprehend the complexities of issues like that.  I agree she should be told everything when she asks about her birth father as long as you are sure she is mature enough to handle the information.  Use your own judgement regarding what you know about your daughter.  She may never ask about him - ever.  One of my daughters never once asked about her birth parents.  When she turned 18 I pulled out all of the info and asked her if she wanted to see it.  She looked through it.  Looked at the pictures of her birth parents, then gave it all back to me and told me she figured it was something like that.  She could remember some things from before being removed from her parents custody.  She asked if I would continue to keep it for her just in case she ever wanted to see it again.  I told her sure.  That was six years ago and she's never mentioned it again.

Good luck with your daughter.