A friend of mine has 3 children, 14, 13 & 8, they live in Ohio. Their father is an alcoholic and lives in CA.

Question

Recently they took a trip out to CA to see, cousins, aunt, uncle and their father. He sent $1500 for airfare. While they were there, he did not see them, he did not call. He is a total waste of time. He has yet to pay his first dime in child support. Its been 4 yrs.

The older 2 know their father is useless. However the 8 yr old remembers "going to the store w/ dad" when he was 4. "Dad" was getting a fifth of bourbon.

What do you say to a kid who is just realizing his father doesn't care about them and is worthless?

Answer 1

way to tell your friend's  life story

Answer 2

OH I HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU!!

I have the same problem with my son. (whose donor lives in Ca. too btw..)

I have told my son the TRUTH!

He was worthless, useless and all the garbage I felt he NEEDED to know.



BUT, I told him, SON, THAT IS MY opinion....I want you to know him for yourself, AND MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS about him.

I will not keep you from talking to him on your phone, or email, etc., but I CAN'T STAND HIM...that is my right, just as it is YOUR RIGHT to LOVE HIM, CALL HIM, talk to him, whatever you want to do.

I love you enough to let you get to know him and know what you want/need to know about him on your own.

Answer 3

Exactly that.

Your father is a worthless drunk who doesn't care about you. They should know the truth. Remind them, though, that they do have a caring family with a mom and two sisters who love them.

Answer 4

you don't say anything, atleast nothing negative to them, they need to see for themselves that their dad is who he is, unfortunately the child always suffers in this, but what can u do?It sucks for kids w/ parents that are DOGS!

Answer 5

Just be honest with the kid, tell them if daddy really did love you he would try to make time to see you and would send money for your clothes, toys. Just be honest with kids.

Answer 6

I don't think there is anything to say. Let them come to terms with it on their own time. The mother just has to let the eight year old know that she loves them no matter what.

Answer 7

That he doesn't care about you and he is worthless.  Why sugarcoat it.  Tell the mother to go to supportkids.com.  The court will send the money, and he will owe it to the state.  

Answer 8

Kids figure things out eventually. While the odds are not in dad's favor, there is always the minute possibility that he will one day sober up and try to make amends. You want the kids to be always open to that. Bitterness is pointless. To this end, despite your feelings or your friend's feelings, it is best to remain as neutral as possible in your comments and expressions of feelings about this man.

You have to remember that those children know that he is their father, that they are a part of him. If he is rubbish, what does that make them? So suggest nothing.

I understand where you are with all this. But you cannot say that he "doesn't care about them." He cares, but he may be embarrassed, or he may prefer to stay drunk, which is beyond his control, etc. Who knows? Certainly none of us knows what anybody is thinking at any given moment.

Having been down this road, I can tell you that the best thing to tell them, over and over and over, like a broken record is this:

"Your dad does the best he can. It's not that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't know how to show it. "

They can reconcile that "he doesn't know how to show" that he loves them. Or that he has issues. They cannot reconcile that he does not love them. This erodes their own self-worth and self-esteem. Promote the fact that he loves them, but unfortunately is not well and cannot show it.

And leave it at that.