A friend (who gave up her child) bumped into a little girl who looked just like her. Should she contact her?

Question

My friend gave birth to a little girl when she was 16. Yesterday while grocery shopping, she bumped into a little girl who looks just like her. She followed the little girl and her "mother" throughout the store until they left. She took down their license plate and is seriously considering trying to contact the family to see if the little girl is indeed her daughter.

She never wanted to give up the child but her parents forced her. I told her I would support her whatever she decides to do, but deep down I think she should leave the past in the past...

Answer 1

I am hurting for her and I know that she was devastated when she had to give her baby up for adoption. I think that she should leave it alone because it would cause too much pain to have seen her child and she would never raise her as her own.

Answer 2

First of all, even if this child was your friend's biologically..the woman who adopted her is, in fact her "mother" (as you put it)..If this was not an open adoption, your friend has no right to interfere in this child's life or the lives of her new parents...

Answer 3

This is a ruff one.I understand how your friend feels simply because I have a friend going through something very similar.I would advise your friend to ONLY do this IF she can take rejection,the family might not be so nice about the situation only because it will make them feel uncomfortable.Although I do understand how your friend feels.Just tell her to be able to accept things either way the table may turn.

Answer 4

No she shouldn't contact the family direct if she wanted to try getting in contact she should go through the same channels that she adopted her through and ask if it is OK to send a letter and see if she could have some contact if they say no she will have to wait to see if the child wants get in contact with her when she is older it is not fair to go disturbing a family when 1 she might not be her daughter and 2 they adopted her as there own and may not want the child to know just yet for some reason. I know she didn't want to give up the child but she did in the end and she is just going to have to wait it out it is not fair on the family that adopted the girl so they could bring her up as there own.

Answer 5

Legally she could be in for trouble if she doesn't go through the proper channels.  If this was a semi-open adoption, she could talk to the social worker that handled the adoption.  I am going to assume it was not as she did not know what the mother looked like (we met, have pictures etc of my sons birth mother ).  She should ask the agency if she can correspond first...and foremost.  Remember....this may not be her child!!!  

GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS!!!!

Answer 6

wow, what a heart wrenching situation. i can understand her feelings, but lets look at this honestly for a minute. you are at home and the next thing you know someone is knocking on your door saying " i think i am your daughters mother"

ok, now what? personally i cant see a good ending to this. she is jeapordizing her own heart and the stability of the child. and to be honest, that is who is most importent. she had no say or voice in this, she is perfectly innocent. has your friend considered that this may not be a good ending? does she understand she may get the door slammed in her face and then she would spend the rest of her life with the picture of a child that may or may not be hers dancing in her head?

i think that would make me insane. please tell her to wait on this choice for a while. she needs to sit back and really think what could happen. this is not the time for a snap decision. this requires lots of soul seaching. if i was the childs mom, i would probably call the police, anything to protect my daughter. how will she know your friend isnt some nut case that will abduct the girl? she will have to look at all sides, even if she doesnt want to. many lives are involved here, much damage could be done.

she just needs to stop and think, then decide. you are a good friend to support her, but i agree with you, maybe at this time in life the past should remain the past.

good luck, i hope whatever she decides it turns out well.

Answer 7

No. If she signed over her rights to her child she can't get it back or contact it. Plus how does she know what her daughter looks like? That child could be the biological child of the woman who your friend was following.  There's no reason to contact that woman. If the child wants to find it's mother when it is 18 it can. Until then your friend needs to deal with it and get over it.

Answer 8

It could be destiny that she bumped into that little girl, but alot of people in this world look alike.

Answer 9

heck yea i wud c if thats my daughter .......especially if she looks just like me !

Answer 10

i think its worth a try,, the worst that can happen is that its not hers.. but i would go for it...

Answer 11

There are laws against making unsolicited contact with children that have been adopted out.  The actions she has already taken could be construed as stalking.  If she really wants to make contact, then she would have to deal with the consequences of being rejected by the alleged adoptive parents and having to possibly face legal trouble.  I feel for your friend, but until the child is grown, contact is a BIG NO-NO.

Answer 12

It won't hurt.  Most all adopted children as adults wish that their birthmothers would try to or locate them.  Sometimes it's hard to understand the ones that don't try to find us.

Answer 13

if she is really wanting to know then do it whats the harm just explain everything

good luck to the both of you

Answer 14

it seems like stalking so i would be careful how to approach the if she tells the truth the family might freak and never wanna talk but if she said something i was passing by one day your house and saw that your daughter the she gave up then they might be open to whole situation this is what i would feel more comfortable as father myself then she telling how this woman following my Daughter around a store or just find her daughter that would be the best for family

Answer 15

i would talk to the parents first to see what they think..you don't want to confuse a poor child. It would devistate her if it is true and your friend is her mom...it's not the way she should find out. But i say go for it.

Answer 16

scarey but most definietly worth a try!!!!!!!

Answer 17

I dont think she needs to leave the past in the past.  But I dont know if copying the licence plate and contacting them is the best way to go about it.  There is of course the possibility that its not her daughter, and contacting the family could make them very concerned that their daughter is being stalked.

The better route is to go through the adoption agency that the baby was adopted through.  Find out how much rights she has about contacting the family.  Sometimes they will contact the family for her and tell them she' sinterested in contact, that way the family themselves can decide, its not forced on them.

The empty hole that is left in the mother's heart when a baby is given up for adoption is like no other.  It can be grieved just as much as the death of a child that was wanted.  She didn't want to give up that baby, and even if she did, she GREW that baby, nourished that baby, and there is no doubt in my mind that she loved that baby, and probably still does. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through all that knowing your baby is being raised by strangers.  If she can open the adoption for contact, I think she should.

Someone I know got ahold of her adopted son by contacting the adoption agency and informing them that there is a hereditary medical condition that the child needs to be alerted about.  This was a grown child at this point.  They contacted him and told him he was susceptible to *gasp* diabetes (lol), and that his birth family was interested in contacting him.  He chose, and they did see eachotehr and get to know eachother and visit semi-regularly now.

Answer 18

Wow that must be so hard for your friend, I really feel for her heartache

Has she contacted the people who arranged the adoption and asked for contact? is that possible?  I sure hope so.  I hope she makes a note on the file that when her daughter wants to, she is open to her getting in touch

Best wishes

Answer 19

go for it ...  its worth a try  and she is yours

Answer 20

Wow, that sounds like a risky move.  I'm sure your friend is going through some issues, and it sounds like she definitely needs some support and help, but I'm not sure that harrassing this family (which is how they will likely see it) is the answer to her troubles.

Why not contact the government department or agency who handled the adoption, and take it from there.

I don't think it's so much a case of whether or not she should seek out information on her daughter, but more the avenues she takes to do so.

Interestingly, I'm a foster parent, and one of the children I had, a little boy, looked very similar to me.  People in public would tell me how much he looked like me, and we weren't even related!  There is absolutely no guarantee that this child is the girl that your friend placed for adoption, so I would strongly advise not trying to contact the actual family.  Hope that helps.

Answer 21

Definitely DO NOT have her contact that family.  There are so many variables involved here that are negative.

She did give the child up and all rights to even knowing where that child was.  

This child may not even know she is adopted.  \

To contact her parents would only fighten all concerned.  

Let all lie until the child is 18, and then if she wants to try and locate her, so it be, or perhaps the child will search for her biological mother.

Answer 22

I think that she should go to the family and ask about the child with out the child present. If the family seems like they are fine with her seeing the child, then it'd be okay. However, if it's going to cause your friend too much stress and pain, I advise her not to.

Answer 23

I really think it's worth a try. As a parent, one should never give up on a child! That is her flesh and blood, and my blood's boiling to know her parents forced her into it.

I had my son at 17 and I could never imagine losing him.

I think it's better to contact them, just to see. It's best to give it a try, or she will be tormenting herself with this forever!

ALSO, to not have legal problems down the track, I think she should try the proper channels first off. Tell her to never give up and keep pushing at those authorities.

And your friend may want to look at a site standupgirl.com. There's more teenage mothers on there who parent, but there's also girls who've aborted or adopted, and there's forums, so I think it would be easier for her if she could talk to people like her...

Answer 24

Best to go through the proper channels on this. Otherwise it could cause some serious problems.

Answer 25

I think that she should try and see if it was her child.

But actaully contacting her. I don't think so.

It can be traumatizing to children if they find out they are adopted.

If they child knows already, make sure she has permission for the parents.

I hope I helped. :]

Answer 26

I have to agree with Rhonda, I would contact the agency and get them to pass on a letter to the adoptive parents for her and see what happens. Not every adoptive mother is threatened by the appearance of the birth mother. But I would take into account how it is going to look to the adoptive parents if she goes about it the way she is. They are going to feel threatene and upset plus remember that her parents may not have told her about her adoption and right or wrong finding out she is adopted by the apperance of her birth mother can possibly be more harm than good. If your friend wants a relationship with her daughter she needs to go through the proper channels.

Answer 27

Absolutely not.

A) she does not know for sure that this child is hers

B) if it was a closed adoption, she is violating court orders

C) The child may not know she was adopted, and it could scar her (if it was her)

D)She needs to move on with her life. Its not healthy to dwell on the past.