A good beginning to my story? Opinions?

Question

I was having that dream again, the one with dad. We were in the car on our way to school, Michael sitting in the back seat singing along to the radio. I watched Dad drive, one hand holding the steering wheel loosely, the other tapping his knee in time with this week’s number one hit. He caught me looking and smiled at me, the dimples on his chin becoming more obvious. I’d inherited those dimples. Dad would always smile in this dream, right before it happened. Within seconds the smile was wiped off his face as a car smashed into us, everything seemed to happen in slow motion.Then everything went black, almost immediately followed by screams. Now in my Dream I would see Dad. Covered in blood, one deep cut on his head. He would walk towards me, one hand reaching out. He would always be smiling, but not the contagious smile I had grown up with. This smile was different, it was evil. Blood would then spill out of his mouth and he would crumple to his knees before he could reach me. At this point I would be unable to move or speak; I would only be able to watch my father die in front of me. He would look out at me, his eyes pleading for me to help but unable to say the words as blood bubbled out his mouth. Then he would say one word which would haunt me for the rest of my life. “Why?”

I woke up, my bed drenched with sweat. Then I started to cry. Uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, landing in pools on my bed. I wanted dad to be here more than anything else in the world, to feel his strong arms around me, to hear his laugh, to see his smile. But that would never happen, he was dead and I would have to live with it. I would have to work out a way to forget my father, forget he ever existed. I let these horrible thoughts swim around in my head. Then my bedroom door opened.

“Alex?” Michael whispered, stepping into view. He looked so innocent, something I had lost years ago. As I looked closer I could see he was crying.

“Are you okay?” I asked pulling him onto my lap.

“I saw dad again…” his voice trailed as he remembered. I pulled him closer, forming a protective ring around him with my arms. Michael had been there at the crash, seen everything I had seen. I rocked him on my lap, urging the thoughts to leave his head.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard…but dad’s watching us, you know? He may not be in heaven, but he’s somewhere.” I said, forcing myself to believe it too.

There was a pause, an eerie silence.

“You know that’s a lie,” Michael said gently. I froze, how did I respond to that? I didn’t know what to say, I just let Michaels statement hang in the air.

“Why do you lie to me Alex? I’m only ten but not stupid, why does everyone think I’m so d**n stupid?” His voice became high as anger built in him. He pushed himself away from me and walked out. Great, now everyone hated me. I started to cry again, I didn’t want to lose my baby brother too. I cried myself to sleep that night, something I’d gotten used to in the past months.

This is just the beginning of my first chapter...do you like it? Its a rough draft so sorry if there are grammer errors and smelling mistakes...opinions please and constructive critisism!!!

Answer 1

oooh! i like! it was one of those waking up, sweaty dreams. I want to know more about it.  

Answer 2

I was hooked!  Nice job!

Okay....I had to laugh, though, when at the bottom you misspelled a word at the most interesting place!  You typed:

"sorry if there are grammar errors and smelling mistakes"

Anyway, "smells" like you're cookin' up a nice story there!  Well written!  Good job!  Keep going!

<(((><

Answer 3

Oh wow!! I am starting to write a novel, Rofl

Answer 4

It's a great story, but the dream is a little too graphic. It's almost sick in a way where you don't want to keep reading cause it's too gross. It was fine until blood came out of his mouth, and that just sounded gross, and I wanted to stop reading. But I loved the part when he asked, "why?" That was great and made you want to keep reading. It's a great storyline, and you should keep writing it, but maybe do a little less of the gory dream.

Answer 5

i liked it, because that's a fear iv always had... not quiet than obviously but my parents dying bit. you really had me stuck in and and a little upset :). but that's good to create emotion....  

Answer 6

I think the moment you chose is great (well, in a terrible way, you know).  It begins powerfully, introducing us straight out to the pain and loss that fills Alex's life.  

The prose could use work though.  Polish it up and try to make it as powerfully emotional as the events you're using it to describe.