A parents - Do you get offended when birthmom refers to your child as her child?

Question

If your birthmom signed her letters to her/your child as mom or mommy. Would this offend you? Also would it offend you if there were sibling that refered to your/her child as my brother or sister? This comes from personal experience with my aparents. I'm just trying to understand the psychology behind these feelings that they have. Please be honest in your answers and others, please don't give them grief for being truthful. I want to find out what goes on inside the mind of an aparent.

Answer 1

Obviously I cannot speak for Adoptive Parents...  But I do know that my adoptive mom has called my first mom "your mom" on several occasions since I've been in reunion.  Based on that, I don't think she would be offended.

Answer 2

I don't think the birth mother should sign her letters "mommy".  She gave up the right to be called that when she let her baby be adopted.  It doesn't mean that in her heart she still isn't the mother.

The adoptive mother should be referred to as mom and the birth mother should sign the letters with her name.  Again the birth mother has given up her parental rights and that includes the right to be called mom. As cold as it sounds, she has essentially been the egg donor.

As the child gets older and understands that "mom" is the caretaker etc., this would be less confusing  and it would be fair to assume that the first importance would be for the welfare of the child and not what the birth mother wants to refer to herself as.

Answer 3

It wouldn't offend me at all as I feel that our little one's birthmom is her mom, too.  We just have two different roles.  One of us gave birth to our daughter, the other one of us is raising her and will always be her forever family.

Answer 4

This is such a great questions, I would say that it doesn't offend me, but I can see how it causes my son to have some reactions, like he doesn't want to upset me.

I have always explained to him that he had two mom's.  Mommy Sara (not real name, and who is my cousin) and Me.  On a visit in Nov 2005 she was there with her mother and brother.  While I was out of the room she proceeded to tell my son that I wasn't his real mother, that I was a cousin and that she was his mom.  Though my son was only 3 this had a huge effect on him.  He came directly to me and in his words "your my momma right?"  I said yes that I was his mommy, that he had two mommy's.  And then he said it again, so I explained to him that yes I was his mommy and so was mommy sara.  I did not know what started this conversation, but for the rest of the day he called her "sara" and dropped the momma part off of it.  When she left he did not even want to hug or tell her bye.  My husband and I sat him down to ask what was wrong and that is when he told me (along with his older cousins who were in the room) what Sara said to him.

This was the last visit she had with us for 19 months, not by our choosing but by hers, she did not call, write, nothing.  When she showed up 19 months later it was with my Aunt, his natural grandma and we did not know she was coming.  She kept saying call me momma, and he would just look at me funny.  I told him he had a choice on what to call her, Mommy Sara, Sara, or Aunt Sara.  He choose to call her Aunt Sara.  

Now this might offend her, but I think that when she did what she did to him, in his mind he knew what a mommy was and to him though she gave birth to him, I am his mom.

What offended me is that she did not respect me.  We tell our son the truth, we set visit, we keep him in contact and visits with his brothers and sisters, but she did not give the same respect.  That is what offends me.

Answer 5

No, absolutely not.  In our case, we were foster parents first before the adoption.  When our daughter would go for supervised visits the b-mom would scream at her for calling US mommy and daddy.   I understood her feelings, but it was confusing and frightening to a 3-year-old.  She was 4 years old the last time she saw her mother, and it was a very unpleasant experience for everyone.  I would never want my daughter to feel bad about thinking of her first mother as her mother.  She was her mother.  She is her mother.  After the adoption we did get letters from her mom.  She always signed "Mommy Julie."  We always wrote back, and sent new pictures of "our" daughter (mine and hers).  I always told her how beautiful she was, and how proud she would be of her. I would tell her about the things she enjoyed doing, etc..  Eventually, though, the letters stopped coming.  Our daugther is 15 now. I think it would mean a lot to her if she still got letters.

Answer 6

Sadly we are not in contact with my daughter's first family (not our choosing) but if we were I would have no problem with them referring to her as their child or as their other children's sister- that is what she is.

People can have 2 daughters or 2 grandmas or 2 uncles etc without any issues so I don't really understand why having 2 mums or 2 dads is such a big deal - there is plenty of love to go around.

Answer 7

Not particularly.  I am comfortable with my children having two sets of parents and two families.

Answer 8

in her eyes...she will always be the child's mom...she probably thinks about him/her everyday..especially holidays...maybe she's not thinking the impact or the way the AP feels

Answer 9

Honestly, I wouldn't mind it- it's the truth...  but my son doesn't have contact with his natural mother right now.  

He DOES have contact with his foster mom and we call her Foster Mama.  I don't think she's ever called him her son, but she always says she thinks of him as a son.  I actually like hearing that...  it's more people who love him.

Now, if his natural mother wrote something like I am your one and only mother...  then I'd get upset.

Thank you for your note for others to not give me (a parents) giref.  I apprecitate that.  There will always be someone who disagrees, with anything- not just in here but in the outside world, too.

Answer 10

Not at all. She has 3 kids, one who lives with us. he has 2 moms, 1 who lives elsewhere. I have a SISTER who was raised by another father, I still call her my sister.

With adoption it shouldn't be losing family, but rather gaining another family.

Answer 11

well kinda if i was an orphan i would search for her if she is dead i would look for her grave

Answer 12

I don't care what anyone calls their relationships as long as it's true....

We would be happy if our children's birth mother would write and I would not care how she signed her letter. I really don't care that my children understand they were born from someone else and I don't care if they feel like she is their mommy....

My children have siblings and they do call thier siblings brother and sister... They have not met the little ones yet but will when they get old enough to understand but we do show the children pictures of their younger brother and sister...and we keep in touch with the adoptive parents who have them.

There is an older sibling that we don't know where is--and don't have pitures of...  And there is another sibling due anytime.... that will make 6 children all together.

My children also have older siblings... They are my biological children who are in their 20's... we joke at our house about if they are 1/2 siblings or adopted siblings...or what....?  Our children understand that the older ones have a different Dad...so in this family it isn't odd that the little ones have a different Mom.... its just the way our family is...and we don't really care...

When everyone grows up they will make new parts of the family---they will have their In-laws and they will have their children and life will go on... I don't think it matters how we all hooked up--right now we are a family--we are the Safe Place for everyone and we all have a role...

I have a mom...dad has a mom and we have lots of people who are part of the family that doesn't live in our house...So what... We call everyone who they are... So it's just fine with me that my little ones have a mom that isn't me. My older ones have a Step-Mother too... BFD! Not a problem--doesn't change the person each of us are--we don't have to Only Love a few people---don't have to Claim Titles because it isn't about that....

Answer 13

No, it would not offend me.  In fact, we have such letters.  It's fine.  The only reason I don't refer to our daughter's birth mother just as mommy instead of Taiwan Mother, which is what we call her, is just for clarity sake.  If I said "your mommy gave you that," she wouldn't know it was her birth mother, she would think I was referring to me.  So just in conversation, there needs to be a distinction as to whom is being talked about, but in letters and things like that where that's not an issue, it's fine.  That's how I think about it.

Answer 14

I don't get remotely offended, she is their mother too!  I know that I will have my place in the hearts of my boys, and I know she will too.  Just as I love both of my boys, I know that they can love both of their mom's and both of their dads.

Answer 15

I know my amom was upset when my bmom contacted me.  I never her call her my mom and she (clearly) considers me her daughter (even though she never refers to herself as my mom she acts like it). This bothers my mom so much. It makes her feel so insecure with the relationship I have with her.

But I do call my b-brothers brothers (i just think its silly not to). This annoys my amom and a-brother to know end. They hate it. They say it is because they were there for me and not them blah blah blah

I know how you feel <3 sorry if this wasnt much help

Answer 16

she IS their mother!!!!!!

Answer 17

No, I don't get offended at all. Nor do I get offended when my daughter's bmom's other children refer to my daughter as their sister. They are my daughter's family too. I've never felt like I had to deny that.

Answer 18

That is a great question, one that has really made me think about it.  I am not really sure yet as we are in the middle of an adoption plan.  I can say this, she is the "mom" in the sense of the word as who gives birth.  I would be the "mom" in the sense of the word nurturer, caretaker...."mothering".  I really think if she and I talked about it more and came to some understanding I would have an easier time about this topic.  I think if she started this on her own without talking to me about it I would be taken aback and feel like she has an agenda......maybe......I really dont know!   I know that I am open for most things but after adult discussion.  Thanks for the question though, it has gotten me to think and perhaps this will be something that we discuss when we meet tomorrow.  I do have to say this though.  Knowing what I know about her I do not think she would want to be called "mom".  I wll ask her though...thanks again.

Answer 19

It doesn't bother me.   Our son calls his mom "Mamma"

My mother gets REALLY upset by it though, and I don't dare refer to my birthmom by anything other than her first name.  I can't even refer to my half siblings as siblings without setting her off, much less their kids as my nieces and nephew!

I don't get it either.  My having a relationship with my son's mom or my birthfamily doesn't diminish her relationship with us... except in her perception.

My husband's family is a little easier with it, they've met my birthfamily,  but they still think our open relationship with our son's mom is scary and wrong.  Which is even funnier/sadder when you consider that my father-in-law has a great relationship with HIS birthfamily.   They supported my sister-in-law in her search, too, even though it upset them, but I think if my hubby searched, they would be terribly upset.

*sigh*

I just don't get it.

Answer 20

My daughter's b-mom does not contact us and I really wish she would.  I understand why she may not be able to at this time, but I would be grateful for any contact at all and would not be offended if she signed it mom; she is my daughter's mother after all as well! :)