A poem, would like serious critiques?

Question

Twisted Trail

Given a twisted trail to tread,

A rope-like thing thrown wild

To check a capricious pace.

Forest shadow; foresight obscured.

Distant, luring sunflower field ,

Beyond reach,

Beyond reach.

Quivering trees harbor old broken crows

Screeching enigmatic mockery,

Hastening my step on the trodden course.

Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance,

Beyond reach,

Beyond reach.

Answer 1

The first three lines are tongue twisters and surely not meant to be read aloud except humorously.

Forest shadow; foresight obscured. -non sequitor

Distant, luring sunflower field ,  - I am not lured, I am confused.

Beyond reach,

Beyond reach. - A weak line repeated twice is the death of poesy.

Quivering trees harbor old broken crows - Now you are just playing with the thesaurus, you don't mean these words; insincere.

Screeching enigmatic mockery, - you mean monkeys; insincere.

Hastening my step on the trodden course. -archaic fakery isn't poetry

Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance, -oh horrible, what a wretched internal rhyme

Beyond reach, -Beyond hope.

Beyond reach. -Beyond hope.

The whole thing is pedantic and accidentally humorous. Say something you MEAN and condense it into poetry. Don't stretch a hackneyed idea into an exercise. I think you meant to tell a story here but got lost in playing at poet.

Answer 2

It was a little disjointed for me.  I would have liked it to be knotier and tied together.

Answer 3

Nice. I know, I know, people always comment on poetry questions and say "OMG, it's so good!" But this really is. Dream-like. Take it and run with it, good luck.

Answer 4

Ok this part

A rope-like thing thrown wild

To check a capricious pace.

The rope like thing thrown wild seems left behind by the next line. Feels lacking. Although i love the word capricious and pace.

I liked this part

Quivering trees harbor old broken crows

Screeching enigmatic mockery,

Hastening my step on the trodden course.

Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance,

You keep the pattern of C's in all the endings where as in the first part it's a bit wild like the rope thing and left behind.