A poem comments welcome thanks?

Question

Straw in hair

dusted jeans

sunflowers smiling

at what they've just seen.

I still smell the beauty

and the taste of your smile

can we just lay here

and dream for a while.

Don't want a soul to cry

but we both cried a river

and will till we die.

The guilt oh

but the guilty led us here

beneath the sunflowers,

so tranquil and tranquil still.

Answer 1

You are a natural.It is lovely.

Answer 2

The poem has very emotive content and gets it over well, but the structure is a little fuzzy and irregular.

Verse 1 has 4 lines, rhyming on 2 and 4.

Verse 2 has 4 lines, rhyming on 2 and 4.

Verse 3 has 3 lines, rhyming on 1 and 3.

Verse 4 has 4 lines, but is blank verse with no rhymes.

It almost seems like you got tired of trying as the poem finished.

The number of syllables and the stresses on the words are quite significant in rhyming poetry too. This is known as the meter of the verse.

Verse 1 has 3, 3, 5, 5 syllables

Verse 2 has 6, 6, 5, 5 syllables

Verse 3 has 6, 7, 6 syllables

Verse 4 has 3, 7, 6, 7 syllables.

My suggestion would be that you try some blank verse with no rhymes, (which can actually be a lot harder to do properly) or read popular poetry and look at how the words build up a rhythm and also how particular words are chosen and assembled into a poem. The choice of words and how they are put together can really help reflect the emotions they are portraying.

I find that, having read a bit of poetry, the words try to drop into place in my head as I write. It often gets harder to keep to the same style as the poem gets longer, but it really is worth making the effort.

Here's a web page about meter -

http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/8...

I've had a quick go at putting it into regular verses.

Hope you'll forgive me for pulling your poem about.

We had straw in hair

And dusty jeans,

Sunflowers smiling

At what they'd seen.

Still smell your beauty

And taste your smile,

As we both lay there

And dreamed a while.

Didn't want anguish

Or souls to cry -

But we cried rivers

That will never dry.

We were both guilty

On that sunny hill,

Beneath the sunflowers

Tranquil and still.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Your heart is yearning to express itself and poetry is an excellent outlet!

Answer 3

Zzzzzzzzzz! Boring - sorry - all been done to death before - Para 3 is wrong as well - only 3 lines - should be uniform 4 lines in each section

Answer 4

Its really good but the 3rd verse is disappointing. Its not in tune.

Answer 5

poets are songwriters who can't play an instrument. good lyrics though.

Answer 6

very good

Answer 7

Excellent i thought it was brilliant keep it up. xx xx