A poem for critique please........?

Question

The Beach

Standing here, looking out to view what I can see

Surveying things, about me near the ocean flowing free

Surfers riding waves as if at 1 with natures ways

People wander on the sand, with dogs eager to play

Fabric kites move in the wind like dancers on a stage

whilst on the ground the men control the constant flow and sway

with arms stretched out, they're leaning back to fully take the strain

The giant bird of cloth design, it's flight does wax and wane.

Children building forts of sand, they'll last until high tide

With fathers buried in the ground, and mothers sat aside

She reads Vanity Fair or Cosmo, or some other woman's rag

content to sit and soak the rays, whilst puffing on a f*g

There's fossil searching, Frisbee throwing, splashing in the sea

lovers kissing, grannies catching up on some lost sleep

whilst up above the scene below, I stand and merrily,

Survey these things, a picture postcard painted before me

Answer 1

Papalazarou,

It makes my heart pound with enthusiastic joy that people are still seeing the real world gives us beautiful images such as these! I appreciate your prose my friend... it let's me know that there is still hope that people get up and look at a sunrise...   Grade  AAA+++

PS

I want people to know that across the pond in Britain, people call cigarettes 'f**s'. Hey, some people don't know!!

Answer 2

i like this poem, gr8 expressions. i like the flow, i like the picture it builds, the painted postcard... gr8!

Answer 3

I think it's a great poem.

You really have a way with imagery; I can see all those things you're describing. I also love how you weave metaphors and similes so smoothly through the lyrical words; it's all so natural.

Keep up the awesome work! =]

Answer 4

A very nice description of a very friendly atmosphere. I suggest you change the expression "with arms stretched out..." to "with arms outstretched" it maintains the flow and makes your line more regular in meter (iambic). I also had some trouble with your rhyming, it didn't remain loyal to the pattern you established in the first and third stanzas. But this shows that you weren't struggling with rhyming, which is a good thing.

other than that, it was very pleasant, well done :)

Good luck,

lulle