A poem i did "She's Like The Moon" comment comment!?

Question

~She's Like The Moon~

She's like the moon

And orbit my heart to lovers tune

On earth she's the only one

And still I look when nights gone,

Fill and fill my sky afar

And silver in night you are

Far away she's like the moon

And orbit my heart to lovers tune,

Come close to hither

And eclipse me but never wither

She's a star not of another

And my heart goes to my lover.

~@ndii~

Answer 1

Very nice and romantic =)

Answer 2

Well to be honest with you I think that was the best poem I have ever read. I liked it because it makes sense to me and I get it.

Answer 3

Hello.  This is a really sweet poem; I like how you've handled the so traditional juxtaposition of moon and amour.  The idea of eclipse works extremely well.  I've just made a few changes as little suggestions-- I have tried to keep your lovely metre intact, when you would start anapestic and end iambic (and eclipse me, but never wither: --`--`-`-), and your switches from the iambic (she's like the moon: -`-`) to trochaic (far away she's like the moon: `-`-`-`, or, fill and fill my sky afar: `-`-`-`); but I wanted to see if I could polish the musical tone at little bit if I could.  No offense meant, of course.

She's like the moon,

And orbit, Heart, to lovers' tune!

She is on earth the only one,

And still I look when nights a-gone;

Fill and fill my sky afar;

Silver light in night you are;

Far away she's like the moon,

And orbit, Heart, to lovers' tune!

Turn, turn close, come hither,

And eclipse me; never wither!

She's a star, dim to another,

And my heart goes to my lover!

As a side note, I am less keen on `never wither' than the rest of the poem, because the flower metaphor doesn't fit with the moon.  But obviously I didn't want to change it myself, though for  a brief moment I considered the slightly comic rhyme `with her.'

The wither/lover/another sequence of off-rhymes is a brilliant ending cadence.

Answer 4

i like it

Answer 5

The meter is a problem, but I think it could work as a song.  Try it with music.

Answer 6

very nice

Answer 7

A beautiful small lyrical poem, written to the Beloved. The last line sums up the poem, ' And my heart goes to my lover.'

I believe like last time this poem is also a twelve lines blue sapphire necklace woven delicately , intermingling with the theme of Cynthia !

The poem is written with a general flow of iambic tetra-meter with occasional trochee in beginning of a line, without jarring the ear. After all we have to remember that in English unlike the classical languages Greek , Latin and Sanskrit , variations or exceptions form a constant part of the rhythm , other wise monotony sets in :  - here it is the ear which is the judge.

It looks as though there are two imaginary stanzas of six lines each. The first two lines in some form repeat like in a song or ballad in each of the stanza.

In th beginning the moon is compared to his beloved. but that simile at the end of the stanza turns in to a metaphor ,' And silver in night you are.' She with her silvery , sapphire orb fills the night -sky of the poet.

In the next stanza, the last two lines are woven with an intricate embrace of double - triple images of mysterious and mystical nature. The poet says , ' She is a star not of another,' - a metaphor of star is used for his beloved, because her shine, light  and beauty are her own and not reflected like the moon . Besides, that star is not the love of any body else, but mine and mine alone. Naturally to such a beauty, such shine, such a soothing blue light , his heart goes all out, and embraces in union of true love !

I have written a poem, ' Moon-Light ' , ere a long time .

See if you like it  :

Below is sound and noise and filth humdrum,

Above is the calm and peace of the serene sky;

Nether shineth the ebullient and dazzling,

Man-made multi-coloured scintillating lignts.

The moon in her orb is behind the veil of muslin,

Lo thou O Cynthia bring thou thine argent rain:

My heart doth look up in quiet gratitude,

To thy peaceful call that reminds thee to me.

Have I not oft loved thee in my wake,

When in darkness, I walked with myself,

With thou surrounding me with thy fairy-light,

And the silent giant trees watching this mystic meet ?

Thus is it that riseth, in slow moves, the inner being,

And the daemon within takes hold of this small life.

Answer 8

So sweet and romantic! :]

Answer 9

great