A poem i wrote last night, please comment?

Question

I havnt posted on Yahoo for ages but here goes.

Do you like my new poem?

Time stands still

Devilishly deep eyes time stands still,

For no fool cannot find the will,

Stagger an eye for you the path he tread,

Left lingers the words you had said,

They look beyond the eyes you lure,

To fall and dive devilishly more,

There paused in time as both eyes lock,

As if her eyes could stop the clock.

Answer 1

Your poem is mysterious and I like it.

You're talented you know that?

Answer 2

your poem is very nice..

i like it

Answer 3

Subject matter is good, but you have a double negative in line 2. It just doesnt flow for me, sorry. Im trying to be honest. I think you have talent in writing, but youre trying too hard. Always write what you know, and ryming is good but not always nessecary.

Answer 4

I really like it!

Especially the 'There paused in time as both eyes lock,

As if her eyes could stop the clock' part.

You're really talented, do you do a lot of writing?

I write short fics and storied and such, but poems aren't really my thing, I love reading them but writing them, not so much.

It seems you take a lot of interest in what you write which is always a good thing, but poems don't always have to rhyme like you've made this one. Some poems still get a deep meaning across even if the words don't sound similar. But all in all you've managed brilliantly, congrats

x

Answer 5

There is no doubt that you have matured, and so has your poetry. What you have described just in a short span of eight lines could not have been said even by filling  many pages, if written in prose. Poetry deepens and raises our emotions. This short poem of eight lines certainly fulfills both the criteria.

The poem is written in iambic tetrameter with the rhyming scheme as aa, bb, cc, dd. A certain beats of harmony of stillness, thus is made implicitly part of the totality of that witch of fiendish deep eyed Time, that stands still.

According to another poet, this devilish chasm formed by Time may be surmounted and filled, if only the unifying agent is present, - of  Love :

'Or, had I sought thee for thy virtuous youth

And tender yearning speech,

Thy swift compassion and deliberate truth,

O heart of ruth,

Time might pursue, might reach.

  

But I have loved thee for thyself indeed

And with myself have snared;

Immortal to immortal I made speed.

Change I exceed

And am for Time prepared. '    ---  Sri Aurobindo.

The same poet writes in a more mystic and spiritual space :

'When Time moved not yet nor Space was unrolled wide, for thy game of the worlds I gave

Myself to thy delightful hands of power to govern me and move and drive;

To earth's dumbness I fell for thy desire's sport weaving my spirit stuff

In a million pattern-shapes of souls made with me alive.'

   ---   Sri Aurobindo.

It is interesting to note , as Calphurnia observed for Caesar , that  heavens and even Time respond.

We have a big grand-father clock centrally placed in our school, that stopped working the day our leader The Mother of Ashram left her body exactly at 7.25 p.m. on 17/11/1973. No body was around at night. It was dicovered the next day ! We have left the clock in that central place untouched ever since !!

Answer 6

Devilishly clever

Answer 7

I like it.